[User] I’ve suspected it for some time, but I am now certain someone’s been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.

[Assistant] r/twoliners


[User] Which fictional creature is full of letters? The elf, I bet.

[Assistant] Say "the elf, I bet" out loud. Took me a sec


[User] Breaking news: snow white got thrown out of Disneyland after sitting on Pinocchio's face singing 'tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies'

[Assistant] Little red riding wood


[User] We know that the spy balloon was not from Germany because they would have used 99 red balloons

[Assistant] Don't quit your day job


[User] “Interesting fact: a shark will only attack you if you’re wet.”

[Assistant] Not so. I was dry as a bone when I was attacked by one in court just last week


[User] Turns out midgets and dwarves have little in common.

[Assistant]
This is a really low joke.

Why do you got to stoop down to that level?


[User] OK aside from that, how did you like the play Mrs. Lincoln?

[Assistant] Too soon.


[User] I'm so old, I remember when Pontius was still a co-Pilate.

[Assistant] I'm so old, I remember when Facebook was just farm land.


[User] I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

[Assistant] ONE liners….


[User] 6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.

[Assistant] Twice a day my clock throws it's hands in the air.


[User] Lately certain deli meats have been bothering my stomach, so I’ve decided to quit cold turkey.

[Assistant] Olive what you did with this joke


[User] I was going to patent a method for reusing tea bags, but Tetley have taken out a restraining order against me.

[Assistant] Excellence. Take a bow


[User] There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.

[Assistant] Shirley you can’t be serious!

[Assistant] I’m dead serious, and please don’t call me Shirley


[User] Shopping centres. You’ve seen one, you’ve seen the mall

[Assistant] I love feeling my wife’s eyes roll with these.


[User] My dyslexia has reached a new owl.

[Assistant] You mite want to ewes autocorrect.


[User] Men who love cunnilingus are gladiators

[Assistant]
It’s part of the series.

Poker? I barely know her!

Gladiator? I bet he was!

[Assistant] What else does this series offer?

[Assistant]
Rectum? Damn near killed ‘em!

Liquor? You barely know her!

I’m sure there’s others I can’t think of right now…………

[Assistant] Router? I hardly know her!


[User] According to the BMI chart at my doctor's office, I'm too short.

[Assistant] Hilarious!!!


[User] A blind man walks into a bar

[Assistant] Ouch


[User] Russian dolls are so full of themselves.

[Assistant] Is this an inside joke?


[User] For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar

[Assistant] I got escorted onto the premises once.

[Assistant] Much classier.


[User] I yelled at a guy who was standing at a vending machine just out of Sprite

[Assistant] Clearly a terrible joke, take my 7Upvote!

[Assistant] Hope to keep Crush’n it

[Assistant] Lookit us, a couple of Coke-conspirators!

[Assistant] Y’all got some moxie, making puns like that.


[User] My son asked what taxes are, so I gave him a bag of M&M's and explained he has to give some back to me and I know how much he has to give me but he has to guess himself and if he's wrong, he goes to prison.

[Assistant] It's so fucked up that you have to figure out your own taxes like that. I just get an e-document that tells me everything, then I just sign it digitally and move on with my day.


[User] I think dumb people make opinions without evidence.

[Assistant] Opinions don't require evidence, because they're just opinions. But that's just like, my opinion, man.


[User] The female version of teabagging is called a flapuccino.

[Assistant] I thought it was a clam slam


[User] I don't have a fuck buddy, she's more of a cumpanion.

[Assistant] I hope that relationship is built on thrust


[User] Miguel's Law : the best way to get the right answer on the internet is not to ask a question; it's to post the wrong answer.

[Assistant] *Cunningham's Law.

[Assistant] I knew it was something like that.

[Assistant] lmao did you do that on purpose


[User] Life is like a box of chocolates mainly because it doesn’t last as long for fat people.

[Assistant]
Hey man, I'm fat and I don't wanna die yet.

EDIT: You got any chocolates left?

[Assistant]
We are going to miss you.
All of you.
In your entirety.


[User] If you are dyslexic, try not to write the term Ginger to describe anyone.

[Assistant] That's an interesting post history ya got there.

[Assistant] Jokes, jokes, jokes, custody battle, stolen inheritance, jokes, jokes, jokes...


[User] Tomorrow’s psychic convention is cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances

[Assistant] Having kinda wanted to go, I'd rate my disappointment level as medium.


[User] Two termites walk into a bar, and one asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

[Assistant] OH, I get it! Because the termites are so short that they wouldn't be able to see the bar tender past the bar!


[User] The best thing about being 104 years old is that there's no peer pressure.

[Assistant] Oof that’s dark lol


[User] 🤔Is pi a round number?

[Assistant] Now you’re just being irrational.

[Assistant] I can go on and on forever about why this isn’t true.

[Assistant] Now you're just going off on a tangent


[User] welcome to the virgin Islands, first time?

[Assistant] I know it's a short trip but you came awfully quickly!


[User] Playing Frisbee with a five-year-old is amazingly similar to just running after a Frisbee.

[Assistant] You shouldn’t be throwing a five-year-old like a frisbee - they aren’t aerodynamic enough.


[User] Rainbows don't weigh much, in fact, they’re actually pretty light.

[Assistant] I need to reflect on this awhile.


[User] These days, you just don't see anyone wearing camouflage anymore.

[Assistant] Who said that?


[User] At first, I couldn’t believe that vodka is made from fucking potatoes, but then I discovered that I misunderstood and you don’t need to do that to the potatoes.

[Assistant] You can do better.

[Assistant] You overestimate me


[User] I got a vasectomy because I was looking forward to not having any more kids but when I got home, they were still there.

[Assistant] I Child-Proofed my house but they still get in.


[User] Most people have an out-of-sight-out-of-mind perspective as to where their trash ends up, but living next to a landfill, I find it degrading.

[Assistant] We need to stop recycling jokes.


[User] Any salad can be a Caesar if you stab it enough

[Assistant] That’s Brutal.

[Assistant] Et tu, Brute?


[User] Aladdin has been banned from the magic carpet race because apparently, he’s been using performance enhancing rugs.

[Assistant] Sounds like he had the rug pulled out from under him.


[User] A shark can swim faster than me, but I can run faster than a shark, so in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

[Assistant] You dead.


[User] Sherlock Holmes loves Mexican restaurants because they give him good case ideas.

[Assistant] Ugh that’s a cheesy joke.


[User] It’s ironic that Jesus was a carpenter and also named after the phrase you say when you hit your thumb with a hammer

[Assistant] I see you've watched Cunk On Earth

[Assistant] I lost it when she called sports theatre for stupid people.


