[User] A fine is a tax for doing wrong; a tax is a fine for doing well.

[Assistant] Tax is fine but a fine is not fine.


[User] People pronouncing Kyiv wrong is my new pet Pyiv.

[Assistant] an historic moment


[User] After you die, the last part of your body to stop working are your pupils because they dilate.

[Assistant] How did you even come up with that?

[Assistant] Eminem type punchline


[User] All I'm saying is, at any point during that ride through the desert, he could have given that horse a name.

[Assistant] He could have...of course...in the desert you can't remember your name and therefore, presumably, your horse's name.


[User] Do airplane pilots take crash courses?

[Assistant] Only once


[User] TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute, but on the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium.

[Assistant]
One-liners being tagged as NSFW is so dumb since you can see the whole title anyway.

But on the other hand, this one-liner is literally not safe for work....

[Assistant] Unless your job is to feed the piranhas and your employer is Pablo Escobar


[User] Surely, BonJovi must be at LEAST three quarters of the way there by now.

[Assistant] Lol but you need a trigger warning because now that song is stuck into my head

[Assistant] You & me both...


[User] A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

[Assistant] I read that as smile and spent way to long imagining parched lips


[User] The guillotine was a revolutionary invention.

[Assistant] So was the wheel


[User] I’ve got some Racing Geese for sale if anyone wants to come and have a quick Gander….

[Assistant] And you can eat the losers


[User] I want to put a humidifier & a dehumidifier in a room together and find out which one will win.

[Assistant] Sounds like something Stephen Wright would say!

[Assistant] right on https://fb.watch/bAalKGfLXV/ that s a wright joke


[User] I may be schizophrenic - but at least I have each other

[Assistant] You’re thinking of the wrong disorder


[User] I grilled a chicken for two hours and it still wouldn't tell me why it crossed the road.

[Assistant] Time to roast


[User] Being a dyslexic cocaine addict is a bit in the nose.

[Assistant]
Good one.

 Consider leaning into the dyslexia part of the joke instead of just substituting "on" with "in". Too subtle, imho.

For example "...is a nose on the bit." Really turn this into a zinger.

[Assistant] Mixing letters is dyslexia, mixing words (as in your example) is dyspraxia


[User] Since time is money, therefore ATMs are time machines.

[Assistant] Not just time machines, **A**dvanced**T**ime**M**achines.


[User] My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick mostly because his name is Steve.

[Assistant] Is it because he’s a real pain in the ass?


[User] Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.49.

[Assistant] This might double as a pick-up line in some circles.


[User] We all know where the Big Apple is but does anyone know where the Minneapolis?

[Assistant]
I know it looks like a mini apple but it's really a cherry on a spoon.

Thanks big apple for repainting it!


[User] Stealing alcohol is whiskey

[Assistant] Try to steal my whiskey and you’ll get a Canadian Club


[User] I decided against posting a joke about drinking water as it was tasteless.

[Assistant] r/hydrohomies will be hearing about this😡

[Assistant] r/unexpectedbeef


[User] the sledgehammer really was a groundbreaking invention

[Assistant] Jackhammer works better


[User] We have to embrace false dichotomies, because the only alternative is cannibalism.

[Assistant]
Credit to XKCD
https://xkcd.com/2592


[User] I failed my math tests so many times, I can't even count

[Assistant] Can you odd count?

[Assistant] Just...how odd do you want it?


[User] Bought a pencil at an auction that once belonged to Shakespeare, not sure if it's a 2b or not 2b

[Assistant] Hamlet: Act III, Scene III, Line 87


[User] The pub is ten minutes from my house, however, my house is two hours from the pub.

[Assistant] The difference is staggering.


[User] My new job as a feather inspector has got me feeling down.

[Assistant] At least the work load is light!


[User] Balloons are weird, "Happy Birthday, here's a plastic sack of my breath".

[Assistant]
“And in return, I give you: air from my lungs.”

*”how… intimate.”*

“There’s more where that came from!”

[Assistant] r/UnexpectedDoctorWho


[User] The Russian economy has been reduced to ruble overnight.

[Assistant] we all wish things would kopek to the way things were.


[User] Imagine two guys named Ted meet each other, they’ll be like united.

[Assistant] Seems like uni-Ted would only be one though 🤔...

[Assistant] You-'n'-I, Ted.


[User] Is it OK to yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded firehouse?

[Assistant] Only if Backdraft is playing.


[User] I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail but apparently, you can’t end a sentence with a proposition.

[Assistant] This is good. I like this one.


[User] diarrhea runs in my jeans

[Assistant] Haha gross


[User] Alligators can live to be 100 years old, which is why there is an increased chance that they will see you later.

[Assistant] See you later, alligator.

[Assistant] After a while, crocodile.

[Assistant] This is how i differentiate between the two, tell them you will see it later, and hear what it replies


[User] When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body, but I'm so polite, I only look at the covered parts.

[Assistant] What a gentleman!


[User] The internet - more knobs than an antique furniture dealers convention.

[Assistant] Instagram - more filters and butts than a chainsmoker's ashtray.


[User] Parallel lines have so much in common, so it’s a shame they’ll never meet.

[Assistant] I thought this sub was for oneliners, yet here you are, talking about multiple lines.

[Assistant] The real joke


[User] I was told that chameleons blend well... then why did this one ruin my smoothie?

[Assistant] The amount it made was my newt.


[User] The adjective for metal is metallic but not so for iron, which is ironic.

[Assistant] That is a ferrous assessment. lol


[User] A wise man once said "treat the janitor with the same respect you show your CEO" and that's how I started sucking the janitors cock

[Assistant] Norm MacDonald vibes


[User] My programming teacher didn’t care about the error I spotted in her instructions and told me to just run the code, so I just complied.

[Assistant] You should say compiled.

[Assistant] missed the joke, but found the pun.

[Assistant] Dang.  So did I.  This is genius-level.  Inception.


[User] My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list I was making, but now I can’t read anything.

[Assistant] I was making a sandwich for lunch the other day when I got ketchup on my hand. I forgot it was there and rubbed my eyes. I regretted it almost immediately. I guess my Heinzsite is 20/20.


[User] A red ship collided with a blue ship, and both crews were marooned.

[Assistant] It must have been a very violet collision..


[User] What if God came down one day and just said "It's pronounced 'Jod'" then left.

[Assistant] Omj


[User] Me and my brother both have an inferiority complex but his is better.

[Assistant] My wife and I laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh louder.


[User] Anyone with half a brain, knows that lobotomies are a bad idea.

[Assistant]
DDT did a job on me

Now I am a real sickie

Guess I'll have to break the news

That I got no mind to lose


[User] It really smells around that ol’ factory.

[Assistant] What

[Assistant] Olfactory, relating to your sense of smell

[Assistant] Oh. Thanks


[User] Do you think Gordon Ramsays wife gets really nervous before he eats her pussy ?

[Assistant] Do you think he goes in *fucking raw*?


[User] People who get offended by fat jokes need to lighten up.

[Assistant] You'd think they would be tons of fun.

[Assistant] if they had a pound for every time they've heard that.

[Assistant] Stop making fun of fat people. They have enough on their plates already.

[Assistant] Sorry.. was just food for thought..


[User] I tried to come up with a Will Smith joke but I couldn’t think of a punchline

[Assistant] This joke slaps


[User] Good thing Chris Rock didn’t make fun of Alec baldwins wife.

[Assistant] oof, shots fired


[User] "Muffins" backwards is exactly what you want to do when you take them out of the oven.

[Assistant] Yeah, well Jesus God backwards is Sausage Dog


[User] Every box of raisins is a tragic tale of grapes that could have been wine.

[Assistant] Did you ever think that, when describing the various flavors in wine, that no one ever says, "grapes"?

[Assistant] Nobody says barley for beer.


[User] Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch, Yeti never complains.

[Assistant] Unlike 90% of the random drivel on this sub, this one is pure gold! Good job!


[User] Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit /s.

[Assistant] Pretty good!


[User] They say a dog is man's best friend, but I don't even have enemies that'll look me dead in the eye while making a puddle on my carpet.

[Assistant]
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

-Groucho Marx


[User] What does idk mean?

[Assistant] Bunch of dads. All of you.


[User] I passed my genetic engineering exam, with flying koalas

[Assistant] You met the koala-fications


[User] My wife's cooking is so bad, we usually pray after our food.

[Assistant] I swear Rodney Dangerfield said this in Natural Born Killers lol


[User] Women fake orgasms for relationships, men fake relationships for orgasms.

[Assistant] r/im14andthisisdeep


[User] I wanted to make a poop joke but couldn’t figure shit out.

[Assistant] Poop jokes are not my favorite form of comedy, but they are a solid number two.


[User] A Roman walks into bar, holds up two fingers and says, "Five beers, please"

[Assistant] I hate you

[Assistant] I love this comment and I love that it's the first comment lmao

[Assistant] You’re welcome 🫠


[User] I can't stand Italians and their slanty eyes and , , , "no wait that's italics".

[Assistant] C’mon! That’s funny!!


[User] Denny's is just Waffle House for people who can't fight.

[Assistant] Waffle House is just Denny's for people who can't mosh.


[User] Due to smugness I’ve been prescribed anti-gloating cream I can’t wait to rub it in…

[Assistant] This deserves an award. Something big that you can show off.


[User] A shop that sells bread and flowers called buns and roses

[Assistant] Both use the cold November rain 🌧


[User] A man sleeps with a bunch of women and he’s called a player, but a woman does it and she’s called a lesbian.

[Assistant] Yes


[User] Why did people with 20/20 vision not predict covid?

[Assistant]
Because it came around in 2019.

NEXT

[Assistant] [NEXT JOKE ORIGIN](https://www.reddit.com/r/ChoosingBeggars/comments/7kr5as/i_need_a_free_100mile_bus_trip_for_20_people_and/)


[User] The person who invented the door knocker deserves a Nobel prize.

[Assistant] This was posted on r/dadjokes 14 hours ago


[User] The Hooters restaurant should start a home delivery service called Knockers.

[Assistant] Patent that asap

[Assistant] You mean Paten-tit?


[User] Whenever someone tells me I look familiar, I tell them I do porn.

[Assistant] Perfect for weddings and funerals


[User] A trophy of a cat's butt would be a catastrophe.

[Assistant] This is my new favorite dad joke.


[User] A Roman doctor notices his patient is dehydrated, so he administers a four.

[Assistant] This deserves more than a few upvotes


[User] You bet giraffes I like the zoo.

[Assistant] 𝙘𝙤𝙣𝙛𝙪𝙨𝙚𝙙

[Assistant] You bet your ass I like the zoo

[Assistant] Thank you. I'm slow.


[User] I'd bet Jesus was really into crossfit.

[Assistant] Nailed it.


[User] Coffee is not my cup of tea.

[Assistant] This went over like a flying saucer.


[User] I spent ages trying to spell Inconsequential before I realized it's not that important.

[Assistant] I think this would work better as "I spent ages trying to define inconsequential" or something along those lines


[User] The difference between walking to the bar and walking from the bar is staggering.

[Assistant]
I see what you did there
I see what you did there


[User] To a dyslexic person, the elbow is below.

[Assistant] This joke made me bellow


[User] I never liked shellfish much; They only care about themselves.

[Assistant] It should be "themshelves"


[User] Once you've read the dictionary, everything else is just a remix.

