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I gave my daughter my childhood doll last night to "protect" her from the "monster" in her closet.

You can imagine my shock and horror when I opened her bedroom door this morning and saw a dismembered man splayed out on her floor and my doll sitting next to him, covered in blood.

We have no idea what it means, but we all noticed it.

The sun flickered today.

With one last push, I managed to reach the surface of the river, and breathe a sigh of relief.

I looked up at the people watching, and realised my mistake as they began to scream that Iu2019m a witch.

It seemed like a sadistic cliche waking up in agony in a tub of ice with my side stitched up.

I assumed they had taken an organ but the movement under my skin confirmed they gave me something instead.

My date has gone to the restroom to freshen up, so while she's away I've emptied the contents of this vial into her drink.

She returns, drains the glass and then suddenly bursts into flames, unaware I've laced her cocktail with Holy Water.^(u00a92020)

I work at a crematorium loading bodies into the furnace.

You'd be surprised at how many times you hear screams after the furnace door closes.

Back when I was an exorcist, a little girl came up to me with bruises all over her body and told me her father was possessed.

"I think the demon was in here," she said with innocent eyes, holding up what looked like an empty liquor bottle.

Our new roommate has tried to kill everyone in my family.

So tonight, while he's asleep, we're ALL going to crawl up his nose to spin our webs and lay eggs in his sinuses.

They all ask how many kids came to my house for trick or treat.

None of them ask how many left.

Weu2019ve all heard of the 1 in 52,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 odds you have that when you slap a table all the atoms in your had will miss and your hand will go straight through.

What the donu2019t talk about is the odds that youu2019ll only miss some and end up with your hand stuck firmly in the middle of a table.

[17] They say stabbing a Vampire's heart with a wooden stake will kill it

But as I desperately ran for my life, I wished they also said how many hearts Vampires have

u201cLook mommy, a giant snake!u201d

My son ran into the street to examine it, but he began violently convulsing and his body went limp seconds after touching the fallen wire.

"We found your daughter" the officer said as he drew an X on the map...

...and then he drew another, and another, and another, and another.

u201cI love you,u201d my husband said to me, causing me to turn around and smile at him.

u201cWe should run away together,u201d he continued, my face going white as I realized he had my phone in one hand, reading my texts aloud, and a gun in the other.

I blink rapidly as my boyfriend and I smile at the police officer.

I just pray he knows Morse code.

Years ago, my best friend and I made a pact that if we were still single at 35, we would get married to each other.

As I stare in horror at my friend standing over my husband's bludgeoned body, I finally realize that he had always planned on ensuring the 'single' part took place.

As it turns out, every time I die, I go back in time 10 seconds to try and prevent my death.

The fall from the building was about 11 seconds.

I always found the idea of Batman to be laughable

But just to be safe, I shot the kid too.

I spent every minute of winter searching for my missing daughter.

When summer came, I learned that the killer had a twisted sense of humour as the snowman in my front yard melted away.

After seeing a homeless man eating from the trash I offered him to come home with me.

Now I don't need to take the trash out, he eats it.

Grandma told me to get into the oven

Dad's drunk again and its the last place he'll look.

"Look dad, the sharkies are so big!", my son said gleefully, pointing towards the glass

"Yes they are, champ" I said as I held back my tears and pulled him into the driver's seat for one last hug before the windows broke in.

My daughter is crying in her room because of a nightmare so, I went to tuck her in

As I approached her room I realized that the cries were being looped.

I competed an won on a nationally televised gameshow.

I couldn't help but cry tears of joy as I watched the host move my name to the top of the transplant list.

10% of the world population was killed by the COVID-19 virus.

The other 90% were killed after they came back

After my fifth visit to the graveyard this week, I received a handwritten note from a florist which read, u201cRemember your dead.u201d

"You're," I mumbled with a sigh.

I have proof that the moon landing isnu2019t fake.