[User] When my professor told me I was failing my ethics class, I slid 20 dollars across the table and asked, “What about now?”.

[Assistant] Now you have successfully failed.


[User] I'm not procrastinating, I'm delegating this task to my future self

[Assistant] I'll give you an upvote at some point.


[User] My favorite teacher at school was Ms. Turtle, a strange name, but she tortoise well.

[Assistant] I heard she taught the slow kids.


[User] When the Mountain Dew factory runs out of syrup they have to make Dew with what they have.

[Assistant] Dew or dew not.    There is no sprite.

[Assistant] Only a Sith deals in abso-root beers.


[User] We both hate having Dissociative Identity Disorder

[Assistant] We both hate being called uni-brow


[User] Some months are cold, summer hot.

[Assistant] How have I never come across this pun before, that is terrific.  Or is it just used seasonally? :)

[Assistant] My dads voicemail is “You’ve reached our summer home, and some are not.  Leave your message at the sound of the tone”


[User] If I live in denial, I can never be wrong.

[Assistant] If I live in Egypt, I can bathe in denile


[User] I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

[Assistant] I have no brain and don’t try to convince me otherwise- my mind is made up.

[Assistant] I just don't know, this matter is a gray area for me.


[User] I hate making spelling mistakes when I'm posting on /r/oneliners because all you have to do is mix up a few letters and your whole joke is urined.

[Assistant] Pisses me off


[User] My wife and I used to play catch with our son when he was a baby and when he got older we bought a football.

[Assistant] I used to wash my car with my kids when they were little.  But they won't let me pick them up now that they're teenagers, so now I just use a sponge.


[User] Don't aim for the stars. Security doesn't like that.

[Assistant] A period ruining another good time..thx bud

[Assistant] It unfortunately brought the fun to a full stop. :(


[User] Accordion to a recent survey replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.

[Assistant] Not gonna lyre. Took me a flute seconds.

[Assistant] thanks for clarinet up!


[User] I cannot tell time because clocks have no ears.

[Assistant] Watch-ya gonna tell them anyway?


[User] I used to get heartburn every time I ate cake until my doctor told me to take the candles off first.

[Assistant] you must have been de-lighted


[User] You know you're ugly when, it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.

[Assistant] I know I'm being pedantic but that sentence shouldn't have a comma there.


[User] It looks like we're in for a bad spell of wether.

[Assistant] I don’t know weather I should upvote or not.

[Assistant] Go ahead. This post deserves a spot in the sunlight. 'snow way it deserves a downvote.


[User] A paper airplane that can’t fly is stationary.

[Assistant] Wouldnt the joke land better of it were spelled "stationery?"


[User] A typo on a headstone is a grave mistake.

[Assistant] I can dig that.


[User] I got fired from the cannonball factory.

[Assistant] I’m the dumb dumb who came here for a punchline !


[User] You know there is a problem with the education system when you realise that out of the three Rs, only one begins with an R.

[Assistant] Reduce, Reuse, Recycle  - is this the 3 R’s you speak of? Seems like they all start with R to me. I clearly don’t get it.

[Assistant] I expect they mean reading, writing, and arithmetic (pronounced incorrectly as a rithmetic or ‘rithmetic).


[User] Pizza jokes are about delivery

[Assistant] Well, that was half baked. Did you cook that one up yourself? That was cheesy!


[User] Gay bullies be like “Gimme all your brunch money”

[Assistant] That got a laugh out of me.


[User] You can never lose a homing pigeon, because if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.

[Assistant] I too enjoy Mitch Hedberg.


[User] word of advice: if you're a man who's into a Dominatrix, never say that "it's time to hit the sack."

[Assistant]
"Is that chick a dominatrix?"

"Beats me."


[User] i can not "stand" people using punctuation inappropriately.

[Assistant] Spellling and grammer to.

[Assistant] and DON'T get me STARTED on capitalization overuse

[Assistant] And I’m sick to death of people using hyperbole.


[User] I didn't think of spanking my kids as an act of abuse -- until I hit bottom.

[Assistant] Dwayne Johnson's dad hit rock bottom.


[User] I like coconuts, bears, and bull riding; however, this didn't get me the attention I wanted on my dating profile.

[Assistant] You should’ve said Beets…Bears….Battlestar Galactica.

[Assistant] That would have been dwight way to do it.🙏


[User] A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

[Assistant] He looked around and said, "Shit, mate it"


[User] I normally use online recipes. I once tried cooking books but i don't really like the taste of burnt paper.

[Assistant] The last time I tried cooking books, the IRS got involved and now I'm in witness protection.


[User] An invisible man married an invisible woman, and the kids were nothing to look at either.

[Assistant] I've seen one of their kids, I don't think it's his.


[User] You really have to hand it to short people, because otherwise they can't reach.

[Assistant] Just leave it at “You have to hand it to short people.”


[User] I bought my wife a book on mindfulness but she didn't appreciate the present.

[Assistant] I get it!


[User] I got a clock implanted into my brain, it didn't take long before I started to get second thoughts.

[Assistant] Did you experience any ticks?


[User] I made Matthew McConaughey my GPS' celebrity voice and now I can't turn left.

[Assistant] Took me a second, haha

[Assistant] I’m still not there lol

[Assistant] Alright, alright, alright. Three rights equal a left

[Assistant] OHHHHH


[User] I bet you £63185037251 you didn't read that number.

[Assistant] Come on, we both know you haven't got £65120547063. Why would you bet me £64502826381 you haven't got?


[User] When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

[Assistant] You mean she didn't wig out!💁


[User] I’d like to introduce to my Japanese girlfriend, Conny Chiwa.

[Assistant] Introduce her as your Chinese girlfriend. Adds an extra layer of ignorance.


[User] My hyperbole skills are astounding.

[Assistant] My skills of self-deprecation are abysmal


[User] I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high... She looked surprised.

[Assistant] I told my wife she'd had too much botox, she didn't look surprised.


[User] If you add an "s" to the word "even", it becomes odd.

[Assistant] It evens itself out in the end though....

[Assistant] NICE

[Assistant] Holy thanks Batman :)


[User] Anyone who can spell the word drawer backwards will get a reward.

[Assistant] It took me a minute💀


[User] There’s nothing more mean spirited than the average ghost.

[Assistant] Took me a second but that's golden


[User] A man walked into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and said: "A beer please, and one for the road."