[Assistant] r/stolenoneliners


[User] Supposedly there’s a style of rice shaped pasta, orzo I’m told.

[Assistant] I tried orzo for the first time in my life today and then i see this. The world is a simulation

[Assistant] We had orzo pasta salad for dinner tonight. The last time we used orzo was months ago. This is truly an auspicious one-liner.


[User] What starts with a 'W' it ends with a 'T' and has only three letters

[Assistant]
You sure 3?
Edit: nvm

[Assistant]
* “what” starts with a W
* “It” ends with a “T”
* “And” only has 3 letters

[Assistant] Oh shit I didn't look at it like that, I just assumed the first two were for the "what" and got confused about the third

[Assistant] They got me too.


[User] Life is like a penis,,, often hard for no reason.

[Assistant] Religion is like a penis, its ok to have one but dont shove it down my throat.


[User] My father has schizophrenia, but he’s good people.

[Assistant] that's not schizophrenia, like at all.


[User] I'm getting an MRI done to find out if I'm claustrophobic

[Assistant] What? You are afraid of Santa?


[User] As a mountain, Rushmore used to be unprecedented.

[Assistant] Unpresidented.....


[User] Somebody walked in on me jerking off in the bathroom and we sat there staring in silence, I was a master of waiting with bated breath.

[Assistant] A run on sentence doesn’t really constitute a one liner


[User] Started a new political party called the Scissors Party, been told we are not allowed to run

[Assistant] If you do start running, please fix Postal 4.


[User] My penis might not be 12 inches but it smells like a foot.

[Assistant] r/SuicideByWords


[User] I can't see Def Leppard in concert because I'm allergic to gluten gleeten glouten globen.

[Assistant] Huh, did not know that was a Def Leopard thing.  I only ever knew it from Pretty Fly For A White Guy.  TIL

[Assistant] It's in the beginning of "Pyromania" by Def Leppard.

[Assistant] Rock of Ages is the song, Pyromania is the album.

[Assistant] this guy rocks out with his cock out


[User] I only trust people who like big butts, because they cannot lie.

[Assistant] Correlation is not causation.


[User] I hate that hotel bath towels are so thick and fluffy that I can barely even close my suitcase.

[Assistant] The trick is to bring an extra suitcase, one with plastic bags, so all the gross bath stuff doesn’t leak in them.

[Assistant] The real LPT is always in the comments.


[User] I can levitate birds but nobody cares

[Assistant] Oh so you operate government drones? Nobody cares  because birds aren't real.


[User] Taking a dog named "Shark" to the beach is a very bad idea...

[Assistant] That's actually funny.


[User] Everyone wonders why people like feet, I just can't stand living without them.

[Assistant] Walk yourself out.


[User] A klutz walks into a bar.

[Assistant] I'm so proud of you , OP .


[User] Falsetto ducks are high on quack

[Assistant] Finally an actual oneline funny joke


[User] So a dyslexic walks into a bra

[Assistant] Wasn't the breast decision

[Assistant] r/therealjoke


[User] So, An Irishman walks out of a bar

[Assistant] “walks”, lol

[Assistant] Underrated retort!


[User] A quick reminder that May 2 is procrastination awareness day.

[Assistant] Why are you telling me 363 days earlier, man? We are expelling you from the club. Or maybe later.


[User] Maybe there WAS an “I” in “team,” but the Pixar lamp got to him too.

[Assistant] 0/10. Not even an increase in exhale velocity from this one.


[User] After you die, the last part of your body to stop working are your pupils, because they dilate.

[Assistant] Eye see what you did there 🙄😆

[Assistant] Pretty cornea joke


[User] I eat pussy like I smoke cigarettes, all the way to the butt.

[Assistant] That shit'll kill you


[User] Did you know that a waffle on a California beach is called a Sandy Eggo.

[Assistant] I thought this was r/pickuplines and realized I am very easy to pick up with puns


[User] The owls favorite band is The Who.

[Assistant] Mongolian owls prefer the Hu

[Assistant] It’s true


[User] Did you know that when a male porcupine masturbates; he ends up with a tiny prick in his hand?

[Assistant] TIL I am a male porcupine


[User] turning off lights is delightful

[Assistant] But not a very bright idea…

[Assistant] A pretty dark joke…


[User] You gotta hand it to blind people…

[Assistant] The blind prostitute I was with told me; "your dick is as big as a horse's." I said, "you're pulling my leg."

[Assistant] okay i like that


[User] it's about thyme someone wrote a book about herbs!

[Assistant] I saw one at a used bookstore the other day. Mint condition.


[User] Just seen a guy dressed as Elvis in our local DIY shop, he returned a sander

[Assistant] Address unknown, no doubt.


[User] I hated working for Disney - such a mickey mouse outfit.

[Assistant] Goofy joke


[User] It takes guts to be an organ donor.

[Assistant] Depending on the circumstances…it also takes balls


[User] Any day can be your wedding day, if you just lower your standards enough.

[Assistant] That requires someone else lowering their standards enough too

[Assistant] Not if it’s an anime body pillow.


[User] my favourite word is vulva, it just rolls off the tongue

[Assistant] And yet the word "uvula" always gets stuck in my throat.


[User] My Welsh mate was counting all of the girlfriends he had, but he fell asleep

[Assistant] That's really baaaaa-d


[User] Rick Astley will let you borrow any DVD from his Disney Pixar collection, except one.

[Assistant] This took too much thinking

[Assistant] Well, you can always give up

[Assistant] Never give up. That would be such a let down.


[User] Johnny Depp could've used an Amber Alert.

[Assistant] (slow claps)


[User] Ladies. Mansplaining, is short for ‘Man Explaining.

[Assistant] I finally get it


[User] Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.

[Assistant] Employees of the mask store are obviously in on it


[User] I always preferred Marianne, but I changed my mind after reading about the benefits of eating Ginger.

[Assistant] Reddit is generally too young for this


[User] I dunno what this WiFi dude did but I’ve seen a ton of bars and restaurants demanding his freedom lately.

[Assistant] Took me a minute 😂


[User] I saw an ad for burial plots and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

[Assistant] Sure, but people are still dying to buy them.


[User] I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people will just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

[Assistant] They might say you "choked on a bear" and leave it at that also

[Assistant] Alright I've joined this sub. Look what you made me do.


[User] I've reached the age where if I sit on the floor I have to strategize getting up.

[Assistant] Do I feel this. In my joints.

[Assistant] at this point my knees are skeptical of everything I do


[User] Together, I can beat schizophrenia.

[Assistant] I think you mean Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly Multiple Personality Disorder)

[Assistant] Yup.  Too many folks think schizophrenia is "split personality."  Used to be (somewhat) considered that.  Nowadays, it's DID.  Even *that* is tremendously rare.


[User] You've got to hand it to blind prostitutes...

[Assistant] They don't see you coming

[Assistant] But they will keep an eye out for you.


[User] 78% of married men can't fall asleep after sex because they have to drive home.

[Assistant] r/AreTheStraightsOK


[User] I’d tell a chemistry joke, but I’m not sure what reaction I’d get.

[Assistant] I like to hear chemistry puns, periodically.

[Assistant] Chemistry puns make me feel like I’m in my element

[Assistant] This is so basic.


[User] There's one word I always pronounce "incorrectly".

[Assistant] Surely there's another you pronounce "wrong"...


[User] Every year, hundreds of kids are shipped off to mime school never to be heard from again.

[Assistant] &nbsp;


[User] Boiling water is a mist opportunity.

[Assistant] This makes my blood boil


[User] I might not be the sharpest knife in the light socket, but at least my elevator goes all the way to my tool shed.

[Assistant] Your IQ test results came back…they were negative…


[User] My kids don't believe that before video games, we had to buy a hedgehog, paint it blue, then give it cocaine.

[Assistant] When you move faster than the speed of light you live in darkness


[User] I am sorry and I apologise mean the same thing, except at a funeral

[Assistant] This is a demetri martin joke


[User] Rang the hairdressers about getting a Beach Boys haircut, booked me in with barber Ann.

[Assistant]
Two Beach Boys walk into a bar.

"Round"

"Round?"

"Get a round"

"I get a round?"

"Yeah, get a round"


[User] If a bra is an over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder, then a jock strap is an under-the-butt-nut-hut.

[Assistant] I prefer "around the hip nut grip".


[User] men only get circumcised because women will grab anything that's 20% off.

[Assistant] The joke was originally about jews. Because Jewish women won’t touch anything that isn’t half off.


[User] When life gave me lemons, I looked hard at myself, and all that I could see was just another lemon tree.

[Assistant] Did you wonder how, did you wonder why?


[User] Mountains aren’t just funny, they’re hill areas.

[Assistant] I enjoyed that more than I should have. Thanks!


[User] If Gatorade would have been invented at Florida State University it would have been called Seminole Fluid.

[Assistant] I thought it was pretty funny when I said Florida State Seminal Vesicles and nobody laughed.

[Assistant] How are ya now?


[User] Dark is spelled with a k and not c because you can’t see in the dark.

[Assistant] At some point this sub is either going to die or start copypasta-ing jimmy carr


[User] I had terrible internet connection on my farm until I moved the modem to the barn and now I have stable WiFi.

[Assistant] I see what you did there


[User] If you were king, what would be the one thing you would do to fix democracy?

[Assistant] Obviously I'd have to abdicate


[User] I bought some biker toilet paper, it's rough and tough and don't take shit off of nobody

[Assistant] Other versions of this joke are John Wayne Toilet paper and Chuck Norris toilet paper.


[User] Congratulations to Johnny Depp on beating Amber Heard

[Assistant] Ooooo this is a good one.


[User] Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

[Assistant] Unless you wanna see 50 geriatric dudes in swimsuits, stop right fucking there. Because that's exactly how these dumbasses in this upside down world will interpret it and we'll all have to see Ted Cruz in a 2 piece and heels.

[Assistant] Somehow, I still feel like this would be a better selection process...


[User] I once opened a bar for dudes with erectile dysfunction, but sadly it was a total flop & nobody came.

[Assistant] Maybe they thought it was elitist and only for impotent people.


[User] Economy is so bad that porn stars are actually delivering pizzas!

[Assistant] I was wondering why your mom delivered my pizza last night 🤔


[User] It’s probably not safe for me to be driving my car right now, but hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before!

[Assistant] that's alright; you'll stop; eventually.


[User] My girlfriend and I recently used a pullout bed but now she says she's pregnant.

[Assistant] Your pull-out game is weak?


[User] At one point there was a more extreme version of Dr. Strange, called Dr. Stranger, but nobody knows him.

[Assistant] Nobody wanted to talk to him either.


[User] If you have any Spanish speaking friends be sure to use the phrase “Mucho” it means a lot to them

[Assistant] Although since "mucho" is a word, not a phrase, don't try this with your grammar friends.


[User] My Dad stormed the beaches of Normandy on this day, unfortunately it was 1995 and the vacationers were not amused.

[Assistant] Didn’t you just steal this from family guy?


[User] how many objectophiliacs does it take to screw a lightbulb

[Assistant] Love "it"


[User] Fat people get offended easily because they prefer things to be sugar-coated

[Assistant] You shouldn’t make fun of fat people; they have enough on their plate as it is.

[Assistant] They can be the bigger person


[User] I’ve been off my OCD meds for 7 months, 12 days, 3 hours and 52 minutes

[Assistant]
Clearly a lie

You didn't include the seconds

[Assistant] Who the fuck sends a post when the timer is at a non-whole minute?