What is fake, however, is the believed fact that three living beings came back.

u201cIu2019m so sorry mau2019am, it seems our geneticist made an error and your baby ended up with brown eyes.u201d

u201cNo need to worry, weu2019ve already sent her to the incinerator and started work on a free replacement.u201d

I told the kids that the pills in the old cabin turned me invisible, and they hurried to take them.

I'm excited because once they're invisible like me, we won't need to use the ouija to talk anymore.

I couldn't believe that he would turn on me, but the second he pointed his gun at me, I shot him down.

"He wasn't aiming at you," said a voice behind me.

The new neighbour stood at my door explaining that he was registerd sex offender.

I stood frozen in horror unable to comprehend that he didn't even recognize me.

My father used to paint wonderful green paintings before his death

When I found out I was color blind, they turned out to be very grim

As the mob held the old woman down, I smashed the axe straight into her chest.

The furniture splinteredu2014revealing yellowed paperwork and dozens of tiny human skeletons.

As I grabbed my boyfriend's hand, I noticed how cold it had become.

Sighing, I went to reheat it in the microwave.

When I told them I'd found a diet that would make me outlive them all, they laughed in my face.

Nobody is laughing now, although some of them did taste a bit funny.

My blind date texted that he'd finally arrived and was sorry for being fifteen minutes late to pick me up.

But we'd already been driving for ten.

I thought the eyelash in my eye was causing an unusual amount of pain.

Imagine my horror when I watched it burrow back in.

A man walked into the bathroom to find his abnormally still wife sitting in a bathtub filled with a mysterious green liquid.

Frustrated yet again about having to call the plumbing company to find the source of the problem, he remembered how difficult it is being colorblind at times.

Overwhelmed with relief, the negotiator looked forward to the release of some of the hostages.

Staring at a pile of legs, he acquiesced that this was, technically, half of the hostages.

[JUN21] My wedding dress was white and gold.

But the skin under it was black and blue.

It's been 315 days since the global outbreak, 187 days since I realized I might be the only survivor, and 3 days since the two of us found each other in the wreckage of the world and regained hope.

I'd been alone so long I almost forgot that hallucinating imaginary companions is the first sign of infection.

'For the last time, I have checked and there is nothing under your bed or in the closet!'

Cackled the monster, as he mockingly puppetered the jaw of my poor, dead dad.

Out of the corner of my eye, I once again saw my gym buddy flirting with the receptionist.

The image faded with the baru2019s increasing pressure against my throat, until I felt that uniquely soft crunch.

The two brothers looked at each other in horror as their radio picked up the words "I am attempting re entry, it's so hot, it's so hot!"

The official government statement released five days later simply said "unmanned satellite crashed in field."

Finding myself surrounded by zombies and vampires both crawling towards me attracted by the scent of my blood, I thanked our Gun laws for the first time as I started shooting them one by one

Totally ruined the Halloween party though

I can feel my heart pounding as I follow my daughter's footprints into the woods.

The further they are from her wheelchair, the longer the digits they have.

Being able to see with my eyelids close was an unexpected consequence of my surgery.

I thought it was cool, until I went to bed that night and saw the shadow people around me.

"What's it like being dead?" the little girl asked me.

I held her hand, looked her in the eye and spelled out "cold and lonely" on the Ouija Board.

I caught my 12 year old daughter writing a suicide note.

She signed it "-mommy"

u201cLet me go!u201d I cried, wrenching my arm out of his grip.

I donu2019t *care* that doctor says he canu2019t find a pulse, I just want to go home already.

He tortured me for over an hour, adding to my pain little by little, and then he did the one thing I thought one friend could never do to another...

u201cUnou201d

I started crying and shouted to my husband "I thought we had a deal..."

I watched him stare at my dead body, spit out the pills and smirk.

I had strengthened my skepticism when the terrified fortune-teller had told me I would die in a plane crash within the week, as I knew I wasn't traveling anywhere.