[Assistant] Carn’t unsee that


[User] Marriage is just two people taking turns mashing the trash down, in the hopes the other one folds first and empties the bin.

[Assistant]
My in-laws have a little sign that says
>90% of marriage is yelling "what" across the house


[User] One may say that the early bird always gets the worm, but remember it’s always the second mouse that gets the cheese.

[Assistant] Get yourself a repeating mouse trap


[User] If money doesn't grow on trees, why does every bank have so many branches?

[Assistant] Your question has really peaked some interest.


[User] I’m allergic to writing about fencing, so I’ll have to use my epee pen.

[Assistant] you really took a stab at that one

[Assistant] Foiled again!


[User] Last night I had sex for one hour and 2 minutes, thank you daylight saving time.

[Assistant] I thought daylight savings was an hour, when did they change it to one hour, 1 minute and 30 seconds?


[User] I was looking for a new online screen name and my friend suggested Gravlax. Is he serious or is there something fishy going on?

[Assistant] gravol + laxatives


[User] Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

[Assistant] No dirt to be seen.


[User] I now identify as invisible, I'm transparent

[Assistant] I identify as a comic book, I have multiple issues


[User] In Moses’ early life he didn’t know he was Jewish. He was in denial.

[Assistant] Technically a 2 liner, but good joke


[User] Coffee beans have successful marriages because they keep each other grounded.

[Assistant] Bean there done that.


[User] I used to frown upon the use of botox until I tried it.

[Assistant] I thought this might be inflammatory, but it hasnt raised an eybrow amongst the botox community.

[Assistant] incredible continuation lmfao


[User] My hemorrhoids were hurting so I took some analgesics.

[Assistant] At least all your problems are behind you.


[User] If a sex worker is careful, there is no labor involved.

[Assistant] Unless they go into British politics.


[User] I made some fish tacos last night but, I think they prefer their regular food.

[Assistant] Maybe it was just the way you served it.


[User] I am a Roman Catholic. I have XVII cats.

[Assistant] Cat-holic might be easier… or I might be slow!


[User] When I visited Japan recently I saw absolutely no signs of any ninja. I was very impressed.

[Assistant] Dude... Every country has ninjas. It's only Japan's that are so shit that we know about them...

[Assistant] This 😂


[User] Certain naval-themed movies like Hunt for Red October or U-571 only have sub plots

[Assistant] This is perfect for this sub.


[User] My four year old daughter has started calling geese "honkys" and I should correct her but I won't.

[Assistant] make sure to throw them some crackers


[User] Everywhere you go, there you are.

[Assistant] Wrong sub. I think you're looking for r/commonsense


[User] all purpose flour hasn't fixed my marriage yet

[Assistant] Flex tape us more reliable than placebo I've heard


[User] A fact worth remembering is that sharks will only attack you if you’re wet.

[Assistant] How do they detect that I'm aroused?


[User] Most amateur porn actors are not up to snuff.

[Assistant] I like dark humor, but DAMN….


[User] I renamed my iPhone The Titanic, so that when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”

[Assistant] Old but goodie


[User] why is it called ‘camouflage’ and not

[Assistant] I don’t see what you did there.

[Assistant] where?


[User] If my name was David and I had a boy, I would name him Harley, so he could introduce himself as “I’m Harley, David’s son.”

[Assistant] That's literally what "Davidson" means


[User] I'm writing a new book called "How to survive falling down the stairs: a step-by-step guide."

[Assistant] Perfect title, I almost fell for this.

[Assistant] Stairs, intently.


[User] The CIA came up with "sagging" your pants as a new way to introduce crack to black communities

[Assistant] \-\_-


[User] The spelling of the color "grey" is a bit of gray area.

[Assistant]
“A” is used by Americans, “E” is used by the English.

Simple Mnemonic.

Nice joke though

[Assistant] I actually use both. I treat grey as a light color like concrete, and gray as a dark color like stormy weather.

[Assistant] Check Crayola, America’s authority on color. American Gray is Gray.

[Assistant] We know that Western society is heading to an implosion when the authorities we need to appeal to are kindergarten style crayon-holding specialists. :)


[User] I'm writing a new book called "The Dangers of Elevators: How you can take steps to avoid them"

[Assistant] If they gave out free rewards still, I'd give you mine. That's great!


[User] I was hoping to steal some leftovers from the party but my plans were foiled.

[Assistant] You need to take it under wraps

[Assistant] Take a page out of my grams playbook. She has it in the bag.


[User] I think food is over-ated

[Assistant] This was not worth the weight


[User] In this sea of financial change, it's surprising that pennies are still in circulation.

[Assistant] Eventually the tide will change.


[User] I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

[Assistant] Man...I first heard this one when I was a kid...50 years ago! Classic.

[Assistant]
The Yale Book of Quotations, which attempts to trace all famous quotations to their earliest findable occurrence, has this:

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.” Tom Waits, quoted in Creem Magazine, March 1978.

[Assistant] I remember hearing it first from Tom Waits, was coming to comment something about it.


[User] If life hands you Melons, you might be dyslexic.

[Assistant] If life gives you melons, become a pornstar.


[User] They should do a background check before letting you buy a senator

[Assistant] Best I've seen in this sub, ever.


[User] Did you hear about the blind carpenter that picked up the hammer and saw?

[Assistant] That's.... that's so dumb I like it

[Assistant] What people say before becoming my friend.


[User] Who is Scott Fitzgerald, and why is everyone so rude about him?

[Assistant] I need someone to explain this one to me

[Assistant] F Scott Fitzgerald...

[Assistant] Ahh, okay! I'm still not fully awake lol. Thank you! :)


[User] Not only are boomerangs Australia’s biggest export, they're also their biggest import.

[Assistant] This joke just keeps coming back!


[User] Tell dad jokes when you're not a dad makes you a faux pa

[Assistant] Where’d you hear this one? Wait, wait, don’t tell me!


[User] I can’t tell you all Japanese history in one joke but, I can Samurais.

[Assistant] That's quite the joke you're ronin with


[User] When my friend said I wouldn’t be able to name two structures that hold water, I was like, “Well, damn.”

[Assistant] God I’m dumb, didn’t catch this was a joke, was like aqueducts and water towers!🤷🏻♂


[User] Learn to code in n=n+1 minutes

[Assistant] N+=1


[User] I believe in 12.5% of the Christian Bible. I'm an eighth-eist.

[Assistant] r/twoliners


[User] My friend told me that beer would make him smarter but I don’t think that anything would make my Budweiser.

[Assistant] It stimulates your Michelob.


[User] If you wash a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner.