[User] Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight unless you’re ready for the reaper cushions.

[Assistant] This is the best post I've seen on here for a bit

[Assistant] Eh seems like a lot of fluff.


[User] Did you know that candle flame smells like burnt nose hair?

[Assistant] You're getting close, try again.


[User] A sperm bank is just like a regular bank except when you make a deposit you lose interest.

[Assistant] This is really good


[User] You might describe an inspired cow as mootivated.

[Assistant] I’ve never herd that before.


[User] My problem with religion is that my idea of heaven consists of everything I'd go to hell for.

[Assistant] That’s actually everyone’s problem with Christianity.

[Assistant] Oh, in actuality, my problems with christianity go way deeper, but that's a subject for another subreddit not focused on humor.


[User] I never knew you drank until I saw you sober last night.

[Assistant]
Reminds me of the best stoner advice.

If you show up to work stoned every day, they'll never know you're not sober.


[User] I didn't know what getting creampied meant until someone filled me in.

[Assistant] Creampie jokes, bj jokes, this sub is full of ooze and aahs.


[User] “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing, unless you’re at a funeral.

[Assistant] I tried to share this with my room and I had to explain the joke 🙃 fml I lol-ed too much

[Assistant] I'm sure your room enjoyed the joke, as far as rooms get jokes.


[User] The whole world is like Animal Farm, 1984, and Brave New World had a baby and then it was raised by Catch 22.

[Assistant]
"Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't after you."

EDIT: [Oh well.](https://quoteinvestigator.com/2016/07/09/paranoid/) Still relevant.


[User] AI programs can never identify as non-binary.

[Assistant] Quantum AI - about as non-binary as it gets.

[Assistant] Quantum AI’s are indeed very queer


[User] I just brought 2 fish and called them ONE and TWO so when 1 dies I still got 2 left!

[Assistant] This only works if you name one two too. Because if your two fish dies, then you're left with one...

[Assistant] Good point. That's why they are identical.


[User] Why is it that the Gays can get an entire month for "Celebrating" when Sharks only get one week?

[Assistant] I was gonna say cause us gays don't eat dudes but...

[Assistant] Or..eat dudes butt I guess...


[User] Microsoft ending Internet Explorer has really put me on Edge.

[Assistant] Who still uses IE or Edge? Is it Mr. Fox? He's so behind the times. I want you to follow these instructions carefully. Find, then fire Fox.


[User] Life was a lot more enjoyable before I knew what the term "ignorance is bliss" meant

[Assistant] Welcome to disillusionment


[User] Jokes about erectile dysfunction should never be used in standup comedy.

[Assistant] Sure they can be. Rise to the occasion.


[User] The newspapers can now print Johnny beat Amber Heard

[Assistant] Couple weeks late there, bud.


[User] 99% of politicians give the rest a bad name.

[Assistant] Love how just 1% is considered "the rest."


[User] Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds and they’ve left no tern unstoned.

[Assistant] I had to find out what a tern was lol but I've got a bird scientist friend who whill love this joke.


[User] I just realized I've never had an epiphany

[Assistant] Can probably buy one at Amazon, but they tend to over-charge for shipping . . .

[Assistant] How do I disable commenting...


[User] Walter White’s pizza is on the house.

[Assistant]
Ha!

Yeah it is.


[User] I’m on a whiskey diet, I’ve lost three days already.

[Assistant] ...and my driver's license.


[User] Gay guys are fucking assholes

[Assistant] Couple of dicks


[User] Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.

[Assistant] A mystery the future is


[User] I've actually found that it is surprisingly difficult to write a funny one liner if you've got a really large penis.

[Assistant] I'm not sure if this is funny or not. Schrodinger's cock.


[User] I don't know how to feel after being accused of being a bot

[Assistant] Don't worry a bot it


[User] On the one hand, I have great penmanship.

[Assistant] On the other, I don't.


[User] The opposite of gravity is comedy.

[Assistant] Gravity also means extreme seriousness, for those not getting it :)

[Assistant] Thank you. Now it makes sense. It's actually a pretty good one.


[User] Being a waiter may not be a very glamorous job but at least it puts food on the table.

[Assistant] I cleaned up as a dishwasher.


[User] Gandhi was into fast fashion.

[Assistant] I wish I understood this 👍

[Assistant] He fasted multiple times in protest


[User] A stranger is just a fuck-buddy you haven’t met yet.

[Assistant] Tragically, those were Ritchie Valens last words. "Fuck, Buddy."

[Assistant] Very impressive joke and happy Cake day!


[User] My Peter Pan jokes never get old.

[Assistant] Let us know Wendy do.

[Assistant] I know…Darling…🧚♀


[User] I'm taking steps to deal with my escalator phobia

[Assistant] This is great, but if you're looking to workshop, I would switch the order. "I have an escalator phobia, but I'm taking steps to deal with it."


[User] As a kid I thought a warehouse was a man who at full moon turned into a house.

[Assistant] When you played cricket, you must have been petrified of the umpire.

[Assistant] i punched him. little did i know that the umpire strikes back

[Assistant] You fucking legend


[User] No one was shocked when the defibrillator didn’t work

[Assistant] Alternatively, everyone was shocked when the defibrillator malfunctioned.


[User] Rapper "50 Cent" is changing his name to "85 Cent" to adjust for inflation.

[Assistant] If he came out as trans she'd have to change her name to 41 Cent.


[User] Before Sigourney Weaver, people had to weave their own sigournies by hand.

[Assistant] Are you my dad?


[User] Somebody in the United States has no clue that this is their last weekend with all ten fingers.

[Assistant] I totally believe this. My dad was an ER nurse and one year he had to go in early the day after Independence Day because someone thought it would be smart to launch a bottle rocket… from their mouth.


[User] Dropped a tub of margarine on my foot last month and it still hurts, I can't belive it's not better.

[Assistant] Perfect


[User] I still remember my favorite Beatles song like it was “Yesterday”.

[Assistant] I can't remember the lyrics to my favorite Beatles song, Help!


[User] You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose.

[Assistant] Unless they're having plastic surgery, and they need help deciding...


[User] It's crazy that it's July 5th and people are still setting off fireworks, one nearly set my Christmas tree on fire.

[Assistant] Eating a Halloween popcorn ball now


[User] the "F" in the word "Orphan" actually stands for family.

[Assistant] This is pure dark quality


[User] It's kind of disgraceful that even after 50 years many people have no idea who Neil Armstrong was, let alone what kind of trumpet he played.

[Assistant] His names Lance you big goof

[Assistant] What kind of lies are you trying to peddle?

[Assistant] I see what you did there. I approve.


[User] Undercover bee dies in sting operation

[Assistant] Proper fucking one-liner.


[User] Musk is backing out of buying Twitter but we all know with 9 kids, he never pulls out.

[Assistant] He got some love from Nick Cannon today.


[User] If Mr. Molotov offers you a cocktail, you should probably toss it.

[Assistant] This joke is lit


[User] I've failed to become a vampire so many times, I can't even Count

[Assistant] One... ha ha ha. Two... ha ha ha....


[User] A man walks into a bar and says “I need a lawyer”.

[Assistant] "please sir,  sit down and wait for the exam to be over first"


[User] If I buy enough of the right stock, I just might become a boullionaire.

[Assistant] Hehehe take my upvote


[User] I ordered some German food online, the sauerkraut has arrived but the wurst is yet to come.

[Assistant]
I'm totally prepared on the off chance that my luggage gets filled with German sausage.

The wurst case scenario.


[User] The future of juggling is up in the air.

[Assistant] Maybe you just don’t have the balls


[User] My doctor told me to go to my "Happy Place", when I am depressed and now, I'm BANNED from McDonald's playland!

[Assistant] There’s no crying in the ball pit


[User] You really gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.

[Assistant] She said "Oh my, that's a big one". I said "You're pulling my leg".


[User] With the rise of self driving vehicles, it’s only a matter of time until there’s a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him.

[Assistant]
Mah ‘lectric truck done left me.

She so purty, Ah kin almost fergive ‘er,

**‘Cept** she tuck mah dawg.

[Assistant]
Oh Vivian

My Rivian

Where’ve you gone


[User] I thought the wife was kidding when she told me to stop singing "I'm a believer" by the Monkees, but then I saw her face.

[Assistant] This was one of the better one liners, take my imaginary polar bear trophy!


[User] My wife keeps telling me that I’m the cheapest person she has ever met in her life but I’m just not buying it.

[Assistant] Sounds like a dangerfield joke


[User] I don't know what HD is but my doctor says I have 80 of them.

[Assistant] Damn, you didn’t wait long to steal and repost that

[Assistant] That's all this sub is. Stolen jokes.


[User] The phrase "I went back and left that right up front." shouldn't make any sense but we all still understand it.

[Assistant] I have no idea what that means.

[Assistant] You returned to the place you came from, and placed an item near the entrance of said place as per an earlier mention of said item


[User] I'm not saying I'm a bad cook, but how long is pasta supposed to stay in the toaster?

[Assistant] All I know is that if it's yolk free, you can't use an egg timer.


[User] For those of you with feelings of paranoia that you are being watched: I want you to know that you are not alone.

[Assistant] You absolute motherfucker.


[User] Why are they called "restrooms" if people are gonna judge me for sleeping on the floor?

[Assistant] Just because a furniture store has a few beds in it, doesn't mean you can sleep on them. Welcome to life, pal


[User] I'm working on my negative self-talk, but I suck at it cause I'm an idiot

[Assistant] Don’t give up, quitter.


[User] I was terribly disappointed when batteries weren't brought up even once at the AA meeting

[Assistant] The last few meetings I was at "battery" came up a lot.

[Assistant] r/therealjoke


[User] “I can’t stand lack toes” said the defeated man.

[Assistant] I lack toes in taller ants.


[User] Sublime cover bands practice Santeria

[Assistant] Indeed, it is likely they had a million dollars, but spent it all.


[User] i was arrested for drinking battery acid but I wasn't charged

[Assistant] Acquired a taste for brake fluid. But I can stop whenever I want.


[User] There is a vas deferens between getting a vasectomy and thinking about it.

[Assistant] Even if I lived in a "prostate", I'd still be thinking about getting one.


[User] If someone asks you who you would sleep with if it could be anyone living or dead; the correct answer is living.

[Assistant] that one guys dead wife

[Assistant] I will also take this guys dead wife.


[User] I told my niece that Top Gun is a prequel to Maverick and now she is freaking out with how good the CGI is.

[Assistant] I don’t understand the joke 🤔

[Assistant] I think it might be a joke about Tom Cruise never aging.. I guess?


[User] Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini, and the bartender replies "Olive or twist?"

[Assistant] Did you know that Charles Dickens used to brew his own cider. You can even home brew using his recipe. There's nothing I like better at the end of a long day than coming home to my wife and getting my Dickens cider.

[Assistant] Take your damn upvote.


[User] If you've eaten a hotdog, there's nothing you haven't tried.

[Assistant] Dog licker explaining the joke here, there is a common belief that hotdogs are mystery meat so when you eat one there could quite literally be anything and everything in there.

[Assistant] Thank you, dog licker

[Assistant]
*in unison*

DOG LICKER!

[Assistant]
"Dog liquor!"

(Sorry, am I late for the party?)


[User] If golfers yell "Fore!" before they swing as a warning, shouldn't they yell "Aft!" afterwards, to give the all clear?

