[User] Subreddit Of The Month [September 2018]: /r/heck/. Know of a small (under 20,000 subscribers) humor-based subreddit that deserves a month in the spotlight? Link it inside!

[Assistant]
r/memritvmemes

Out-of-context pictures and memes of middle-eastern TV.


[User]
Facebook said my Burt Reynolds Cosmo picture violated community Standards. I fixed it.
&#x200B;

https://i.redd.it/33pxgd46xok11.png

[Assistant] Get zucked


[User] Subreddit Of The Month [October 2018]: /r/accidentallyliberian/. Know of a small (under 20,000 subscribers) humor-based subreddit that deserves a month in the spotlight? Link it inside!

[Assistant] Anyone else misread this as /r/AccidentallyLibrarian ?

[Assistant] Close, I read it as /r/AccidentallyLibertarian .

[Assistant] r/AccidentallyLithuanian

[Assistant] I am sorry for the confusing sub name


[User]
8bit advacado
8bit avocado https://imgur.com/gallery/euVWMxW

[Assistant] Comes with a side of IBM System/360s. Only for the compnerds.


[User]
I don't get the big deal about measuring systems. Metric or imperial. Both are good
Anyway, I got a new garage, 12 wildebeest skulls high and  70 goldfish long.

[Assistant] Geeze you give some people a furlong, they take a parsec


[User]
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.

[Assistant] I expected a racist joke. You got me there.


[User]
Anyone else notice a lot of snack branding also work as names for gay night clubs?
Twinkies, Snowballs, Funny Bones, Nutty Buddies...

[Assistant] Little Debbie...ooh wrong answer.


[User] Subreddit Of The Month [November 2018]: /r/EggsInStrangePlaces/. Know of a small (under 20,000 subscribers) humor-based subreddit that deserves a month in the spotlight? Link it inside!

[Assistant]
r/darkmodememes

A meme subreddit devoted to encourage the user to switch to dark mode through, what we call a double image trick. It's uniqueness being the image being differently for a light mode user as opposed to a dark mode user

[Assistant] It has like... less than 10 posts...

[Assistant] We just started like a few days ago


[User]
Only in FL
Recently my boy and I were at Walmart. He often says "Hi!" to strangers. The last visit he said "Hi" to an old man in a motorized cart. The old man replied "Yes I am!" and drove off.

[Assistant] Well, that's both funny and disturbing.  Hopefully your son didn't catch on.

[Assistant] Thankfully not, (he's four) but he was very confused as to why I was laughing so hard.


[User]
The samurai we need
&#x200B;

[ The samurai we need ](https://reddit.com/link/9usie6/video/d15c5wx51sw11/player)

[Assistant] Expected an atom

[Assistant] Fixed: https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/9uqzbr/the_best_samurai/?utm_source=reddit-android

[Assistant] 2meta4me


[User]
Screw you NNN guys...
I have officially changed it to NUT NIGHTLY NOVEMBER.

[Assistant] I’ll join


[User]
This poem is entitled "Microwave Frustration"
Bowl is hot

Food is not

[Assistant]
Middle is frozen

Outer is molten.

Disappointment and disaster

I should have just had pasta


[User]
Flat Earthers
Why don't we all fund a mission to send a group of flat Earthers to space to see if its flat or not but then dont bring them back and let them float in space for a while?

[Assistant] I think we should get all the flat earthers in a cruise ship and sail them off the edge of the earth.


[User]
My girlfriend borrowed $2000 from me a year back, today she returned $2000 and broke up with me,
I lost interest in this relationship

[Assistant]
You guys both lost interest. Heh, get it?
.....
I’m sorry brotha..


[User]
Every _____ is a ______ if you're ______ enough
Everything is a UFO if you're dumb enough

Every stairway is a stairway to heaven if you're clumsy enough

Every restaurant is a drive-through if you drive fast enough

More?

[Assistant] Everything is an upvote if you're positive enough


[User]
Am I just terrible?
Im at my wife's work Christmas party with my 5 week old and everyone keeps telling me how cute my baby is and every time they do it gets harder not to say "thanks I made her with my penis!"