[Assistant]
No, you become a vacuum cleaner cleaner.
I sold my vacuum cleaner because it was just gathering dust.


[User] Walking down the road I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, a lemon cheesecake and thought to myself, “The streets are strangely desserted tonight!”

[Assistant] I walked down the same street and thought, "Sweet!"


[User] Are the clients of prostitutes buy-sexual?

[Assistant] If two prostitutes have sex, who pays?

[Assistant] the one that charges less


[User] My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded a gold medal because the Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.

[Assistant] They also would have refused to acknowledge that it was a Ty.


[User] A true crossword puzzle would have nothing but angry words.

[Assistant] I don’t get it

[Assistant] “Cross” word

[Assistant] Im an idiot


[User] When people think of calculators they think the buttons are the most important thing but actually, it’s what’s inside that counts.

[Assistant] Your story adds up.


[User] Wish I were king, so I could fix what's wrong with democracy.

[Assistant] Pray for a theocracy to give us freedom. /s


[User] I like to collect magazines . . . . I have issues.

[Assistant] I collect television series. I have episodes.


[User] During his time in the Army, Bob Marley always polished his boots quietly with nobody else around, he was a buff alone soldier.

[Assistant] Just cause you write a run on sentence doesn't make it a one liner


[User] The most dangerous kind of canoe are volcanoes.

[Assistant] Haha this changed my mood


[User] I came across your wife last night!

[Assistant] Came upon


[User] Conjugal visits should be called guilty pleasures.

[Assistant] Take my upvote and don’t ever talk to me or my 37 children ever again


[User] The price of skylights is going through the roof

[Assistant] No, they will reach a ceiling.


[User] Government jobs allow you to attain the highest level of incompetence

[Assistant] I thought this sub was about jokes.


[User] The Abstinence Society is currently hiring for all positions.

[Assistant] no experience, Required


[User] I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.

[Assistant] I'm a carnivorous vegetarian. We're out there.


[User] Not to brag, but I have sychic powers, for example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”

[Assistant] I was going to give you the benefit of the doubt by assuming it was a typo if the joke was good. You're off the hook this time


[User] Ever since I moved to the US I've been in a state

[Assistant] Wise choice to avoid DC

[Assistant] No taxation without representation!


[User] I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not sure.

[Assistant]
Thank god I’m
an atheist.


[User] A fruit farmer told me: "I eat what fruit I can, and what I can't I can."

[Assistant] That joke would make a good opener.


[User] I saw the headline today "Al Jaffee, Long Time Fixture At Mad Magazine Has Passed," in tribute I folded it in to "Al Jaffee, Long assed" - I know it's what he woulda wanted.

[Assistant]
Thank you for a trip down memory lane.

I grew up on MAD Magazine ...


[User] Can you say “I’m gay,” with a straight face?

[Assistant] I don’t talk with my mouth full. 😆😉


[User] i'm trying to come up with a way to remember this sentence "A Concise Representation Of Names You Memorize".

[Assistant] Hold your hand against a hot frying pan and have someone scream it in your ear. Likely not worth it but effective ass hell.

[Assistant] Are you willing to be my screamer? I don't really want these neighbors knowing just how bad my memory is.


[User] I’ve seen a few meteor showers, but i have yet to find the meatiest shower.

[Assistant] Golds gym showers. no need to bring a towel


[User] If god didn't want us to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

[Assistant] If cat not want to be held, why baby sized?


[User] Everyone goes through life looking out for #1… unless they are walking through a cow pasture.

[Assistant] This joke is the shit


[User] If the Pope doesn't feel like going to church, does he just send out a mass text?

[Assistant] I laughed way too hard at this


[User] I read somewhere that playing white noise helps you sleep better, but I didn't find country music helpful at all.

[Assistant] I bought a white noise machine but it just kept telling me "all lives matter"

[Assistant] And to "get out of texas"


[User] Money can’t buy happiness, but poverty can’t buy anything.

[Assistant] Priceless joke


[User] Flat Earth theories are too edgy for my worldview.

[Assistant] The only thing flat earthers have to fear is sphere itself.


[User] Millions of weddings and yet all brides have failed to marry the best man in the room.

[Assistant] On the first occasion.


[User] I slept for ten hours last night, now the rest is history.

[Assistant] “I haven’t slept for two days, because that would be too long.”-Mitch Hedberg


[User] I look over shoulders, crazy how many people have the password "********"

[Assistant]
Did you know that Reddit has a built in password protection? If you type in any of your passwords into a post or comment, it blanks it out, like this:

My Reddit password is **********

And my banking password is **************

Cool, right?

[Assistant] My password is iLoveYou

[Assistant]
I can't see anything! It's just stars!

>My password is ********


[User] Some people are afraid of heights; not me, I'm afraid of widths.

[Assistant] Thank you Steven W


[User] Every 55 seconds, a guy in the US gets stabbed. Yeah, poor fellow.

[Assistant]
This sub is turning into r/twoliners

Defeats the purpose of this sub


[User] I wonder if the people paying $300 for a colon cleanse know about Taco Bell's $4.99 deal.

[Assistant] Every restaurant in the future will be Taco Bell.

[Assistant] But will they know how to use the three shells?

[Assistant] They will; John Spartan won't.


[User] I ate four cans of alphabet soup yesterday then I had the biggest vowel movement ever

[Assistant] I like it because it keeps me consonant.


[User] complaining about nudity in a novel that contains no pictures is like complaining about there being too much sound in a sandwich.

[Assistant] No


[User] A paper clip is a staple without the commitment.

[Assistant] Paper clips are certainly a staple on my desk.


[User] The most effective alarm clock is a full bladder.

[Assistant] Bed wetters disagree


[User] If they made a documentary about a woman getting a gender reassignment surgery, wouldn’t that just be an unboxing video?

[Assistant] I thought an Unboxing video was Muhammed Ali played in reverse.


[User] If I said you have a beautiful rack, would you hold tit against me?

[Assistant] My best pick up line: Wanna do something you'll regret tomorrow?


[User] I love hot dogs, but I'm more into a great personality.

[Assistant] r/onesentencehorror


[User] Memories ruin really good songs.

[Assistant] EVERYTHING REMINDS ME OF HER!!!


[User] give a lazy person a difficult job and they'll find an easy way to do it

[Assistant]
This is how you solve problems you never knew you had.

Equivalent to;

How long can you stay in a vacation?

''As long as they miss you you are fine. But be back before they realize they can do without you.''


[User] I have found hope and purpose in nihilism.

[Assistant] This joke means nothing to me


[User] Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

[Assistant] Credit: Groucho Marx.