[Assistant] Only if the hook is THAT bad.


[User] All my friends have a great bucket list but mine is a little pail in comparison.

[Assistant] Slop or spit ?


[User] My last girlfriend broke up with me because I didn't open the car door for her, I just swam for the surface.

[Assistant] Ted Kennedy moment

[Assistant] I think you meant to say that you girlfriend *left you* after you did not open the door for her...

[Assistant] Although she did experience a sinking feeling.


[User] Geology rocks but geography is where it’s at

[Assistant] ...and astronomy is up there...


[User] Black holes are mass murderers.

[Assistant] I love this 😂


[User] If you suck playing the trumpet, that's probably why.

[Assistant] You made me snort. Take my upvote. Peace.

[Assistant] Hearing a good one-liner is no excuse for doing a line of coke.


[User] Everyone remembers Karl Marx for his political doctrine but not so much his sister Onya, who invented the starting pistol.

[Assistant] Their brother Groucho was the funniest of the bunch, though.


[User] Every time I buy bread, it either goes to waste or it goes to waist.

[Assistant] It either feeds me, or the mold.


[User] Alex Jones legal defense fund must have been a hoax.

[Assistant] I heard all his lawyers were paid actors.


[User] I can't stand broken tripods

[Assistant] Got me... 🤦♂


[User] Complaining...it isn't what it used to be.

[Assistant] I was TEN TIMES the whippersnapper than these kids today...


[User] Putting an escalator outside a prison exit is condescending…

[Assistant] I think they'd be down with it.


[User] My potted cactus died so I'm officially less nurturing than the desert.

[Assistant] Well done, Dimitri Martin. Should I draw the flipchart pic or will you?


[User] when is the rapture again?

[Assistant] You missed it. It was just last week. It was great and everyone got free ice cream!

[Assistant]
I guess I didn't notice that 12 peop were missing.
Or is it 144k ?

[Assistant] 144K is so specific, Seventh Day Adventist perhaps?  I remember my parents spitting out this number when I was a kid.


[User] Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.

[Assistant] I'm pretty sure they have CPAP machines you can plug into the cigarette lighter, problem solved


[User] I identify as sarcastic and my pronouns are har/har

[Assistant] Take my upvote and git.


[User] WTF is an abbreviation

[Assistant] Stfu

[Assistant] gtfo

[Assistant] lmao

[Assistant] smh


[User] Children are hereditary, if your parents didn't have any, neither will you.

[Assistant] Yes.


[User] Dads are like boomerangs, I hope.

[Assistant] Solid. Maybe the best I’ve seen on this sub. Thank you 🙏


[User] Sometimes I wish my wife had a “Story Mode” difficulty setting, so I could just enjoy my time with her rather than facing battle after battle.

[Assistant] r/boomerhumour


[User] time flies like an arrow but fruit flies like a banana

[Assistant] Groucho Marx has entered the chat.


[User] They're changing the name of China' state media channel to "That's What Xi Said."

[Assistant] While Russia is “Just Putin it out there…”

[Assistant] And Iran, Iran so far away


[User] I just found out that the company that makes yardsticks won't be making them any longer.

[Assistant] Had me for a second. Lol


[User] What idiot named them horses and not zerocorns?

[Assistant] This is a pointless joke.

[Assistant] Totally uncorny

[Assistant] A castrated unicorn is a eunuchorn


[User] The word “diputseromneve” may look ridiculous, but backwards, it’s even more stupid.

[Assistant] [This image says otherwise...](https://i.imgur.com/9nVMRqa.jpeg)


[User] I think mimes are making a comeback but nobody's talking about it.

[Assistant] I have no words for this remark


[User] On entering our woodwork shop the customer asked how long my wife and I had been carpenter's, I said we've only just begun

[Assistant] I do not get this joke lol. I’m 26

[Assistant] Richard and Karen

[Assistant] That doesn’t help at all.


[User] I asked a blind girl out using Braille the other day, she left me on felt.

[Assistant] She told me I had a big one, I said you're pulling my leg.


[User] I watched a documentary on how ships are held together…it was riveting

[Assistant] Stewart Francis... absolute pun genius.


[User] I was gonna go on a cruise this summer, but that ship has sailed

[Assistant] Whatever floats your boat!


[User] People who make broad generalisations are always wrong

[Assistant]
There are two kinds of people.

1) Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

[Assistant]
There are 10 kinds of people in the world.

1. Those who understand binary.

2. Those who don’t.


[User] A good pun is it’s own reword.

[Assistant] Great oneliner BUT it's its, not it's.

[Assistant] Autocorrect always makes me say things I didn't Nintendo.


[User] When I was 20 I couldn't believe how dumb my parents were but when I turned 30 I was amazed at how much they'd learned.

[Assistant] I don't get it


[User] A good paradox is the worst

[Assistant] What's rare is expensive and a good deal on a car is rare therefore a cheap car is expensive


[User] A Priest, a Bishop, a Minister, and a Rabbit walk into a lab for a blood test… the rabbit looks up and says, “I’m definitely a Typo!”

[Assistant] Wow, I guess he can donate then. This is great news


[User] I am offended to be called Dogmatic, when I’ve always considered myself a cat person?

[Assistant] How cathartic.

[Assistant] Yeah. On second thought, I think the person calling me that, had his felines hurt


[User] It's been an odd morning, first I found a hat full of money, then I got chased by a guy with a guitar.

[Assistant] Didn't get the joke):

[Assistant] He stole a street perfomer’s tip collecting hat, unwittingly

[Assistant] My autism is high today


[User] Erections come and go

[Assistant] I looked at the sub, and still clicked on it expecting a punchline. Good one though mate, good one.


[User] my wife is threatening to divorce me due to my obsession with Sylvestor Stallone movies, we're going through a rocky patch

[Assistant] I feel you. My wife left me over my obsession with Arnold Schwarzenegger movies, but she'll be back.


[User] The detective closed his briefcase: "That was easy," he said.

[Assistant] Am I dumb, or am I dumb?

[Assistant] Case closed

[Assistant] oh. I'm dumb

[Assistant] Ya, and it was short.

[Assistant] Could also be a pun on briefcase -> "brief case"

[Assistant] Well, yes, that's the idea.


[User] I hate it when people try to appear intelligent by talking about Mozart when they’ve probably never even seen one of his paintings

[Assistant] MozART

[Assistant] I wondered who would be the first with this comment!


[User] As a new bride, I only want to make one thing in life hard for my husband.

[Assistant] OH! I know, I know!!! It's WHERE to eat out for dinner, RIGHT? I'm right, I'm right, aren't I? I mean, after 31 years of marriage, what else could it possibly be?


[User] Good luck explaining to aliens how we got Bill from William.

[Assistant] You get Dick from Richard by asking.

[Assistant] You don't always have to ask.


[User] Dead parakeet for sale, not going cheap.

[Assistant] This is an ex-parrot

[Assistant] Look my lad, I know a dead parrot when I see one and I'm looking at one right now.

[Assistant]
It's bleeding demised.

It's passed on.

This parrot is no more.

It has ceased to be.

It has expired and gone to see its maker.


[User] I never accept offers to go fishing because theres ALWAYS a catch.

[Assistant] Well I never go fishing because there's not always a catch


[User] The hardest thing to steal is scissors because you can't run away.

[Assistant]
Fuggin watch me.

>! Famous last words !<


[User] It's so hot, even the garlic took its cloves off!

[Assistant] I'm commenting to let you know that chive stolen this

[Assistant] It's cool. I won't make a big dill about it.


[User] I offer my kids $500 for every A on their report card which sends the message that education is a priority in our household and it costs me absolutely nothing since my kids aren't that bright.

[Assistant] Not really a one liner, my dude

[Assistant]
i mean yeah, but should you expect that much?

s


[User] Kids are fun, but I prefer playing with the package they came in.

[Assistant] I think you mean the package you came in

[Assistant] They don't have to be your kids ;-)


[User] bought a pair of shoes off a drug dealer, I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day

[Assistant] Was that Hedberg?


[User] One cannibal looked to the other and said I'm having a friend for dinner.

[Assistant]
The silence of the lambs

"I'm having an old friend for dinner"


[User] I have an inferiority complex,but its not a very good one

[Assistant] Perhaps you should try to be condescending. That's when you talk down to people.


[User] I once got stuck on an escalator

[Assistant] I hope you take steps to avoid this in future.

[Assistant] If I took the steps I usually take, I wouldn't be in this situation


[User] Say what you want about Improv.

[Assistant] Yes, and?


[User] A’s crazy, B is a psycho, C is mental and D’s nuts

[Assistant] Kindly step into the sea

[Assistant] Sea D’s nuts on your chin

[Assistant] Take my upvote and get the fuck out of here


[User] “I see,” said the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw.

[Assistant] "I see," said the blind man pissing into the wind, "it's all coming back to me"


[User] Warning: Do not study reverse psychology.

[Assistant] Imma go and study reverse psychology


[User] To the person who has glued devil horns onto my wig - there will be hell toupee!

[Assistant]
Do you have bills to pay?

Please give it back to Bill, his head is cold.


[User] Kids are great, but I prefer the package they came in.

[Assistant] You just prefer the package you came in.


[User] A kiss would make my day, but anal would make my hole weak.

[Assistant] A funny classic, but not very original...


[User] cocaine

[Assistant] No such thing as one line, lol

[Assistant] It’s always one line !!


[User] I think it’s a missed opportunity that Eaton Hall isn’t a cafeteria.

[Assistant] I've heard it's a mess.


[User] I was supposed to have a story about masturbation in a major publication but at the last minute, they yanked it.

[Assistant] Jerks


[User] Let’s be honest. Most people going skinny dipping are really just going dipping.

[Assistant] A friend of mine says that she's so fat, that she doesn't go skinny dipping, she goes chunky dunking.


[User] If you're in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it's unclear whether your night was lousy or remarkable.

[Assistant]
Imagine if they're drunk as well:

"my date stood me up so I got legless"


[User] I signed up for my company’s 401k but I don’t think I can run that far.

[Assistant] Am I that stupid I don't get it 🙈

[Assistant]
401k = common retirement plan

not 401k = a race which requires you to run 401 kilometers

[Assistant]
Thanks mate.
Please note I'm from aus and I don't think we have em here


[User] if you're looking for sympathy it's in the dictionary between shit and syphilis

[Assistant] "You're still a shit sandwich. You're just not a soggy one. From this moment, you are no longer turds. You have graduated to maggots!"


[User] God kind of dropped the ball last week when he failed to save the queen.

[Assistant] ...or maybe god DID save the Queen.

[Assistant] Saved the Queen from having to deal with Liz Truss?🤔


[User] Prince Andrew seems unusually interested in the iPhone 14

[Assistant] I don’t get it

[Assistant]
I think it’s a joke because Andrew is a widely alleged pedophile.  I think the implication is that the iPhone 14 is like a 14 year old to him?

That’s the best I’ve got.  I don’t really get it either.


[User] According to my Fitbit, I masturbated 4 miles last week.

[Assistant] With a 5 inch stroke, that means you put out 50,688 strokes.

[Assistant]
At 2 strokes per second, that’s 25,344 seconds, or around 422 minutes (7 hours and 2 minutes)

7 hours divided by 7 is an hour per day

Sounds (fairly) doable


[User] When I asked my date to meet me at the gym and she didn't show up, I knew we weren't going to work out.