[Assistant] Yeah, that’s weird.


[User]
Happiness comes from the simple things
[ Removed by reddit in response to a copyright notice. ]

[Assistant] The Office party?

[Assistant] By the look of the outburst reaction I’d say this is England scoring a goal in World Cup.

[Assistant] I think hes referencing the scene from The Office, where they're all sitting in the conference room doing this exact thing.

[Assistant] And one time Pam saw it, too. At least, she believes she did.

[Assistant] Who said I didn’t see it? Did Jim say I didn’t see it? I saw it!

[Assistant] Ok let’s end on a high note

[Assistant]
Like this

https://youtu.be/rMd7xQf3fTk

[Assistant] You made my day


[User] Subreddit Of The Month [December 2018]: /r/awkwardfamilyphotos/. Know of a small (under 20,000 subscribers) humor-based subreddit that deserves a month in the spotlight? Link it inside!

[Assistant] Wow, I've discovered a part of reddit which I cannot unsee.

[Assistant]
/r/blunderyears

Enjoy


[User]
My dog is going vegan
So I decided to put my dog on a vegan only diet. I’ve had people say that, “ Dogs are carnivores, so they need meat.” That’s why I’m feeding him only vegans.

[Assistant] You sick fuck, your dog gonna catch diseases eating nasty vegans like that


[User]
Pound sign not "hashtag"
Growing up the # symbol was called 3 things

\-Pound

\-Number sign

\-tic tac toe board

&#x200B;

so #metoo to me has always been "pound me too" to me. Which I really like.

[Assistant] "Fun" fact - The name of that symbol is actually "Octothorpe"


[User]
Meanwhile in Texas
Meanwhile in Texas, a local barber in my town was just arrested for drug possession....this surprised me because I've been his customer for years and I never knew he was a barber......

[Assistant] His time was up. He had too many close shaves with the cops.


[User]
What did the gold prospector say when he saw bits of silver in his pan?
weird flecks, but okay.

[Assistant] Ha fuck you


[User]
I was very naive sexually.
My first girlfriend asked me to do missionary.

So I buggered off to Africa for six months.

[Assistant] Did you bless the rains?

[Assistant] Didn’t get that far, I stopped an old man along the way and he just wouldn’t stop talking!


[User]
A vegan got offended by my shirt.
&#x200B;

[I love Vegans. They are Delicious. Funny T-Rex T-Shirt](https://i.redd.it/y1swldn19o521.png)

[Assistant] You should be ashamed...that purchasing information isn't included somewhere in this thread.

[Assistant] Friend got it for me on Amazon. https://www.amazon.com/Funny-T-Rex-Dinosaur-Vegans-T-Shirt/dp/B07J1ZXFL5/


[User]
Best thing I heard today while I was shopping
Dad:  "Do you have to go to the bathroom?"

3-4 Year old Boy: "No."

Dad: "Then stop touching your penis."

[Assistant] Good luck with that. I have two 11 yo boys and they love a good game of pocket pool.


[User]
How do you spot a blind guy at a nude beach?
It's not hard

[Assistant] Don't listen to that guys shit, it's a good joke


[User]
Decided to test reddit and see how weird it can go. Wasn't dissapointed. (r/avocado)
&#x200B;

https://i.redd.it/nju2b2g790721.png

[Assistant] If you find that weird, you might wanna jump off the bus now, you won't like where things can go.


[User]
I see today is a waste of fucking time here.
The fucking 13 year olds have taken over.

[Assistant] Yeah. It’s filled with that dumbfuck bullshit meme.

[Assistant] Im glad im not the only one infuriated with that shit. Its like every other fucking post.


[User]
I buy my guns from a guy called T-Rex
He's a small arms dealer

[Assistant] /r/jokes would appreciate...

[Assistant] r/dadjokes would be even better


[User] Subreddit Of The Month [January 2019]: /r/RogerRabbitEffect. Know of a small (under 20,000 subscribers) humor-based subreddit that deserves a month in the spotlight? Link it inside!