[User] Anything recommended by a stoned person is highly recommended.

[Assistant] you ever wonder if we're just....really advanced chat gpt bots?


[User] Two sheep from Boston walk into a baaaaaaa

[Assistant] And asked the bartender “Ewe got anything good on tap”.

[Assistant] He replied we have " mutton sour"


[User] If you die in a car accident you overdosed on kinetic energy.

[Assistant] Sometimes it's not the overdose, but the withdrawal


[User] Physically impossible metaphors make my blood boil!

[Assistant]
Boiling blood is a matter of pressure. Decompression sickness, also called generalized barotrauma or the bends.

So relieving pressure can make your blood boil. If you are so inclined.


[User] Most men will receive their first bunch of flowers at their funeral.

[Assistant] Thanks for cheering me up


[User] The National Institute of Unfinished Research has concluded that 6 out of 10

[Assistant] This is why I always go to the Finnish Institute.


[User] My conservative uncle got fat to own the lbs.

[Assistant] LOL. Had to think about that one for a bit.

[Assistant] I bet his blood is Type O


[User] Teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 19

[Assistant] You could say it goes 2 0


[User] If you think the average American is dumb, realize that half of the country is even dumber than that

[Assistant] I think that's a George Carlin line.

[Assistant] It’s a little off, but yeah it is.


[User] You know you're getting old when a back rub sounds better than a BJ

[Assistant] "the thing about my back is, it's on my cock"


[User] This current crop of politicians definitively proves that Congress is indeed the opposite of progress

[Assistant] Politics is a Greek word. Derivation: "Poli" meaning "many," and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking parasites."

[Assistant] We should make them into "nervous tics" this election. No incumbents

[Assistant] Problem is that everyone seems to think that THEIR incumbent is fine, but all those others need to go...


[User] I'm so frugal that I don't even have a job to have money to spend.

[Assistant] I'm so frugal I burned down my local unemployment help center


[User] Everything is much more like it is now than it ever was before.

[Assistant] Today I feel older than I ever have in my life


[User] Doctor told me it was time for my prostate exam, too bad I forgot to study.

[Assistant] That test’s gonna fuck u in the ass


[User] My girlfriend asked me to do her hair like a Rastafarian, and I'm dreading it.

[Assistant] Hi, I'm from the joke police. You need to be loc'd up.

[Assistant] I'm from the DOJ (department of jokes).  I'll take it from here

[Assistant] Send him to the punitentiary!


[User] I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

[Assistant] Although funny, that's literally 2 lines lol


[User] My husband left me because of my gambling addiction but I know I can win him back

[Assistant] “but I bet…” would sound nice.


[User] I was so bored that I memorized six pages of the dictionary, and I learned next to nothing.

[Assistant] I was so bored, I read just over half the dictionary.  It was apples to oranges.

[Assistant] At least you had 1 of your “5 a day”


[User] I like to think that I'm ahead of my time as a musician, but my critics call it "completely off-beat".

[Assistant] *But we’re you rushing or dragging?!*


[User] I find elevators very uplifting but half the time they let me down

[Assistant] You’re getting shafted.


[User] my favorite things are eating my family and not using commas

[Assistant] Interesting. My favorite things are eating my family, and  using commas.

[Assistant] Wait a minute


[User] My only weakness as a writer is I don’t know, how to use commas.

[Assistant] Same, except I don't know how to use colons, and I'm not a writer I'm a proctologist


[User] I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.

[Assistant] Get your mits off oneliners.

[Assistant] I have to hand it to you


[User] My sleep schedule is so bad that I have a circadian polyrhythm

[Assistant] *Tfw non-musicians in the comments don't know what a polyrhythm is*


[User] Lady Gaga says she’s planning to launch her own radio station later this year but can’t think of a name

[Assistant]
Took me a second.

See also: Queen


[User] For years, I played the piano by ear; now i use my hands.

[Assistant] This struck the right chord


[User] I just moved in next to a horse farm and I love it, everybody has been very neighborly.

[Assistant] I guess the location is stable?

[Assistant] Yes, and everybody says hay when they see you.


[User] If I had a dollar for everytime I had an existential crisis it wouldnt matter because currency is a social construct and life is meaningless.

[Assistant] Good thing it's just a philosophical crisis, and not an economic one.


[User] It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.

[Assistant] I like this.  I'm waiting for someone to say it's a repost and old as the hills.  But, new for me.


[User] Adam & Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and conditions.

[Assistant] But they were the first major supporters of incest.

[Assistant] Which would explain a lot of human history..


[User] Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it badly enough

[Assistant] Kinda like wiring - Where there is smoke there is infinite ohms


[User] I’ve never been to Prague but I’d really like to Czech it out.

[Assistant] I laughed out loud. Well done 👍🏼


[User] Our electricity company has disconnected us, and now we are powerless to do anything about it.

[Assistant] I guess you’re in the dark on what to do next.

[Assistant] Shocking


[User] English puns make me feel numb but math puns make me feel number.

[Assistant] There must be a common denominator between the two..


[User] Cannibals don't eat comedians due to the joking hazard.

[Assistant] I thought it was because they taste funny


[User] I would tell you the one about gaslighting, but I already did.

[Assistant] You told me it was funny, but it's not.


[User] If you get shampoo in your mouth while singing in the shower, it becomes a soap opera.

[Assistant] Don't use sham-poo.  Insist on the real thing.


[User] Why call them Capybaras when Guinea Bigs is right there?

[Assistant] Horse faced rat Kong.


[User] If the presidents had been dogs: Rover Cleveland.

[Assistant] Bark Obama


[User] A word in this sentence is misspelled.

[Assistant] You are technically correct. The best kind of correct.

[Assistant] I sees a Futurama quote in the wilds and I's upvotes its.

[Assistant] Whoas

[Assistant] What do I look like, a guy that's not lazy??


[User] My chiropractor talks about me behind my back.

[Assistant] And charges an arm and a leg


[User] “Pickup artists” and “garbagemen” should switch names.

[Assistant] You may be overestimatating the inteligince on the ardience.


[User] My Half-Brother and I, aren't allowed to play with chainsaws anymore

[Assistant] He’s cut off!


[User] Socks are portable carpets

[Assistant] Wouldn't this be better off in r/showerthoughts ?


[User] When Mando goes on a date, he takes his best car

[Assistant] This is the way 😀

[Assistant] …said the Mandalorian GPS


[User] Frittatas are so much better than expensive tatas.

[Assistant] I've wasted a lot of one's and fives on expensive tatas.