[User] My body is a temple, my liver is a battlefield.

[Assistant] I once said to an ex that my body was a temple when she suggested we order fast food.. She looked at me (my belly) and said "yeah, it's obviously had an extension"


[User] Some good news, Dolly Parton just wrote "11 to 3" for the workmen doing construction on my house.

[Assistant] I'd flip this around so that "11 to 3" is at the end of the line. Packs a stronger punch.


[User] I used to be indecisive, now I'm not sure

[Assistant] Shouldn't it be decisive, not the other way around?

[Assistant] I think it works the way it is. He's saying he used to be, but the punchline is that he still actually is.

[Assistant] Come to think of it- it works either way lol


[User] Some people see the glass half full, some people see the glass half empty, while blind people hate this quote.

[Assistant] Hate to break to ya, but blind people won't be able to see this quote.


[User] I'm not superstitious, we Capricorns rarely are.

[Assistant] Your mercury is in retrograde, second star on the right, and straight on till morning!


[User] technically, Rocky mountain oysters are a sack lunch

[Assistant] That is so nuts!


[User] Bob Marley’s hat was dredful

[Assistant] We don't say these joke over hair


[User] Gaslighting isn't real, and if you think otherwise, you are crazy.

[Assistant] I know... you didn't really mean that.  You were only joking, right?


[User] I was actually surprised when the stationery store moved.

[Assistant] Ok, I laughed at this one and so did the husband!!


[User] I want to keep looking for my dream girl, but after 5 nightmares I'm getting a little discouraged.

[Assistant] Ahh, so you tried dating in your 50’s


[User] You don't see too many paraplegic stand up comedians.

[Assistant] It may be because i am blind


[User] People are always calling me slurs, which is an appropriate nickname for a guy who uses so many of them.

[Assistant] What up, slurs?


[User] There are Pop tarts but no Mom tarts because of the pastryarchy.

[Assistant] According to pop, mom is definitely a tart.


[User] I'd tell you a joke about trickle down economics but you probably wouldn't get it.

[Assistant]
So imagine this: all the money at the top trickles down because the rich invest..right?

Does that mean it cascades up?


[User] Mountains aren’t just funny, they are hill-areas

[Assistant]
Very few people can come up with good jokes about topography.

But you've mounted a valley-ain't effort.

[Assistant] I dislike the both of you now.


[User] Everyone talks about being Overwhelmed or Underwhelmed, the last time I was Whelmed, it was just, ok.

[Assistant] Never has my flabber been so gasted or my bam been so boozled


[User] I was incredibly surprised, when the stationary store moved 🧐

[Assistant] Is their stationery stationary? Or did they move it with them?


[User] "If I eat now, I won't be hungry later" seems more like a solution than a problem.

[Assistant] Posting a shower thought to r/oneliners seems more like a post that should be on r/showerthoughts


[User] ...and that concludes my Only Fans exhibition video, thank me all for coming.

[Assistant]
And that concludes today's Bukkake demonstration.

Thank you all for coming.


[User] I remember 9 months before I was born, I went to a party with Dad and left with Mom.

[Assistant] The sperm wars party 🎉


[User] I knew the psychic was no good when she accepted my check.

[Assistant] I knocked on the psychic’s door. She said, “Who’s there?”  So I left.


[User] TIL that 50% of Roger Federer's name is "er"

[Assistant] If you remove every E and R it's just: "ogfd"

[Assistant] oh god fucking dammit you're right


[User] I'm gonna open a convenience store called Se7en-11 where we only sell mystery boxes.

[Assistant] What's in the box

[Assistant] Don't get a head of yourself


[User] Give a man fish and you'll feed him for a day, teach a man how to fish and he'll flood the internet with pictures no one wants to see

[Assistant] Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day, teach a man to fish and he'll spend his days drunk in a rowboat.


[User] If someone reads braille while traveling in a car do they have a bumpy ride?

[Assistant] Probably, driving and reading at the same time is never good


[User] Mango, but where?

[Assistant] In the mango shake shop


[User] The rumor that the meningitis vaccine slightly increases penis size spread like wildfire and the disease was finally eradicated.

[Assistant] The disease of slightly increased penis size (spread by wildfire) was eradicated?


[User] My new neighbour is very loud, short tempered & violent, causing me great anxiety & fear...now i understand how Canadians feel.

[Assistant] Shut up.  You're just a hat.

[Assistant] Found the American 😅


[User] I still haven’t figured out how one cup of coffee generates 3 cups of urine

[Assistant] I feel like this belongs in r/showerthoughts


[User] I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

[Assistant] Can you count broski?


[User] I don't have my German fruit bread anymore, it was stollen

[Assistant] I kneaded this


[User] if marijuana was soup, it would be cannabisque

[Assistant] If it was a pop band from the 80s it'd be Fine Young Cannabis.


[User] police have confirmed that man who fell from the roof of a night club was not a bouncer.

[Assistant] Absolutely hilarious!


[User] Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

[Assistant] Condoms fly when they’re pissed off


[User] My turtle just died of a reptile dysfunction.

[Assistant] That’s a hard thing to deal with.


[User] Netflix rejected my pitch for “Dahm and Dahmer”

[Assistant] I know how you feel. They rejected my pitch for Dahm and Dahmer Too.

[Assistant] Fine work there, fine work.


[User] I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.

[Assistant] Maybe it needs a hearing aid


[User] As soon as I saw an ad in the newspaper for an INNUENDO competition, I entered my sister.

[Assistant]
This joke would have worked better if you didn't uppercase INNUENDO:

`I saw an ad for an innuendo competition so I entered my sister.`


[User] I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected.

[Assistant] A friend of mine told me how good his orthopaedic shoes were, but I think he built them up too much.


[User] We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.

[Assistant] The pizza man isn't gonna come blasting everyone and the dog, then start asking questions.


[User] Thought I heard music coming from my printer, turned out it was just the paper jamming

[Assistant] Wet pulp blues.


[User] I screamed that I had fallen into a river in Paris, and they looked at me like I was in Seine

[Assistant] They thought you had nothing left Toulouse.


[User] Rest in Peace boiled water. You will be mist.

[Assistant] what did it die dew to?


[User] Do trash men go thru proper training or do they just pick it up as they go along?

[Assistant] They do have training but it's rubbish.

[Assistant] I heard they dump everything on you at once


[User] They say it’s best to teach a man to fish, but the real challenge is teaching a fish to man.

[Assistant] And if you teach a military man *about* fish.. Marine biologist.


[User] Porn gave me unrealistic expectations about the perks of repairing printers for a living

[Assistant] All the poor gen z kids when they become step siblings will learn this pain well.


[User] Stood on my farm last winter I thought I could hear tubular bells, turned out it was just my cold field.

[Assistant] This is very very good.

[Assistant] Thanks


[User] I'm so poor, i can't even pay attention.

[Assistant]
A joke OLDER than the internet ON the internet?

TECHNOLOGY!!!!!!!


[User] I used to be narcissistic, but now I'm perfect

[Assistant] used to be a narcissist but I'm better now


[User] Somebody smashed my pumpkin, I shouldn’t have let my gourd down.

[Assistant] Today IS the greatest day I've ever known


[User] When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

[Assistant]
The other way to put this:

When I get naked, the only thing that gets turned on is the shower.


[User] watching an unboxing video made by a necrophiliac is never a good idea.

[Assistant] Necrophilia, that consent urge to crack open a cold one

[Assistant] Bit too late for consent


[User] The trouble with living alone, that it's always my turn to do the dishes.

[Assistant] It was always my turn to do everything when I was married too though

[Assistant] Haha!

[Assistant] Yes. Very amusing.


[User] I've struggled with timekeeping since I don't know when.

[Assistant] Can't focus on minute details


[User] If Chuck Norris is so good, then I challenge him to teleport behind me and slam my head into the keyb^,kjbdr vt jrvdy,mh, kldjhfg bvsenjtu

[Assistant] Chuck Norris has been dead for years, the grim reaper hasn’t had the courage to tell him.


[User] The first rule of Tourette's club is you don't talk about YOUR MOTHER'S A WHORE.

[Assistant] This joke sucks as much as having the disorder


[User] Should I tell the cops that a incompetent metalworker I know is a forger?

[Assistant] "a incompetent" lol


[User] Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes.

[Assistant] They’re just kidding…


[User] Never moon a werewolf

[Assistant] Bite you in the ass every time


[User] I had a g/f in college who was obsessed with counting numbers…. I wonder what she’s up to now

[Assistant] I heard her say “70” right before I fell asleep


[User] Heard classical music coming from my kitchen this morning, turned out it was just the Chopin board.

[Assistant] Cute, but better written than spoken (I narrate my life in my head)


[User] Boy was I disappointed when everyone else turned up wearing pants to bottomless brunch

[Assistant] Hakuna Mimosa!


[User] Why is no one ever the right amount of whelmed?

[Assistant] Young Justice was a great show


[User] Watermelons are 92% water which means they're only 8% melon.

[Assistant] This is just a fact where’s the joke?

[Assistant] It's less than 8% joke.


[User] scientists figured out how to cure premature ejaculation, but realized that releasing it now might be too early.

[Assistant] Come again?

[Assistant] I cunt


[User] When I was growing up people told me to "get it together" so I became a socialist.

[Assistant]
The joke

My head

I'm going to need a little help here.

[Assistant] Socialists literally get things together, rather than getting things individually, through seizure of the means of production from the owning class. It requires collaboration and coordination.


[User] My wife says I’m obsessed with alliteration, she says some seriously stupid shit sometimes.

[Assistant]
"She says some seriously silly stuff sometimes."

^ Family friendly version.

[Assistant] Family friendly and more alliterated.


[User] The waitress at Nandos always asks how my chicken is, but I think she knows it's dead.

[Assistant] I was told I could leave a chicken in the freezer overnight and it would be fine, but when I checked on it this morning it was dead.


[User] I'm going to start a vibrator repair service and call it Inspect Her Gadget.

[Assistant] To start, you'll need to create a buzz around town


[User] my penis was in the guinness book of world records, but then the librarian kicked me out.

[Assistant] Hahaha that’s really good


[User] You've gotta hand it to blind hookers

[Assistant] She said I had a big one, I said you're pulling my leg.


[User] I just saw a dumpster full of watches; what a waste of time.

[Assistant] I saw a belt made out of watches. Now that was a waist of time.


[User] I didn't know it was national awareness week.

[Assistant] Is it though?


[User] I used to live paycheck to paycheck, but thanks to modern technology I now live direct deposit to direct deposit!

[Assistant] That was a quick repost steal


[User] how many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb? One to hold it while the world revolves around them.

[Assistant] That’s two lines.


[User] When I was born, my parents paid the hospital bill and I left the tip.

[Assistant] When I was circumcised my parents paid the bill but I left the tip (good dad joke too!)

[Assistant] I like the way OP put it, because you don’t see it coming.

[Assistant] It kind of doesn't work though because hospitals don't always do circumcisions.


[User] I can no longer afford my anti-depressants, so now I just drink no more tears shampoo.

[Assistant] My friend loves to drink brake fluid, but he can stop at any time.


[User] Only squares dress up as SpongeBob for Halloween.

[Assistant] Real stars dress like Patrick.


[User] Meditation is not what you think

[Assistant] Ohm, resistance is futile.


[User] I’m not gaslighting you, you’re being insane.