[User]
Told my SO I have 7 karma points on Reddit. She asked me can that pay our mortgage?
It made me laugh and I thought I’d share.

[Assistant] Now you have 8


[User]
They must have hired my grandfather in their marketing department
[ Removed by reddit in response to a copyright notice. ]

[Assistant] Beer _with_ liquor, thats a kicker

[Assistant] Licker? I hardly even knower!


[User]
MY NEIGHBOUR KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AT 3AM THIS MORNING!!
Lucky for him I was still up playing the drums.

[Assistant] Ba dum tsss.


[User]
Amazon and Bikes
9:00 am I realize that my bike was stolen from the street.
11:30 am Amazon sends me an email with discounts on bikes.

You don't have to be a data scientist to understand what happened. Please return my bike, Amazon.

[Assistant] Dont happen to have an echo in your house do you?


[User]
it could be a condom ad...
&#x200B;

https://reddit.com/link/aimohv/video/lb04dlyl4zb21/player

[Assistant] He handled it unbelievably well though. You don't see that often today at all


[User]
Just overheard my kiddo pronouncing prematurely - pretty-much-early.
She's not wrong. 😂

[Assistant] That's awesome, kid remixes of words are great. It is one if the few times the sequel is better haha.


[User]
One day Canadians are going to take over the world.
Then they'll all be sorry.

[Assistant] I'm ok with this.


[User]
Enjoyment
I've been lurking on Reddit for so long and never had posted.  I love this shit,  it gets me through the day.  Thank you everyone for who they are and what they know.

[Assistant] No problem brother

[Assistant] I look forward to my last couple mins of wind down time at work just to browse Reddit and it never fails.  Seems like a lot of people are together here and it make me feel better.


[User] Subreddit Of The Month [February 2019]: /r/SneakySneke. Know of a small (under 20,000 subscribers) humor-based subreddit that deserves a month in the spotlight? Link it inside!

[Assistant] How is there only 2 comments on a pinned post in the biggest sub of reddit

[Assistant] Nobody clicks pinned post, no one


[User]
Ask me a random question, I'll answer, then you re edit your question to make me look crazy.
This should be fun.

[Assistant] what is the square root of 42?

[Assistant] Maybe 15-20 bananas, depending how wide it stretches.


[User]
I know my ex still uses my Netflix account. Changing the password would be boring...
Instead, I added a new user with a girl's name.

[Assistant] After a couple weeks, delete that new one and add another...

[Assistant] Same name as her mom...

[Assistant] or best friend

[Assistant] Calm down satan


[User]
What’s the difference between necrophilia and a choking fetish?
About 3 minutes

[Assistant] Heartbeat


[User] Subreddit Of The Month [March 2019]: /r/moai. Know of a small (under 20,000 subscribers) humor-based subreddit that deserves a month in the spotlight? Link it inside!

[Assistant] r/notfunny just like r/funny

[Assistant] r/comedycemetery


[User]
finally some good ASMR
[ Removed by reddit in response to a copyright notice. ]

[Assistant] That last "bruph" really sealed the deal at the end.

[Assistant] I’ve never laughed so hard out loud.

[Assistant] Yeah I'm at the office right now lmao

[Assistant] im holding back tears in my office lol

[Assistant] Damn I'm glad I'm not the only one. I thinks it's the dogs face that makes it all.

[Assistant] He's just like: "I dunno what all the fuss is about but you got anymore of dem treats?"


[User]
4 billion people think this isn't funny
&#x200B;

https://i.redd.it/4uveop0locm21.jpg

[Assistant] Lol that’s funny


[User]
Duck herding
[ Removed by reddit in response to a copyright notice. ]

[Assistant] Needs a GoPro on the R/C unit for better footage

[Assistant] Haha, I second that

[Assistant] Whew, that was close. I move to adjourn this thread.

[Assistant] A motion to adjourn has been made. All in favor, say “ay”.