[User] I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house, but the kids still get in.

[Assistant] I feel you. What really upsets me is when the cops bring them back. He's six, can't he find his own place to live?


[User] My bakery burned down last night and not only is the business now toast, but I don't have the dough to build a new one.

[Assistant] Well, bakers can't be choosers...


[User] Why does everyone spend money on shampoo when real poo is free?

[Assistant] I have spent all week muttering 'shampoo for my real friends real poo for my sham friends'

[Assistant] Works with champagne too.

[Assistant] Also works with shamrocks.


[User] The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song, but the Chick Peas can hummus one.

[Assistant] Hey now…


[User] Repeat after me: We are all individuals.

[Assistant] I'm not


[User] Clones are people two.

[Assistant] I've seen this joke somewhere, so this is just a copy


[User] My dad believes in reincarnation, so in his will he left everything to himself.

[Assistant] Good one


[User] Vin Diesel eats two meals a day, breakfast and breakfurious.

[Assistant] Famealy


[User] Spider-Man has a winter coat made out of Mediterranean flatbread, it's called a Pita Parka.

[Assistant] that was a long way to go for a really bad pun, do you think if he eats if he will "feel-alfel"


[User] If you find yourself drooling while watching food porn, that's just pre yum.

[Assistant] It's usually coupled with the sudden urge to masticate.


[User] If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

[Assistant] It can be fixed with ointment.....

[Assistant]
Oinkment

Yeah, I know, r/yourjokebutworse

[Assistant] Ahhh autocollect strikes a game


[User] You can be vegan without telling everybody. I do it.

[Assistant] How many lines is that, OP?

[Assistant]
IKR‽

This sub proves that Redditors cannot count.


[User] Without nipples, breasts are pointless

[Assistant] In this case, we really can’t milk it for all its worth.


[User] Were the regular 'dillos wiped out when the armoured ones came along?

[Assistant] Lol... I read this as "dildos"

[Assistant] I misread this as dildos like five times before finally getting it. Made me chuckle


[User] I suffer from kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I take something for it.

[Assistant] Good one. Might use it later.


[User] I clapped because it’s finished, not because I like it.

[Assistant] I'm my case, just coz everybody else is


[User] Puns about communism aren’t funny unless everyone gets them.

[Assistant] You'd get full Marx, but I feel like you're just Stalin'.

[Assistant] Need to Lenin a little more!

[Assistant] Trotsky alongsky.

[Assistant] That’s Putin it mildly


[User] I want to join the Optimist’s Club, but they probably won’t accept me.

[Assistant] I want to join the Made Up Club but I don't think it exists...

[Assistant] Or the procrastinator club. Every day I call, and they say the meeting is “maybe tomorrow”

[Assistant]
> Every day I call

you're not procrastination club material


[User] Why aren’t iPhone chargers called Apple Juice?

[Assistant] Why isn't a toaster called a Tanning Bread?

[Assistant] Why isn't a bra called a bosom buddy?

[Assistant] Why isn't a jetski called a boatercycle?

[Assistant] Why isn't a Dad bod called a Father figure?

[Assistant] Why isn't car repair called autocorrect?


[User] Panties aren't the greatest thing in the world, but they are close to it

[Assistant] Better than thongs: put under the slightest of pressure they become stuck up assholes.


[User] I ordered a mail-order bride but I wasn't home when she was delivered so now she's married to my neighbor.

[Assistant] The quality of oneliners in this sub is going downhill.  Why would your neighbor take your "mail?"

[Assistant] He took the fe-mail

[Assistant] Oh, the irony.


[User] Don’t yell into a colander, you’ll strain your voice.

[Assistant] Your theory doesn't hold water, it's full of holes


[User] No matter how far you push the envelope, it’s still stationery.

[Assistant] This would work very well as a riddle

[Assistant] What remains stationary no matter how far it is moved?


[User] Velcro. What a rip off..

[Assistant] I kind of like it… You could say it hooked my eye from the start.


[User] To be frank, I’d have to change my name.

[Assistant] Shirley you must be joking!


[User] I tried coke for the first and only time.

[Assistant] Okay, I have to admit I’m not getting this, is the joke that it’s not actually gonna be that they died, or that it isn’t really the last time or what?

[Assistant] Apply the subreddits name as though you are describing a group of people

[Assistant] Okay, that is very clever. Don’t think I would ever have spotted it though.

[Assistant]
Still not getting it... I may need it spelled out.

Edit. Urghhhhhhh.

[Assistant] Someone who’s only done one line of coke could be called a oneliner, the name of the subreddit. Took me a minute to figure it out too

[Assistant] Ooooooooooppph! Took too long, can't laugh no more.


[User] "I looked up the word politics in the dictionary, and learned it's a combination of the words `poli', which means `many', and `tics', which means `bloodsuckers'." - Jay Leno

[Assistant] I remember a time when Leno was a respected stand-up comedian.

[Assistant] This joke predates Leno. By a lot.


[User] You know what they say about cliffhangers...

[Assistant] This is great! I knew even before I clicked, but had to see it for myself.


[User] Every time I think of books, I touch my shelf

[Assistant] Might get in better touch if you think of naked librarians . . .

[Assistant] Shhhh


[User] My friend says to me "what rhymes with orange"? I said "no it doesn't".

[Assistant]
More like:
What doesn’t rhyme with orange


[User] The rotation of the Earth really makes my day.

[Assistant] I didn't get this at first, but then it dawned on me.


[User] I hate the key of E minor. It gives me the EBGBs.

[Assistant] I can't be the only one who mentally sang the progression when reading the joke.


[User] Vu ja de: the strange feeling that nothing like this has EVER happened before.

[Assistant] Credit: the incredible George Carlin


[User] Autocorrect makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo

[Assistant] Wii have the same issue!!


[User] I wanna meet the Tom that got an entire genre of foolery named after him.

[Assistant] Said Tom, swiftly.


[User] Unfortunately, the days of people using proper grammar has come and went.

[Assistant] comed & wented


[User] Here’s a joke for psychics:

[Assistant] I laughed already but couldn’t comment then, since you hadn’t posted this yet.


[User] Why do you never see the headline: "Psychic Wins Lottery, yet again"?

[Assistant] Because psychics don't exist...


[User] I joined the army the moment I heard about the War on Drugs, but I ended up in Vietnam and the "on drugs" part never came.

[Assistant] Opium was like 4 cents a metric ton in vietnam, the on drugs part for sure came at some point.


[User] You are what you eat: for example, if you eat a cannibal, then you are a cannibal.