[Assistant] i always tell myself, what if I'm not gaslighting myself and if I'm actually insane 🤔

[Assistant]
Don’t be crazy.
That’s crazy.
You’re crazy.


[User] The incontinental breakfast at my hotel made me shit uncontrollably.

[Assistant] That’s a crappy joke.


[User] Need a good one liner. the wife and I are dressing as ghosts and I need a good caption. hit me with your best shot

[Assistant] Me and my boo.

[Assistant] This is the correct answer, lmao


[User] I want to inflate my penis so I can have a hollow ween

[Assistant] Get out


[User] I tried hanging myself with a bungee chord. I kept almost dying.

[Assistant] -Steven Wright


[User] It’s fruitless to count all your Halloween candy.

[Assistant] boo

[Assistant] Aaa!


[User] I like my women like I like my coffee... with my dick in it.

[Assistant] For anyone that doesn't know- the real line is "...without some other guy's dick in it."

[Assistant] This is true because if coffee was at dick dipping temperature it would be too cold to be good coffee.

[Assistant]
'Dick Dipping Temperature'

The best way to find this sweet spot is to dip your dick in the substance.

[Assistant] Instructions unclear. Dick stuck in a half cooked shepherds pie. Please advise.


[User] I just found out that I have a Siamese cousin once removed.

[Assistant] I think they prefer to be called Thai


[User] I was thinking about the simplest way to shave my face when I discovered Occam's Razor.

[Assistant] Nice


[User] How much do you enjoy oral sex, on a scale from 1 to 69?

[Assistant] 68. You do me then I'll owe you one


[User] Do you think girls with diabetes have sugar daddies?

[Assistant] They'd better if they want to afford all that insulin


[User] My friend said he couldn’t afford to pay his water bill…so I sent him a “Get Well Soon” card

[Assistant] Lold Made me think of Mitch Hedberg


[User] When life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic

[Assistant] Men prefer melons over lemons. More than a mouthful…


[User] The dildo of consequences rarely arrives lubed

[Assistant] This is phantastic.  It needs a meme background… may I steal?

[Assistant] OP did so why shouldn't you too.


[User] Without nipples, tits would be pointless

[Assistant] Someone tell the writer of My Hero Academia!


[User] You know sex with a man is burdensome because every act ends with “-job”.

[Assistant] It’s worth it if you include the words day or night first.


[User] I've just set up a tinnitus help line, the phones have not stopped ringing..

[Assistant]
Tinnitus help line, please hold.

Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.


[User] Rainbows don't weigh much, they're actually pretty light

[Assistant] Did you hear about the guy who liked to dip his balls in glitter? Pretty nuts.


[User] The new Super Mario Bros movie will be a blockbuster

[Assistant] That's quite a jump


[User] There’s 2 types of people in this world, People who CAN read and people who CUNT

[Assistant] You mean write?

[Assistant] Spell would have better, I usually read this joke out

[Assistant] Or type


[User] I just got Microsoft for the first time….. But less about my penis

[Assistant]
My uncle told me this one.

Many many years ago, Bill Gates was in the shower, wondering what to call his company...

[Assistant] Your uncle showers with bill gates. Nice


[User] If someone says, “I’m into martial arts”, just say more like “Martian farts”

[Assistant] If someone says “ I’m into martial arts” ask what sheriffs they have painted recently


[User] Getting married saved me from becoming an alcoholic... now when I drink, I can quit any time she wants.

[Assistant] I don't get it, and I don't get how this is supposed to be a one-liner.


[User] Muffins spelled backwards is exactly what you do when you take them out of the oven.

[Assistant] ‘Poop time’ backwards is exactly what you do with it

[Assistant] Taco Pals backwards is Slapo Cat. Do with this information what you will.

[Assistant] Go Hang a Salami, I'm a Lasagna Hog spelled backwards is also Go Hang a Salami, I'm a Lasagna Hog. This is called a Palindrome

[Assistant] Lonely Tylenol also works


[User] My hairdresser says I don’t look good in a tightly permed white wig. Bit judgy.

[Assistant] I scrolled past and then got it and had to upvote and comment.  Good one!!


[User] When you flush a toilet, you KNOW shit’s about to go down.

[Assistant] Well, you sure hope so anyhow...


[User] Apparently getting off at the bus stop is illegal

[Assistant] On one hand-

[Assistant]
On the other hand -

It's pubic transportation


[User] I like math because I enjoy being mentally challenged

[Assistant]
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.

So strive to be the dumbest person in the room.

[Assistant]
dumb
/dəm/
Origin
Old English, of Germanic origin; related to Old Norse dumbr and Gothic dumbs ‘mute’


[User] I congratulated someone on FB on their Movember efforts and now she’s unfriended me

[Assistant] I bet she was bristling with rage when she saw your message.


[User] I always wondered why that window was so angry until I found out it was tempered glass.

[Assistant] That damn window has always been a pane in the glass.


[User] My rock band has a Slovakian sound technician and a Czech one too.

[Assistant] Oh that took me way too long

[Assistant] Explain it to me. I don't get it.

[Assistant] Often when checking microphones you say "check: one, two" (Czech one too)


[User] Archeologists will date any old thing

[Assistant] be careful getting into long term relationships- their careers always end in ruins.

[Assistant] To be fair, that's also where they started.


[User] Jokes about Brie Larson are cheesy.

[Assistant] People who joke about her need to be sent to emmental institution

[Assistant] It’s just not a gouda look


[User] If your boyfriend killed his ex girlfriend and wife and a bunch of other people, that sounds like a ‘You’ problem.

[Assistant] I’m too dumb.  I don’t get it.

[Assistant] Maybe a reference to the Netflix show “You”. I haven’t watched the show so I’m just guessing


[User] “The other night my wife told me that she wanted to make love in the backseat of the car and she wanted me to drive” Rodney Dangerfield

[Assistant] Read this in his voice. I've forgotten the sound of my own grandfather's voice, but I remember Rodney's. Even after not hearing it out loud in almost two decades


[User] I've got a child in Africa that I feed, clothe, educate and vaccinate for 75 cents a day which is nothing compared to how much it cost to send him there.

[Assistant] Anthony Jeselnik joke in Caligula.


[User] Those kits you can buy to make a silicone mold of your own penis are the perfect gag gift.

[Assistant] One kit and I was able to make 12 key chains. Holiday gifts are done!

[Assistant] You strung them end-to-end?  What was that, like 20 penises per necklace? 😁


[User] I was pissed when my neighbor gave me a golden shower.

[Assistant] It’s better to be pissed off than pissed on.


[User] If we had some eggs, we could have some ham and eggs, if we had some ham. -learned from my dad

[Assistant] I shit you not, I used to work with a guy whose last name was Haman. He raised chickens and brought in farm eggs to work occasionally. Haman eggs is what he called it.


[User] Have you heard the health benefits of eating dried grapes? It’s all about raisin awareness

[Assistant] That's not a one liner


[User] “Instant Karma Sutra” means if you don’t give orgasms, you don’t get orgasms.

[Assistant] Thinking face emoji


[User] Quit my job at the helium factory, I didn't like their tone

[Assistant] I quit the job at the helium factory because I don’t let anybody speak to me in that tone of voice.


[User] Every 60 seconds in africa, a minute passes.

[Assistant] When I was broke, I had no money


[User] Half the posts here aren't even jokes, and the others are just plain odd.

[Assistant] The odd ones are even?


[User] Like Helen Keller in an orgy, you have know idea who your fucking with.

[Assistant]
I don't want to be a grammar Nazi but come on.
r/ihadastroke

[Assistant] It's so bad I assumed it was intentional for some reason.

[Assistant] Well it does work for engagement


[User] LPT: Don't use abbreviations

[Assistant]
Local Property Tax?

Licensed Penetration Tester??

Livepeer Price Today???

WHAT DOES IT MEAN????


[User] A friend asked me how I liked my new couch and I said "Sofa so good"

[Assistant] I hate this sub.


[User] What’s a reverse exorcism? It’s when the devil ask the priest to stay away from the child

[Assistant] Stretching the definition of a one-liner...


[User] Jesus Christ was originally going to be named Gary until Mary stubbed her toe.

[Assistant] Ah, the old [orphaned etymology](https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/OrphanedEtymology) [WARNING: NSFT (not safe for time) TVTropes link! You have been warned!]

[Assistant] Dammit.


[User] I went from statist to libertarian in the five hours it took to get my license at the DMV

[Assistant] Yes, we have all this technology but Bureaucracy keeps getting worse..

[Assistant] To some extent,  but mainly it is due ti the Republikkkans who slash budgets of regulatory agencies (because "regulations are bad") every time they get an ounce of control. .


[User] Thank you to all the people who have reached out to me to say 'plethora', it means a lot.

[Assistant] Would you say I have a plethora of piñatas?


[User] My pet turkey asked me to make him a sandwich for lunch so I made him a sandwich for lunch

[Assistant] Happy Thanksgiving everyone!


[User] if you think about it, Adam was ribbed for his pleasure.

[Assistant] Personally I think Adam was robbed, but that's just me.


[User] My wife recently had a concussion and my son asked me "how's mom's head?", so I told him "not bad, but I've had better".

[Assistant] Take the upvote


[User] I finally changed my US home's electrical panel over to the European standard, but I honestly found the process to be completely revolting.

[Assistant] Quite shocking

[Assistant] I was all amped up for sure!

[Assistant] There’s too much resistance for me to do it

[Assistant] Feels good to be current, though!


[User] My dick is like a 1990’s video game cartridge, You have to blow it otherwise it won’t work.

[Assistant] ...and hasn't been used in over 20 years.


[User] My dick was in the Guinness book of world records, until the librarian told me to take it out.

[Assistant] You stole this… I don’t know where from, but you stole this. That being said, I don’t really give a shit 4/10 joke anyways.

[Assistant]
yep
from one of the latest vids circulating.
give me a sec
eta: here it is
https://www.reddit.com/r/ContagiousLaughter/comments/z5l8yq/his\_penis\_was\_in\_the\_record\_book/


[User] Male pornstars earn less than their female counterparts, which is a shame as they work really hard

[Assistant] So male porn stars get the shaft after all.

[Assistant] I hear that’s how the career starts for a lot of them…

[Assistant] Gay for pay


[User] Atheism is a non-prophet organization

[Assistant] Nice.


[User] If you suffer from Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia and you read this, got ya bitch!

[Assistant]
For anyone wondering, it means a fear of long words.

What an asshole name for a phobia.

[Assistant] Lisp has an s in it


[User] My uncle lost both his left leg and left arm in a freak accident, but the doctors said he'll be all right.

[Assistant] Uncle Buster?


[User] I for one, like Roman numerals.

[Assistant] Brilliant!


[User] Is a neck tattoo a valid proof of unemployment?

[Assistant] I find this offensive. My sister is a neck tattoo, and she's always finding new jobs.

[Assistant] Ah yes. Your sister. The neck tattoo.

[Assistant] Well fuck me for trying an absurdist bit of humor.

[Assistant] I chuckled 🤜🤛


[User] Did you hear they aren’t making 12 inch rulers any longer.

[Assistant] Ffs i was like wheres the punchline

[Assistant] The punch line starts back there buddy. If you want to punch me get to the back of the line.


[User] I was injured in a Peekaboo incident and am currently being admitted to the ICU.

[Assistant]
I got hurt playing peekaboo, now I'm in the ICU.