[Assistant] Ayyyyyyyylmao

[Assistant] Motion to adjourn is approved. Let the record show meeting has been adjourned at 1:31PST.


[User]
You can’t breathe while you are smiling!
JK just wanted to make you smile! (:

[Assistant] Wholesome as hell... thank you


[User]
You dense motherfucker
&#x200B;

https://i.redd.it/dwi01jvahuo21.png

[Assistant] That's ducking funny.


[User]
Overheard a compliment on the beach today.
I am a regular each morning for sunrise. Today I overheard a young lady describe me to another as "that old guy with the hair", NOT "that fat old guy with the hair." Walking on sunshine.

[Assistant] 2019's gonna be your year.


[User]
Honey, I am pregnant!
My April first joke failed miserably.

I told my husband:

\- Dear, we are going to have another child

he looked very surprised and said:

\- Did you notify the father? (while handing me his 'fake' vasectomy paperwork)

[Assistant]
So then I replied:

\- Yes, it's your dad


[User] Subreddit Of The Month [April 2019]: /r/OnionHate. Know of a small (under 20,000 subscribers) humor-based subreddit that deserves a month in the spotlight? Link it inside!

[Assistant] r/onionhate

[Assistant]
r/onionlovers!

much more wholesome, much more onion!


[User]
Tell Schrödinger I survived
&#x200B;

https://i.redd.it/cwn49z8lh9t21.png

[Assistant] For real tho, Schrödinger was an asshole


[User]
I dated a teacher in high school.
Yeah, it didn't make me cooler... and a lot of you are like "well that's because you were home schooled."

[Assistant] #SWEEEEEEET HOOOOME AAAALABAMA


[User] Subreddit Of The Month [May 2019]: /r/CroppedNorrisJokes. Know of a small (under 20,000 subscribers) humor-based subreddit that deserves a month in the spotlight? Link it inside!


[User]
One year ago today I was depressed, lost and alone.
I'm still that way, but at least I have reddit now

[Assistant] HAPPY CAKE DAY YOU DEPRESSED FUCK


[User]
I'm a Chick Magnet
I claimed to be a chick magnet in front of my son. He explained, "Magnets have two poles and you aren't the attractive one."

[Assistant] This is actually funny. I’m surprised honestly.


[User]
We're Whalers on the Moon!
&#x200B;

https://i.redd.it/kbrbm1vvdvy21.jpg

[Assistant] I was bout to comment the lyrics but didn’t see the image


[User]
I teach English to Chinese students. These are one of my student's answers to the names of the shapes. Be prepared, I expect conventional shape names to be replaced soon.
&#x200B;

https://i.redd.it/8v6omtzbjyy21.jpg

[Assistant] Lol, they are amazing


[User]
Benefits of pregnant wife
When I want to make cheese breadsticks at 10pm. My 7 month prego wife does not argue but suggests make two boxes so she can have some.

[Assistant] Just had a baby last Thursday, can confirm this to be true.


[User] Subreddit Of The Month [June 2019]: /r/the_darnold. Know of a small (under 20,000 subscribers) humor-based subreddit that deserves a month in the spotlight? Link it inside!

[Assistant] We have the best subreddit. All the bad hombres want to say it’s bad but, with this positive covfefe, we can build a wall to keep out all the Pats fans.

[Assistant] And we'll make New England pay for it.

[Assistant] Lmao this is why i love this place


[User]
I bought shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.

[Assistant] OOOOOOH THIS GOT ME GOOD.


[User]
High five, lol jk
[ Removed by reddit in response to a copyright notice. ]

[Assistant] The body language from the dog got me very confused .Why did it go for the bite?

[Assistant] That's not normal behaviour, so it's probably something his owner taught him for laughs. He's shaking his tail etc, so it's just for a laugh...he wouldn't have bitten very hard.

[Assistant] Head down bum up is play stance too, also ears are relaxed. I dont think hes angry, maybe just used to roughhousing

[Assistant] Also, the presenting of the rear is a sign of submission/playfullness as well. Not in a sexual sense, just to be clear, you know...because of reddit.