But as the smoldering wreckage of the doomed Flight 643 started to rain down around me in my yard, I realized sadly that she really did have the gift.

After the psychic told him he would die of a heart attack, Mike picked up biking and would do five mile rides into town every weekend.

But when a car suddenly swerved coming right at him, an old man slumped over the steering wheel, he realized with final clarity that it wasnu2019t *his* heart attack she meant.

My friend Sara confided in me that her father was hitting her and her mom, so I promised I would help.

While I pushed him down the stairs to protect Sara, I have to admit it felt good to kill someone who always dismissed me simply because I'm imaginary.

I just wanted to thank those of you that sort by new.

You'll be the first to go, and now you'll help me reach the others.

As the police dragged him away the madman screamed that his sacrifices were the only thing that kept the beast contained.

While I will certainly miss the easy meal it will do me good to finally stretch my wings again.

We spent years thinking the blue whale was the largest species on the planet.

Until today, when one washed up on a beach in South Africa, cleanly bitten in half.

All my life, I wished Poku00e9mon were real, so I was ecstatic when my wish came true last week.

But when reports started flooding in of massive earthquakes, summer ice storms, and children disappearing from their own birthday parties, I realized that having only 300 people in each game wasn't due to constraints on Game Boy technology.

"Honey, I wish you'd talk to me."

He mocked, holding her severed tongue in front of her.

I Found A Genie Who Granted Me A Single Wish: To Be With The Woman I Love Forever.

If I had a second wish, it's that he'd have brought her back to life first.

PTSD WARNING

The Fitness Gram Pacer Test is a multi-stage aerobic capacity test that gets progressively more difficult as it continues. The test will begin in 30 second, line up at the start.

I I squeezed my 3 yr old daughter's hand as I pointed out the anthill on the sidewalk.

I had to make sure she didn't notice that the shooting star she pointed out earlier was getting eerily bigger.

"How do you kill a hundred people with two bullets?"

Two loud bangs followed on the intercom and we all screamed as the plane began to plummet.

I confessed to my wife about what really happened to those missing school girls.

After I told her, she said, u201cWho do you think was making sure their bodies werenu2019t found?u201d

He gently pulled the blanket up to her chin, tucking her in tight, and whispered into her ear "your daughter is dead".

Chuckling to himself as he walked out of the room, closing the door on her feeble sobs, he rejoiced in the small pleasures afforded to him working in the alzheimer's care home.

I sigh, as I look out my window to see my neighbours dogs barking loudly in the street with no leads attached, fighting over a large chunk of meat.

But as I peer closer, a scream lodges itself in my throat, as I realise that the bloody morsel the dogs were fighting over was wearing my daughters dress.

"You have to push it in just a little bit deeper!" she said to her little brother.

He nodded and shoved the fork into the electrical outlet as hard as he could.

As I stand on the stage in front of all my students, I can't help but feel a sense of pride.

I'd always told them that to make real change in this world takes commitment and determination, and here they are, shoving me toward the guillotine.

I could barely hide my excitement when the doctor told me my child had cancer

This would definitely spice up my mommy blog!!!

The angel said, u201c... and he will be the son of God.u201d

She tried to protest, but his voice grew forbidding, u201cMary, I will not take no for an answer.u201d

u201cThe news said you only kill blondes, please let me go!u201d

He pulled the hair bleach kit out of his work bag and said, u201cI canu2019t let you go I have to make you perfect.u201d

Gravity is a mere illusion and can be easily ignored if you use your brain enough

"Wow, kids are really gullible these days," I thought to myself, watching them lining up at the window, which is on the 9th floor

u201cIu2019m sorry, my partner here has had a bit too much to drink tonightu201d my date said to the bouncer and held me up.

I felt a tear fall down my cheek as the stranger took me farther away from the bar where my friends were oblivious to my disappearance.

I noticed a splinter just under the skin of my right thumb, so I began to pull at it with some tweezers.