Brevity

[Assistant]
Advocates brevity

Points it out


[User] Why do we call them olives and not Greece's Pieces.

[Assistant]
Greece pieces are broken artifact you find in musea around the world.

Like these;

https://greekreporter.com/2022/04/21/ten-magnificent-greek-works-of-art-found-in-foreign-museums/


[User] I wouldn't stoop so low to call someone short to their face.

[Assistant] I tried to think of a clever comeback but came up short.


[User] Advent calendars…… their days are numbered

[Assistant] I got one from the Jehovah's Witnesses, the doors keep slamming shut.


[User] It’s better to be a warrior in a garden, than a Gardner in a war BUT your garden will look shit

[Assistant] Theres bodies everywhere, ruined my petunias


[User] There are three kinds of people, those who can count and those who can't.

[Assistant] There are 10 types of people. Those who understand binary and those who don’t.

[Assistant] Damnit. Beat me to it.


[User] “Kindly let me help you, or you’ll drown,” said the monkey, putting the fish safely up a tree.

[Assistant] Not a one-liner.


[User] I found out the hard way my toaster isn’t waterproof.

[Assistant] I was shocked to find my toaster isn't waterproof.


[User] Disney will be coming out with a new film about a Transgender Whale and it's going to be called "Maybe Dick"

[Assistant] Being hunted by Captain Abhadadick


[User] When my Pants recently caught on Fire, nobody believed me.

[Assistant] 😂 Thank you for my daily smile.


[User] Divorce is like algebra - you know your x, but not sure about y.

[Assistant] I've come to Z same conclusion


[User] you've heard of elf on a shelf, but haven't you people ever heard of closing the goddamn door

[Assistant] Is this a Panic! At the Disco reference? Could someone help me out? I’m a bit denser than most.

[Assistant]
Yes
It's much better to face these kinds of jokes, with a sense poise and rationality


[User] I put the sexy in dislexia

[Assistant] You've spelled dyslexia wrong.

[Assistant] The joke makes so much more sense when it’s spelled correctly


[User] Mickey filed for divorce when he found out that Minnie wasn’t just acting a bit strange, she was really fucking goofy.

[Assistant]
"No your honour, i didnt say she was being extremely silly, I SAID SHE WAS FUCKING GOOFY" - Mickey

"I'll fucken do it again" - Goofy


[User] If my last name was Pepper, you can bet your ass I'd have gone to medical school.

[Assistant] I have a friend whose last name is Dockter.  We always hoped he’d get a doctorate.  He married a doctor, but she decided not to take his name for some reason.

[Assistant]
Because she didn't want everyone singing that Robert Palmer song...

Doctor Dockter! Gimme the news!
I gotta bad case of loving you!


[User] if your uncle jack asked you to help him off a horse, would you help your uncle jack off a horse?

[Assistant] Capitalization matters


[User] Dildos make great gag gifts.

[Assistant] Also make good stocking stuffers.


[User] My life is a lot like soccer, because I don't score as often as I'd like and very few goals are achieved

[Assistant] You guys are achieving goals?


[User] Double entendres are all very well in their place, but not in my back yard.

[Assistant] A woman walks into a bar and orders a double entendre, so the bartender gives it to her.


[User] Release Liners Market Size, Trends and Forecast to 2030

[Assistant] r/lostredditors?


[User] The morgue is donating cadavers to anyone who is interested, sounds like a dead giveaway to me

[Assistant] Great, looking forward to cracking open a cold one.


[User] I’m not the biggest fan of masturbation jokes but occasionally I’ll bang one out

[Assistant] Sounds like you're a real "jerk".

[Assistant] This joke rubbed you the wrong way.


[User] People that use the word “vanilla” to describe something as boring or bland have obviously never tasted a spoonful of vanilla.

[Assistant] This is more like r/ShowerThoughts than oneliners


[User] I accidentally took viagra instead of my sleeping pill so I’ve been up all night

[Assistant] But at least it’s easier to sleep on your side.

[Assistant] And you wont roll out of bed.

[Assistant] Don't call it a kick stand...don't call it a kick stand...


[User] i can count all the way up to brazilian

[Assistant] I can only count to virgintillion (vigintillion)


[User] Story of my love life: I came, I saw, I came

[Assistant]
Veni vidi dormivi
I saw, I came, I fell asleep


[User] I have an "all or nothing" approach to exercise, and most days it's "nothing".

[Assistant] Maybe this joke could use another line...


[User] There was a big sale at the Lego store yesterday….people were lined up for blocks

[Assistant] I just hope no one steps all over this.


[User] "I would like to make one thing clear" said the novice glass blower

[Assistant] Sandy, more glass please


[User] If you trim your Christmas tree it will make your presents look bigger.

[Assistant] I'm a lumberjack, not a landscaper.


[User] “You are the bomb” is a compliment in the USA, and an argument in the Middle East’s

[Assistant] *Middle East


[User] My super power is imcompetence.

[Assistant] The fact that superpower was spelled as two words makes it even funnier


[User] My girlfriend has a habit of farting under the bed covers , she’s a terrible hotel cleaner

[Assistant] Let’s hope your girlfriend’s cleaning assignments are few and far a fart.

[Assistant] Few and fart between.


[User] It is reckless and illegal to give your true love any amount of wild birds for Christmas.

[Assistant] ...let's not even get started about the Lords a'Leaping.


[User] Mike Tyson’s nudist resort has clothed for the winter.

[Assistant] Athol.


[User] After years of work, my career in archaeology was in ruins.

[Assistant] Where'd you dig this one up?


[User] For a song called Piano Man, the guy with the harmonica won't shut the hell up.

[Assistant] Finally! Thank you!


[User] I wanted to be a gynecologist, but I failed the entrance exam.

[Assistant]
Probably better off. It's like being a pizza delivery guy, you can smell it but you can't eat it.

And sometimes there's yeast and cheese.

[Assistant] But less pineapple so that's a bonus.


[User] If this pot of oil lasts eight days, it will be a Christmas miracle.

[Assistant] Happy Hanukkah and Merry Christmas.


[User] I always find the last step in making jam to be jarring

[Assistant] That’s a sweet joke

[Assistant] Jam-packed punchline.


[User] “Shoot for the moon and you’ll end amongst the stars” is not a comforting saying for astronauts

[Assistant] "Houston, we have a problem."


[User] She was only a prostitute, but she had the nicest face I ever came across.

[Assistant] Yes, yes, we've all heard my mom is very pretty


[User] I threw a ball for my dog tonight which is a bit extravagant but he looks awesome in a tuxedo.

[Assistant] Have you held balls for any other animals?


[User] You can get your wife a tampon with tinsel attached for the Christmas period.

[Assistant] r/boomerhumor


[User] Call me Texas Power Grid because I'm totally going down on you.

[Assistant] I was gonna say ouch damn way to step on us when we're deadass cold but I can't because I'm too busy going through your post history upvoting your other posts.


[User] The dildo of consequences rarely arrives lubed.

[Assistant] I too laughed at this a couple of days ago.


[User] Literally nothing starts with an N and ends with a G

[Assistant] Literally nothing starts with an L


[User] I lost my mood ring today, I don’t know how I feel about it.

[Assistant] Probably the best line from 30 rock.

[Assistant] Just started season 5, had to share this amazing throwaway joke!


[User] New years resolution is to come up with a ton of new conspiracy theories since all mine are true now.

[Assistant] How about come up with some decent one-liners instead...


[User] 6:30 is hands down the best time of the day

[Assistant] Well, lots of younger people will not clock this pun...


[User] 10 times out of 9, you'll find me exaggerating about something.

[Assistant] Keep your day job


[User] Do Europeans smile or skilometer?

[Assistant] My favorite band is 22,86 Centimeter Nails


[User] What if there were no hypotheticals?

[Assistant] What if all answers were questions?


[User] Lost my job in pest control because I was too annoying.

[Assistant] Did it bug you?


[User] remember, if you don’t sin then Jesus died for nothing

[Assistant] The best!


[User] Luckily, I have a good chance of beating my gambling addiction.

[Assistant] Wanna bet?


[User] I'd like to try anal sex again, but my girlfriend is a little torn.

[Assistant] Rectum? Damn near killed 'em.


[User] I used to be addicted to soap... but I'm clean now.

[Assistant] I'm addicted to brake fluid. I can stop any time.


[User] oh, you're a fan of Jesus? Name 3 psalms.

[Assistant]
You win psalm
You lose psalm
And I got psalm


[User] The key to a pizza joke is in the delivery.

[Assistant] The cheesier it is, the better it is.

[Assistant] Saucy too.


[User] I hope my girlfriend is okay, she's barely touched the 184 birds I gave her over the 12 days of Christmas.

[Assistant] Those 12 Drummers, 22 Pipers, ans 30 Lords are probably keeping her VERY busy!


[User] The collective noun for a group of unimaginative people is a 'group'.

[Assistant] Congress.


[User] Do you really think I'd know how to gaslight?

[Assistant] Gaslighting isn't real, your "friends" made it up to turn you against me.


[User] I have no beef with vegetarians.

[Assistant] Why not? Too chicken?


[User] Sirens are my favorite rock singers

[Assistant] Once you hear them, you'll never listen to anything else again?


[User] I was going to get a brain replacement but I changed my mind

[Assistant] “I was about to back out of my brain replacement but I changed my mind”


[User] Happy 2022 for all of you who didn't stick to your "no time more traveling" resolutions.

[Assistant]
That was what it should be?

I made a “no more time traveling” resolution instead.

[Assistant] So did OP, but it happened in the wrong order.


[User] Any good New Year’s one-liners?

[Assistant] I haven't seen you all year!


[User] I remember 2022 as if it was only yesterday

[Assistant] I bet you've been waiting all year to say that one.


[User] I haven't had sex since last year

[Assistant] I haven't had sex since

[Assistant] Normandy


[User] Posting one-liners about New Year's Eve is so last year.

[Assistant] Actually, they are time-traveling jokes.

[Assistant] My life is a time-traveling joke irl.


[User] I got a word-a-month calendar for Christmas and now I'm trying to introduce "January" into my conversation without sounding too pretentious.

[Assistant] At least May will be cake.

[Assistant] The hard part is hitting the capital M.

[Assistant] May be.


[User] I knew my cavewoman girlfriend is leaving me the moment I saw the writing on the wall.

[Assistant] Left you for a homo sapien


[User] Apathy is a growing problem and nobody seems to care

[Assistant] Ignorance is just as big a problem, but nobody knows about it.

[Assistant] I resemble that remark


[User] I don’t know if I’m getting better at disguising farts in public or if I’m just going deaf

[Assistant]
Old guy goes in to see the doctor and says "Doc, you gotta help me. I can't control my flatulence. Luckily, it's silent, but it's still embarrassing. In fact, I'm doing it right now, sorry".

Doctor says: "First, let's get your hearing checked."


[User] People say I change the subject too much but I prefer green apples

[Assistant] Ooh look, a squirrel


[User] I don't know what HD is, but my doctor says I have 80 of them.

[Assistant]
80HD
(ADHD)
Almost put ADADhd

[Assistant] Thank you hahah


[User] My wife wanted to go on vacation but I wanted a staycation so we compromised and had an altercation.

[Assistant] Thanks - after a bad day for me - a smile.


[User] What do you call a limbless man on your front step? Matt.

[Assistant] Not to be pedantic but this is technically a two liner.