[User]
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether oar situation

[Assistant] Heh. My insurance only covers the boat paddle.


[User]
When my wife farts I say "Bless you" like she sneezed.
She hates it

[Assistant] My wife farts so much she even says excuse me when she's sleeping.

[Assistant] That, that is too funny


[User]
PETA made a Twitter post about the new Pokemon Wooloo. Pokemon fans came in to save Wooloo from PETA.
&#x200B;

https://i.redd.it/6upxyin7sy231.png

https://i.redd.it/moq31c7gsy231.png

https://i.redd.it/34gi4mrpsy231.png

[Assistant] Remember the health problems of Shrek the sheep that hid to avoid getting sheered for years.


[User]
Flooding in a shopping center, band decides to play Titanic's music theme
[ Removed by reddit in response to a copyright notice. ]

[Assistant] Gentlemen, it has been a privilege playing with you tonight

[Assistant] *starts ransacking stores*

[Assistant]
I'm cry laughing, so hard at this.
I dont have money, so here is a fake medal. 🥇

[Assistant] I'm over here dying of laughter. Showed my wife and all she gave was a lip smack. I cant breath.

[Assistant] Lol same, I showed my wife too and my mom came into my room and smacked me and told me to stop talking to myself again.

[Assistant] haha me three. I showed my mom as my wife came into the room and kissed my smack right outta my hand.

[Assistant] I don’t have a mom or a wife. I have no one to show :(

[Assistant] I just wifed my show to mom smack alone talk


[User]
Sucked into the Void
[ Removed by reddit in response to a copyright notice. ]

[Assistant] gone, reduced to atoms

[Assistant] less than the other cats indifference

[Assistant] You can't compare with what isn't there. That cat may be atomized, but the care integer of a cat is the animal kingdom equivalent of dividing by zero.


[User]
I'm a Joker, I'm a Smoker, I'm a..
&#x200B;

https://i.redd.it/lpz3oqxrew431.jpg

[Assistant] His parents are still laughing

[Assistant] He’ll be the judge of that.


[User]
My friend sent me this picture of the pilot on her flight home.
&#x200B;

https://i.redd.it/1jn1ynacvm531.jpg

[Assistant] That’s just the flight manual for the Boeing 737 Max.


[User]
What animal has more lives than a cat?
&#x200B;

A frog, it croaks every night.

[Assistant] You belong in r/dadjokes good pal


[User]
I was looking for leather bags....
I think my Amazon Algorithm broke.

https://i.redd.it/oy3f9h7mnb731.png

[Assistant] The bag is on the front


[User] Subreddit Of The Month [July 2019]: /r/carshitposting. Know of a small (under 20,000 subscribers) humor-based subreddit that deserves a month in the spotlight? Link it inside!

[Assistant]
I actually created a "funny" subreddit: /r/FuturistHumor

Basically an attempt to combine /r/ProgrammerHumor, /r/Futurology, /r/SiriFail, and whatnot. I could use some more mods. And, like, maybe 500,000 more subs.

[Assistant] i would like to mod for you

[Assistant] I can be a reference for /u/LaxrQuote. I feel he can do the job based off of what I know.

[Assistant] i feel this way strongly


[User]
Bright idea anyone?
My wife and I were having sex the other night and she looked at me with a mischievous smile and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt".

I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.

[Assistant] Made me chuckle


[User]
American knock knock jokes?
Why aren't there any American knock-knock jokes?

🤔🤔🤔🤔

Because, freedom rings, motherfucker!

🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸

[Assistant]
I know one!

Knock knock

Who's there?

9/11

9/11 who?

I thought you said you would never forget!


[User]
You can’t breath through your nose while smiling.
Of course you can, I just wanted to make you smile.

I did post this in other subs but I just want to make people smile.

[Assistant] But I smiled like a psycho


[User]
I have a proposal, if you comment on this thread you get silver, you make me laugh you get gold, and if you make me cry laughing you get platinum.
This offer is valid for the first 100 users who use it.

[Assistant]
Lol what’s the difference between Usain Bolt and hitler ?