[Assistant] You're not what you eat, you're what you don't shit out

[Assistant] Came for oneliners, stayed for ELI5


[User] Marriage is a combined effort of two persons in solving problems that did not exist before marriage.

[Assistant]
The version I'm familiar with:

A spouse is a person who helps you deal with all the problems you wouldn't have had if you weren't married.


[User] Magic Johnson wasted the worlds best Porn Star name on a sports career

[Assistant] Magic was doing his best. Fooling around, he caught AIDS. The joke at the time, was MAGIC means (My Ass Got Infected Coach).


[User] My half brother and I aren't allowed to play with chain saws anymore.

[Assistant] I'm a tree surgeon and I'm stihl allowed


[User] If I'm reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are talking about some creepy guy next door.

[Assistant] That’s a good one… haha


[User] If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitation.

[Assistant] s/precipitation/precipitate/


[User] Every mushroom is edible, sometimes only once.

[Assistant] I don't know if Terry Pratchett was the origin of the quote or not, but it def sounds like something he would write


[User] I’m in my sexual prime, and boy are my arms tired

[Assistant]
"The 1st time I had sex, it was terrible.. I was all alone.."

Dangerfield


[User] My balloon elephant wouldn’t fit in the back seat of the car so I had to pop the trunk.

[Assistant] Spoiler alert, OP got it for peanuts.


[User] I never started listening to 50 cent, as I do not like change.

[Assistant] You really coined a phrase..


[User] Saying “lollygagging” really take a new meaning in the anime community nowadays.

[Assistant] *"incorrect" buzzer noise*


[User] The natural penalty for polygamy is multiple mothers in law.

[Assistant] Not if they are sisters

[Assistant] This guy marries!


[User] Donald Trump turns 77 in two weeks, which makes him the first president in history whose age surpasses his IQ.

[Assistant] Nah he surpassed that when he turned 60.


[User] When I was a boy I hated religion and the constant ‘stand up, sit down, kneel’… I wish the priest would’ve just picked a position

[Assistant] You stole that from Jimmy Carr.


[User] It's perfectly fine to marry your second cousin, as long as you're legally divorced from the first one.

[Assistant] Makes for a lovely family trunk


[User] In light of tonight's full moon, beware the online werecreature, the lycansubscribe.

[Assistant] Dammit thats clever.


[User] I was in a band called The Hinges, we opened for The Doors.

[Assistant] I thought that was The Knobs


[User] I used to have an addiction to Michael Jackson songs, but I just beat itGODDAMNIT.

[Assistant] That is Bad.


[User] My index finger was amputated after an accident at work. I dont think it was entirely my fault but I'm not pointing the finger at anybody.

[Assistant] One liner should be one sentence. Count with me: one, tw...oh, sorry.


[User] Surely not everybody was Kung Fu fighting…

[Assistant] EVERYbody…without exception


[User] The amount of cookies I've watched the Cookie Monster waste with his bullshit chewing makes me sick.

[Assistant] Is this a one liner?  You are just opining. True, but not particularly humourous.


[User] I for one, like roman numerals.

[Assistant] High v!


[User] A pun has matured when it's full groan.

[Assistant] And it's ready to be a dad joke when it becomes apparent.


[User] You might not be the dumbest guy in the world, but you better hope he doesn’t die.

[Assistant] Billy-Bob over there, giving the rest of us hope


[User] Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

[Assistant] Why am I salivating?


[User] I never finish anything, I have a black belt in partial arts.

[Assistant] I never finish anything eith

[Assistant] Is that an incomplete sente


[User] It’s my belief that sign language can come in handy.

[Assistant] How do you write "do not touch" in Braille?


[User] If vegetarians get in an argument, is it still called a beef?

[Assistant] No, its Beyond a beef.

[Assistant] Impossible beef.


[User] Edam is the only cheese that's made backwards.

[Assistant] I love using this joke, but it's not a very popular cheese. I used to buy it for people just so I could use the joke, but these days I don't give edam.


[User] I thought the word Caesarean started with an S but when I looked it up in the dictionary it was in the C section.

[Assistant] Nice job, I did not see that coming.


[User] I once put diesel in a escort, she died

[Assistant] Gary Delaney is the best


[User] Is it just me or does every Mexican you know also have an uncle Tio?

[Assistant] 2 comments and no one has gone "hermanooooo" yet smh

[Assistant] It's alright, fratello. Fratello's brother in Italian. I don't know why I know that; I took four years of Spanish in high school.


[User] I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

[Assistant] Psychic girlfriend? E S Please!


[User] Time travel isn't what it used to will have been.

[Assistant] I was gonna tell a joke about time travel, but you guys didn't get it.


[User] Father’s Day is on Sunday.

[Assistant] That one creeps up on you.  I'd scrolled about 7 posts before I got it.

[Assistant] Care to enlighten?

[Assistant] 'Son day'


[User] I've gotten a new pet termite and named it after my favorite actor, Clint Eatswood.

[Assistant] Have you done a gender test?  Put it in water, and if it floats, it's boy ant.


[User] White Claw tastes like you are drinking TV static while someone screams the name of a fruit from another room.

[Assistant] I see that you, too, looked literally anywhere on the internet in 2019 and saw this


[User] I lost all my weed in a series of small fires

[Assistant] Mitch, is that you?


[User] Youl never hear a cocaine addict say "who's line is it anyway?"

[Assistant] I'd say actually it's highly likely. Coke makes you think you're funny as hell, and hell, sometimes you are.


[User] Truthfully, Fire trucks are actually Water Trucks

[Assistant] "Actually they are just pumps, there's not even water in them. The water comes from the hydrants" -My dad when given this line


[User] Who’s the genius that decided to call it “emotional baggage” and not “griefcase”?

[Assistant] Using griefcase now. Griefcases.....I've got a few


[User] A bad limbo player walked into a bar

[Assistant]
9/10
Fantastic. Had me chuckling right away.


[User] Don't you hate it when you get amnesia and deja vu at the same time?

[Assistant] Sounds like ADHD.


[User] A woman walks into a bar and says “I want an entendre, make it a double”.

[Assistant] So he gave it to her, then?


[User] My inflatable house got a puncture last night so now I’m living in a flat.

[Assistant] Not a problem, patch it up and it will be back to what it was due to inflation.


[User] Do you know the worst part about rhetorical questions?

[Assistant]
Antici...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...


[User] About 4 minutes into my run, I've decided I want to work on my personality instead.

[Assistant] I don't get it.


[User] You can't spell advertisements without semen between the tits.