That was an hour ago and I have now peeled away the skin from my forearm, revealing rough and splintery tree bark beneath.

My mother said that when I die, I go to the white, shiny place called Heaven.

I wish she told me about padded walls and straitjacket, too.

My ex just called and asked if she can sleep at my place because a stalker has been coming to her house at night.

So nice of her to save me the gas money...

We all breathed a sigh of relief when 2012 came and the world didn't end.

What we've only come to appreciate later is that the Mayans never said it was going to end all at once.

As my childu2019s head finally started to crown after 30 minutes of pushing, I was filled with wonder

That wonder turned to horror when **only** the head came out

Over the past few weeks the number 4 kept appearing in my thoughts.

After the car accident I caused killed 4 people a new number appeared...1400.

To my surprise, my TV show was interrupted by an emergency alert stating to u201cseek shelter immediately and lock all doors and windows.u201d

As I stood up to follow the instructions, my phone buzzed with an emergency alert stating that all citizens should evacuate their homes immediately.

"3, 8, 6, 17, 25, 32 and 43"

"if your age was called up, please report to your nearest depopulation station"

"We've received several complaints about your performance and have decided to terminate your employment with us."

"Effective immediately, your health coverage has ended, and security will escort you to Health & Wellness to have your pacemaker removed."

The gravekeepr instructed the new guy to tie bells around the corpses' ankle to tell them apart from the living.

The new guy nodded, trying his hardest to ignore the ringing sounds the gravekeeper made as he walked.

My five year old son threw his Christmas present against the wall, and screamed that he had wanted a fucking PS5

We just stood there with our mouths hanging open, staring at the lifeless body of his newborn sister lying crumpled on the ground

When the psychopath forced me to lay inside the coffin, I thought he would bury me alive.

To my surprise he left me on the ground, but as the sun started shining brighter I realized that he had chosen a metal coffin for a reason.

Captains Log Day 75: The sea is an odd color today, as if god himself spilled ink from his mighty quill beneath it's surface.

Captains Log Day 79: The eyes peering from the depths have convinced me this is no work of god.

Dressed in white, with her long blonde hair hanging in a plait behind her, the little girl walked meekly between her two captors...

The demon-child was hard-pressed not to giggle at the fact that the cult members thought SHE was the sacrifice.

"Do you have any last words before I kill you?" snarled the demon.

That was 33 years ago and I've not said a word since yet it still shadows me, waiting.

Even though it was our first date, I agreed to go up to his apartment, thinking how reminded me of someone.

But when I went to the bathroom, I happened to look under the mirror cabinet and saw my own handwriting, "he's hypnotizing you again"

Yesterday, I figured out how my curse worked.

Apparently, only people in danger can see what I write.

They found out that dark matter made communications instantaneous, regardless of distance.

Sadly, we couldn't use it because the screams from outer space caused too much interference.

Itu2019s hard being a cam girl.

Especially when you find out.

After finally having no choice but to kill her to eat her, he saw something that sickened him.

Land

My mother screamed at me that it was not her responsibility to clean up my mistakes, before shoving the mop and brushes into my hands

I stood there sobbing, while cleaning up the mess that was caused by my miscarriage

My wife has been in a coma for over a year now and not a day goes by when I'm not sitting beside her hospital bed.

I'm honestly terrified that she's going to come to and tell someone what I did to put her there.

I can hear 1 year into the future.

Today, the noise stopped.

u201cIu2019ve got your nose!u201d I said playfully.

As I sewed the last piece of her face onto mine, I knew that I would finally be the pretty sister.

He was so bored with the incessant, needy questions that he decided to cause some chaos for a laugh.

u201cSnow Whiteu201d replied the Magic Mirror on the Wall.

There's a well on my grandparent's farm that, if you throw a dirty coin in, the next day it's on the edge of the well, perfectly shiny and clean.

My little brother must have crawled in last night because there's a pile of brilliantly clean clothes hanging from a stack of shiny white bones there this morning.