Usain bolt could actually finish a race


[User]
Ask me any question and i'll answer, then edit your question to make it look weird asf.
Been done plenty of times but wanted to contribute myself but struggled to find one.

[Assistant] Say "pistachio" if you think the holocaust was a hoax.

[Assistant] Pistachio!


[User]
Dad goes to put music on the TV at family gathering but it shows he's been on Porn Hub.
&#x200B;

https://reddit.com/link/cfp98s/video/a7yqlot77ib31/player

[Assistant] We had my grandparents in for Christmas one year when I was young...my folks were proud of their new 9mm handy cam....went to show them the video we did as a family..just got my dad banging my mom POV style.

[Assistant] Gotta link? =)


[User]
Found this glorious image on google, added the text, and applied it to my coworkers window.
&#x200B;

https://i.redd.it/s36fb9c9k2c31.jpg

[Assistant] That's beautiful man, soulful.


[User]
Benefits of having a wife
Anytime someone solicits something or I’m buying something and don’t really want to commit, I just say “let me ask my wife.”

If I’m considering it I’ll ask her, if not I won’t bother.

Anybody else?

[Assistant] Works the other way also. I'll say "well, I'll have to talk it over with my husband" to get out of things all the time.


[User]
I was looking for a fly killing tool and then I ran into this review.
&#x200B;

https://i.redd.it/5n65znblqvd31.png

[Assistant]
"Does not work on fist sized cockroaches"

My girlfriend would shit herself in fear


[User] Subreddit Of The Month [August 2019]: /r/bandmemes. Know of a small (under 20,000 subscribers) humor-based subreddit that deserves a month in the spotlight? Link it inside!

[Assistant]
I made a subreddit with a bot that automatically takes the top posts on LifeProTips and randomly adds insulting words. It's crazy how well it works.

/r/AbusiveLPT

[Assistant] This is funny


[User]
Unrealistic Porn
The most unrealistic thing about teacher porn is when the female teacher has fake breasts. You just know they couldn’t afford them on their salaries

[Assistant] I dont know i had a teacher in 5th grade with great fake breasts


[User]
When he realised it, it was already too late
[ Removed by reddit in response to a copyright notice. ]

[Assistant] the look when he realised the gravity of the situation

[Assistant] Reality weighed in on him

[Assistant] I can't believe he fell for that.

[Assistant] I thought he was more grounded.

[Assistant] The bigger they are, the harder they fall...

[Assistant] Gravity pun

[Assistant] A catastrophe!

[Assistant] He slid right into it.


[User]
My 89yr old grandfather made him self a lawnmower, please note 11/10 electric work
&#x200B;

https://i.redd.it/igl7gk5368i31.jpg

https://i.redd.it/u4rrzd5368i31.jpg

[Assistant]
first question i asked him "how do you still have your legs?"

his answer "oh its perfectly safe, just a few rock chips"


[User]
My kid just drew her favourite drink.
&#x200B;

https://i.redd.it/9hx1wbc1qci31.jpg

[Assistant] So...... Who's calling child protective services?


[User] Subreddit Of The Month [September 2019]: /r/ClimbingCircleJerk. Know of a small (under 20,000 subscribers) humor-based subreddit that deserves a month in the spotlight? Link it inside!

[Assistant]
I made a subreddit with a bot that automatically takes the top posts on LifeProTips and randomly adds insulting words. It's crazy how well it works.

/r/AbusiveLPT

[Assistant] um.. ok


[User]
If there is one thing Reddit loves more than a pun
It's proper punctuation.

[Assistant] i bought shoes from a drug dealer, i dont know what he laced them with but i've been trippin all day


[User]
Psychedelic effects
[ Removed by reddit in response to a copyright notice. ]

[Assistant] I'm sure it's intentional but this is kind of how a fungus works, with the organism living in the ground and it's delicious sexual organ sprouting above the surface as a mushroom.

[Assistant] I thought they made little threads in the ground like roots not gnomes

[Assistant] gnope im pretty sure they make gnomes

[Assistant] Well gnow I gknow.