[Assistant] really? My matt only has liner on the bottom


[User] When my brother got a Star Wars tattoo on his cheek, you should’ve seen the Luke on his face!

[Assistant] At first I was not thinking about the right cheek

[Assistant]
Why do you have Yda tattooed on your arse?

*Spreads cheeks.*


[User] Despite the rising cost of living, it remains popular

[Assistant] GenZ: eh


[User] Did you know Jar Jar Binks has a brother who is a famous author named Jor Jor Well?

[Assistant]
"All gungans be equal, boss! But some gungans... theysa be more equal den others!"

"Yousa be sounding like the Thought Police, O'Brien!"


[User] How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?

[Assistant] I'm dying to find out


[User] If you watch Godzilla in reverse, it’s about a large reptilian beast that moonwalks to a ruined city, puts it back together, and moonwalks back into the ocean.

[Assistant] moon walking is different from walking backwards


[User] When reading out a URL, instead of saying "Double U, Double U, Double U. . ." save time by just saying "Sextuple U. . ."

[Assistant] And then they ask me what I said, and I have to explain it to them, and then this sextuples the amount of time it takes.


[User] My balloon elephant wouldn’t fit in the back seat of my car so I had to pop the trunk.

[Assistant] Damn, that must have been deflating


[User] Sensitive masochist gets off with a slap on the wrist.

[Assistant] This is freaking brilliant


[User] Everybody is coming early to the premature ejaculation support group.

[Assistant] They weren't sure how best to dress for the meeting.  In the end they just came in their pants.


[User] My wife says salads I make tend to be a bit on the dry side and that's something which definitely needs addressing.

[Assistant] Tell your wife that you like your salads like you like her: without any dressing.


[User] I've used my vibrator so much, my vag has tinnitus.

[Assistant] Is this even medically possible? Like permanent ghost vibrations in the coochie???


[User] To the person who stole my place in the queue, I’m after you now!

[Assistant] Every once in a while you get one that really cracks you up for no reason haha


[User] I’ve told you a million times, stop exaggerating

[Assistant] This is my favorite line to use on habitual over-exaggerators. 😆


[User] I got in trouble for bringing a goat to take your kid to work day.

[Assistant] My mother raised 15 kids, but that's the life of a goat farmers wife.


[User] No Spider-Man movie has ever explained how a 17-year-old boy is so good at sewing.

[Assistant] uuh, poor guy in NY, no mother, old aunt? He was probs sewin' his own clothes from age 11. I was. Bet he had all them scraps

[Assistant] Depressingly accurate


[User] It took me 8 straight hours to finish the task, and 1 gay.

[Assistant] Oh that’s a good one


[User] The opposite side of the earth from Helsinki is an island nation called Helfloaty.

[Assistant] *Heavenfloaty


[User] My recliner and me go way back.

[Assistant] Wouldn't it be, "my recliner and I...?"

[Assistant] No, obviously the correct thing to say is “me go way back” /j


[User] A guy had his whole left side cut off, but he's all right now.

[Assistant] There's nothing left?

[Assistant] That's right.


[User] When an eel bites your knee, in the middle of the sea, that’s a moray…

[Assistant] When the jaws open wide and there’s  more jaws inside, that’s a Moray


[User] All generalizations are false.

[Assistant] Only a Sith deals in absolutes.

[Assistant] I never deal in absolutes

[Assistant] Are you a Sith?

[Assistant] Absolutely not.


[User] Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

[Assistant] Weren’t they also called to investigate a kidnapping?


[User] The police did not understand the Italian man they arrested, as he was handcuffed.

[Assistant] Gabagool


[User] Some laughs needed so let’s see what y’all have! Keep it going with one liner rhymes: “what’s the deal, happy meal?” “What’s the haps, bacon wraps?” “Pass the lighter, street fighter”

[Assistant]
This is going to date me, but it's too good not to bring back.

Smooth move, Ex-Lax

[Assistant] Smooth move, Ferguson.


[User] There were a bunch of flyers on the ground in my neighborhood that said ‘Lost staple gun’.

[Assistant] I love this.


[User] It seems like the "How To Use A Fire Extinguisher" video on Youtube shouldn't have a 30 second ad before it.

[Assistant] Timely lifesaving instruction is available to premium users only

[Assistant] Survival of the fittest still applies, but now it’s survival of the riches.


[User] Due to recent inflation, Dollar Tree has changed its name to Tree Fiddy

[Assistant] Legit though, my dollar tree is now $1.25 per item

[Assistant] It was inevitable that inflation would catch up with them.


[User] I just found out that my kitchen floor is made of marble. All this time I've been taking it for granite.

[Assistant] r/twoliners


[User] A thief fell into wet cement, so he became a hardened criminal.

[Assistant]
atleast theres now concrete evidence

ill show myself out


[User] It’s only when a mosquito lands on your testicles you realise that violence is not always the answer.

[Assistant] *pinches mosquito violently*

[Assistant] Pinch and twist, pinch and twist…


[User] For my New Year’s resolution, I gave up smoking for good, now I only smoke for evil

[Assistant] I don't drink alcohol for religious reasons, I drink it for entirely different reasons.


[User] I like the new sound Reddit makes when upvoting a post.

[Assistant] Nice try lol


[User] When people ask me "What's up?", I always respond, "A directional vector, why do you ask?"

[Assistant] What's the vector, Victor?

[Assistant] You have clearance Clarence


[User] Salt jokes are sodium funny

[Assistant] Na...


[User] In a democracy it's your vote that counts, while in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

[Assistant] Someone's being playing Civ


[User] If you stretched a persons intestines from end to end, you’d go to prison.

[Assistant] I don’t feel well. I’m having bad allergies today. This is the only time i laughed out loud today Ty!


[User] A short fortune teller escaped from prison, so now there's a small medium at large.

[Assistant] I heard that guy who escaped prison was actually seen going down into the sewers. I thought that was a little con descending.


[User] Can you still get a prostate exam if you’re libertarian?

[Assistant] Now which one of you non doctors want to give me a prostate exam?

[Assistant] I always ask for two fingers and “deeper”. True story. My GP thinks I’m hilarious and unnerving.

[Assistant] wait til you realize he's got both hands on your shoulders already.


[User] I made a questionable joke at an alopecia convention, fortunately it didn't raise any eyebrows.

[Assistant] Keep my eyebrows out of your f@#*ing mouth!


[User] Someone glued my deck of cards together, and I don't know how to deal with it.

[Assistant] Cut it 51 times


[User] What if after you die, God asks you: “So how was heaven?”

[Assistant] Needs a serious overhaul. Like the show “The Good Place”

[Assistant] Love that show!

[Assistant] Same!


[User] I wonder how much a zebra would cost if you scanned it.

[Assistant] Wrong sub - that zebra's gonna be more than one line


[User] Chuck Norris never lost his virginity, because Chuck Norris never loses!

[Assistant] Chuck Norris was born to his aunt, cause nobody fucks Chuck Norris’ mom.


[User] A will is a dead giveaway.

[Assistant] this comment section is too


[User] I saw a ladder with no rungs...honest, I didn't make it up.

[Assistant] I had my step ladder stolen. Thankfully it wasn't my real ladder.


[User] I stand behind Alec Baldwin.

[Assistant] Haven't seen him in awhile. I hope he misses me.


[User] Wearing a condom is fucking smart.

[Assistant] Nah, condoms are for fucking pussies.

[Assistant] And assholes

[Assistant] *da dum dsssh*


[User] Shout out to my grandma, since that’s the only way she can hear you.

[Assistant] Shout out to people who don't k ow what the opposite of in is.


[User] I lent my friend $10,000 to pay for plastic surgery but I can't get my money back because I don't know what he looks like.

[Assistant] Next time you see his face….


[User] Adam & Eve were likely the first ones to ignore the Apple terms & conditions.

[Assistant] I don’t know about you, but if a naked lady asks me to eat something I just do it.

[Assistant] That's why you keep waking up in a hotel bathtub missing another kidney

[Assistant] Now that you mention it, these may be related!


[User] It is pointless to use fractions instead of decimals.

[Assistant] It might be pointless but you have to draw the line somewhere.


[User] A baseball has a pH greater than 7.

[Assistant]
Eleanor from the Good Place would say OP has a pH greater than 7.

It's a human insult, it is devastating.  OP is devastated right now.

[Assistant] Forking fork


[User] Last night I slept seven hours straight, and one hour gay

[Assistant] Straight up gay.


[User] I know it's a long shot but does anyone know what a trebuchet is?

[Assistant] Google punkin chunkin. Fun times in Delaware. You'll see plenty of them. Better yet go there and see them.

[Assistant] I've heard pumpkins make quite the woosh as they fly.

[Assistant] This is a straight-up misconception. They make quite the woosh as they *sit perfectly still.*


[User] You know your kids are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.

[Assistant] r/showerthoughts


[User] I put ketchup on the shopping list and now I can’t read any of it.

[Assistant] That mustard been difficult to deal with.

[Assistant] I can’t imagine how you mayo-naged that one.


[User] Shout out to all the people who are hard of hearing.

[Assistant] what?

[Assistant] SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PEOPLE WHO ARE HARD OF HEARING.

[Assistant] WHAT?!?

[Assistant] #SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PEOPLE WHO ARE HARD OF HEARING.

[Assistant] YOU DON'T HAVE TO SHOUT!!!


[User] When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

[Assistant] I thought it had 8.


[User] Just recently joined a fisting club. Not something I'm particularly into, I'm just trying to widen the circle of my friends.

[Assistant] r/twoliners


[User] Geology rocks, but geography is where it is at.

[Assistant] Excellent.


[User] A backward poet writes inverse.

[Assistant] Inverse writes poet backward a.


[User] Two girls in a small Dutch village are riding their bikes home from school. One girl says, “I’ve never come this way before.” The other says, “It’s the cobblestones.”

[Assistant] I die a bit inside every time i see a period in the middle of a "one liner"

[Assistant] I thought you were making a joke because a part of you dies when you have a period 💀


[User] I failed my Air Force entrance exam, apparently the bomb bay doors are not an Indian tribute band.

[Assistant] Is this an original?  Whatever the case, I like it, very clever.


[User] Gonorrhea would’ve been a great name for diarrhea medication

[Assistant] unfortunately it's a whole another brand of disease itself 😭


[User] I always carry a laser pointer when I'm at the zoo in case I fall in the tiger exhibit.

[Assistant]
They should equip kindergarten classes with them when they do field trips to the zoo.

Imagine the chaos that could be caused at a zoo by 50 kids with laser pointers! :)


[User] My girlfriend asked me to do her hair like a Rastafarian. I'm dreading it...

[Assistant] Fro sure!


[User] I know my puns are a good influence at work just by seeing how much my colleagues have groan since I've joined

[Assistant] ?? I don't get it

[Assistant] Grown/groan

[Assistant] *groan*

[Assistant] That's the spirit!


[User] Everyone who has sex with me is fucking awesome.

[Assistant] I wish your name was u/awesome.

[Assistant] Me too!


[User] Before you judge somebody who doesn’t use the metric system, you should walk 1.609344 kilometers in their shoes.

[Assistant] Then you will be 1.6 km away and you will have their shoes.


[User] Fortune tellers are easy to buy clothes for, because they’re all mediums.

[Assistant] But they're often scam artists on the run.  So they're at large.

[Assistant] Being a midget would make them a small medium at large.