[Assistant] They say sex sells, so apparently you can't *sell* advertisements without semen between the tits.


[User] Deep sea submarine Commander is an extremely high pressure job.

[Assistant] Too soon?


[User] Vampires aren’t usually good at math unless you Count Dracula.

[Assistant] You forget to Count von Count


[User] To the person who stole my place in the queue, I’m after you now!

[Assistant] Following


[User] Digging a vertical mineshaft is straight-up boring.

[Assistant] As a civil engineer, good one


[User] This sentence contains exactly threee erors.

[Assistant]
Everybody talking about this being a paradox, not realizing how simple it is.

Error 1: "errors" misspelled as "erors"

Error 2: "two" is wildly misspelled as "threee"

[Assistant]
I just assumed it was:
1: "errors" spelled incorrectly
2: "three" spelled incorrectly
3: the sentence contains the words error

[Assistant]
I thought this thread would be a fun read based on the sentence but seeing people come up with wrong theories about it is hurting my brain.

1. erors
2. threee
3. Those are only two errors so now the sentence has 3 errors.


[User] Hermaphrodites can go fuck themselves

[Assistant] Some folks would probably pay big money to see it on only fans.


[User] When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner.

[Assistant] When you copy someone else’s joke you become a joke copier.


[User] Foresight is insight acquired thru hindsight.

[Assistant]
Well said. I also like,
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Steven Wright


[User] I wonder if the guy who coined "one-hit wonder" ever came up with any other phrases.

[Assistant] He tried, but it was a sophomore slump.


[User] The dude I pay to stop by once a week to pick up the poop in my yard just realized I do not have any pets.

[Assistant] Shit

[Assistant] been here lawn?


[User] I hate confusing people

[Assistant] Its so simple, yet so beautiful. 9.5/10


[User] June 31 is Calendar Awareness Day.

[Assistant] Hey! You got me.


[User] Someone in the USA has no clue that this is their last weekend with all ten fingers.

[Assistant] This was a better r/showerthoughts post than a one liner.


[User] A Communism joke is only funny if everyone gets it

[Assistant] It's better than dictatorship jokes. Nobody gets those.


[User] I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

[Assistant] Is this an Obama joke?


[User] Congratulations to my wife who reached a new culinary milestone today by setting off the neighbor's smoke alarm.

[Assistant] Anyway, they're dead now


[User] Is there another word for "thesaurus?"

[Assistant] Synonymicon


[User] Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?

[Assistant] Google...what is solip...nevermind


[User] Once we're extinct I hope aliens will visit us and see our empty desolate landscapes filled with JESUS IS COMING signs and assume that he ate us.

[Assistant] This is the greatest post I’ve ever seen on this sub. If I wasn’t a poor, you’d have an award right now.


[User] I prefer porn with subtitles, so that I can figure out what the animals are saying.

[Assistant] One sentence horror.

[Assistant]
Wait, it’s not what you think!

I just want to make sure that the proper words of consent are being exchanged between both parties.

It’s terrible what they often allow these animals to do to the actors.


[User] I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy

[Assistant] I’d rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy…


[User] I swallowed an entire ball of tangled string, I shit you not.

[Assistant] If you're going to do this joke you still need to spell it correctly

[Assistant] I no, write?


[User] A mosquito landed on my mate's face... Easiest. Decision. Ever.

[Assistant] r/fourliners


[User] It's CDO, spelled alphabetically LIKE IT SHOULD BE!!

[Assistant] What?


[User] Podophiles should inform potential partners in advance so they don't get off on the wrong foot.

[Assistant] Boy did I read this wrong the first three times

[Assistant] I'm not kidding


[User] I hate anal sex. It's fucking shit.

[Assistant] People don't seem to understand the concept of 'one' line.  Didn't they attend english class week one? We learned capitals then too


[User] I called the incontinence hotline, and they said "will you please hold?"!!!

[Assistant] I can't tell if I'm stupid or op is


[User] Can you tell me in 500 words or less what is mansplaining?

[Assistant] Why don't you tell me what you think it is, and I'll tell you how you're wrong?


[User] Being a baby must be terrifying, imagine going to sleep in your house and you wake up at Target.

[Assistant] This sub has better showerthoughts than the actual showerthoughts sub


[User] What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

[Assistant] #A riddle!!!


[User] Did you hear the one about two bald brothers who put their heads together and made an ass of themselves?

[Assistant] To me they are just a couple of boobs.


[User] A Jackie Chan fight scene where he's in an Ikea warehouse and he fights off dudes with furniture pieces but by the end he's accidentally assembled it all into a complete bedroom set.

[Assistant] Perhaps you don't know what a one liner is.

[Assistant] Technically, his idea IS just one line.


[User] I had a really funny joke to share, but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime...

[Assistant] I dinner see that coming.


[User] If I could have sex with anyone living or dead, I'd pick living.

[Assistant] I'd pick that guy's dead wife


[User] The earth is 71% water, which is uncarbonated, so in a sense it’s flat.

[Assistant] The atmosphere has CO2 (and rising).  The earth is carbonated. Not flat, but sparkling.


[User] I've never been good in geography, but I can name one city in France, which is nice.

[Assistant] It’s nice that it’s named after your brother’s daughter.


[User] The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

[Assistant] …and the first mouse’s watch, wallet, and jewelry.


[User] Giving birth is a real crowning achievement.

[Assistant] Nice delivery


[User] Having a colonoscopy wasn’t the most fun I ever had, but it was way way up there!

[Assistant] Find anything, Doc? Well it certainly wasn't for a lack of looking.


[User] I gave up organising my porn from A to Z when I realised it was just anal.

[Assistant]
I laughed quite independently of the play in words.
I think the one genre thing is funny in an of itself.


[User] Sideshow bob was an unsuccessful Bartender

[Assistant] To anyone struggling like me, Sideshow Bob is a character in The Simpsons who is apparently an arch-nemesis of Bart Simpson. Or so Wikipedia tells me.


[User] I considered getting my degree in mime, but I didn't want to feel boxed in to a career.

[Assistant] My uncle has his Masters in Mime Sciences, but he refuses to discuss it


[User] Zebras have stripes so they arent spotted

[Assistant] Just hit me now and had to share lol

[Assistant] You did not spot it before it hit you? Probably that same zebra.


[User] Fucking millennials, they walk around, like they rent the place!!

[Assistant] First oneliner that made me chuckle in a while!


[User] Not to brag but my new car gets 3.785 liters to the gallon.

[Assistant] We aussies go one better, we get 4.546 litres per gallon in our new cars.