[User]
We'll, we'll, we'll.
If it isn't my old nemesis, Auto Correct.

There will be a special place reserved for you in hello.

[Assistant] Was all set to downvote this... then i clicked and had a good chuckle.


[User]
A message to flat earthers
&#x200B;

https://preview.redd.it/4bjg2yzu0cn31.png?width=471&format=png&auto=webp&s=9a7f1bd66246f0d3951276f65c035cc699908f9e

[Assistant] A lot of vegetation for being at the North Pole

[Assistant] Are you one of those climate change deniers?


[User]
Labradorknob :)
&#x200B;

https://preview.redd.it/voi2d42549o31.jpg?width=640&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=f91e8b891c41f94dd1b723bffaa8cf231e46886e

[Assistant] He's a-door-bell :)


[User]
I’ve been dating a homeless woman recently, and I think it’s starting to get serious…
She’s asked me to move out with her.

[Assistant] Fits better in r/jokes


[User] Subreddit Of The Month [October 2019]: /r/PinkFloydCircleJerk. Know of a small (under 20,000 subscribers) humor-based subreddit that deserves a month in the spotlight? Link it inside!

[Assistant]
I made a subreddit with a bot that automatically takes the top posts on LifeProTips and randomly adds insulting words. It's crazy how well it works.

/r/AbusiveLPT

[Assistant] Didn't know I needed this in my life, but I am glad I now have it.


[User]
I would like to congratulate drugs, for winning the war against drugs.
(not mine)

[Assistant]
The rate of poor people and minorities that are now a part of the prison population says "Mission Accomplished" to me.

It was never about drugs, it was about an easy excuse to discriminate


[User]
Car running along the road
[ Removed by reddit in response to a copyright notice. ]

[Assistant] How hasn’t anyone ever thought of this, it’s hilarious! It even looks like it has eyes! I’m definitely doing this if I ever have a friend.

[Assistant] Because you need a friend to do it with you. And the sun has to be the correct angle. So the odds are almost 0.

[Assistant] Shit. You lost me at "need a friend"

[Assistant] Hey. I’ll be your friend, friend.

[Assistant] You're not my friend, pal!

[Assistant] I'm not your pal, bro

[Assistant] ur not my bro, homie

[Assistant] ur not my bra, bro

[Assistant] You’re not my dude, guy

[Assistant] He's not your guy, buddy


[User]
Why are elevator jokes so good?
Because they work on so many different levels.

[Assistant]
Look I'm goona be real with you people.... This joke is trash and I'm just trying to get to 1,000 karma.

&#x200B;

&#x200B;

I'm sorry.


[User]
I like my women like I like my men
That’s it.

That’s all I have for you folks.

I’m bisexual.

[Assistant] But how do you like them? I like mine grilled.


[User]
New Vape Trick! ;)
[ Removed by reddit in response to a copyright notice. ]

[Assistant] LPT learned here: slap the dude you can definitely outrun

[Assistant] Then proceed to work daily near him with the constant fear of being killed.


[User]
My wife says my jokes are not funny.
I think they r/funny

[Assistant] I shall give you the up of the vote


[User] The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”

[Assistant] Spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch.

[Assistant] Came to say this


[User]
I won the company pumpkin carving contest with this gem.
&#x200B;

https://preview.redd.it/2gaqs7ievjv31.jpg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=6afe8b17d7cc010b81c8cb5174060e63d5ecd2a2

[Assistant] You got idea from the Vag pumpkin...


[User] Subreddit Of The Month [November 2019]: /r/suddenlybigbraintime. Know of a small (under 20,000 subscribers) humor-based subreddit that deserves a month in the spotlight? Link it inside!

[Assistant]
I made a subreddit with a bot that automatically takes the top posts on LifeProTips and randomly adds insulting words. It's crazy how well it works.

/r/AbusiveLPT

[Assistant] It does! I subbed.


[User]
This was supposed to be a Neanderthal woman. All I see is Shakira.
&#x200B;

https://preview.redd.it/eniwhul39ox31.jpg?width=543&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=4e9a1c48caecbd6e2651d88a01104b6fcea14746

[Assistant] I can't tell what kind of woman it is without seeing her boobs


[User]
Nsfw - Whoever named it a nipslip really missed an opportunity to call it peekaboob.
Whoever named it a nipslip really missed an opportunity to call it peekaboob.

[Assistant] And "thigh gap" is really "face space"

[Assistant] Ew yes


[User]
Logged on to tinder after a year and this gem was waiting for me
&#x200B;

https://preview.redd.it/5packiwqdiy31.jpg?width=738&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=e93193e11302da1ab3acf990382dccd57aa4041c

[Assistant] That is more determination than I do I’ll ever have in anything in life put together lmao


[User]
My ex wife is a porn-star
She divorced me when she found out

[Assistant] oh...OH. Sauce?


[User]
Today our psychology teacher asked us to remember all 7 dwarves...
One kid said, "Oh that's easy! Just list the symptoms of cocaine use!"

[Assistant]
mnemonic

2S’s
2D’s
3 emotions

Sleepy, Sneezy, Dopey, Doc, Happy, Grumpy, Bashful

Or a new StarWars droid S2D23


[User]
I. Like. How. When. You. Read. This. The. Little. Voice. In. Your. Head. Makes. Pauses.
The brain is a crazy thing. Anyone have any other cool things like this?

[Assistant]
It’s almost like the “period” is designed to indicate a break in speech or something.
🤔


[User]
If I read a comment that includes “mum” or “arse” I immediately re-read it with a British accent.
If they mention a “kangaroo” or “cunt” then I read it as Australian.

[Assistant] What about cockwombling wankpuffin?


[User]
Im not ugly
&#x200B;

https://preview.redd.it/txqalituv3241.jpg?width=1242&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a1958513e33c26b02c70e326b4bcd1e1a4cfc0a1

[Assistant] Not ugly... Pugly

[Assistant] good one


[User] Subreddit Of The Month [December 2019]: /r/catapult_memes. Know of a small (under 20,000 subscribers) humor-based subreddit that deserves a month in the spotlight? Link it inside!

[Assistant]
I made a subreddit with a bot that automatically takes the top posts on LifeProTips and randomly adds insulting words. It's crazy how well it works.

/r/AbusiveLPT

[Assistant] I feel like this has been number 1 for like 3 months.


[User]
My friend recently confessed that after a year of trying, he finally sucked his own dick.
He followed up with " It's way more like sucking a dick, than getting your dick sucked"

[Assistant] Your friends a hero for answering the tough questions in life.


[User]
This morning I went to a meeting for my premature ejaculators support group.
Turns out the meeting is tomorrow.

[Assistant] I thought everyone came early


[User]
Charming all da ladies ;)
[ Removed by reddit in response to a copyright notice. ]

[Assistant] Impressive how he just bounces up on his chair. Powerful af.

[Assistant]
His IG is pitbullruhl he lifts and does some CrossFit type workouts. Dude benches like 500lbs.

Edit: yes he doesn’t have legs you’re all very funny and original

[Assistant] So that crushes any argument above that claims he only has to lift half, etc. Benching 500 lbs is fucking impressive

[Assistant] A ton of bench press strength comes from your legs driving into the floor too so it’s really fucking impressive.

[Assistant] Not only legs driving into the floor but also legs stabilizing your body in the bench.  Without the legs your abs and midsection need to work extra hard when doing a bench press.  Dude is strong as fuck for sure

[Assistant] Yeah, I remember doing reps of bench press where I bent my legs at the knee and had them off the ground and it was MUCH harder to lift that way.


[User]
Proof that the Earth is in fact round
&#x200B;

https://preview.redd.it/19z1m0145x341.jpg?width=800&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=c4770a8f6fb6f06b44801cd14bba1b70f6de21bb

[Assistant] All of a sudden I want to lick Norway


[User]
Use a movie title to describe your last bowel evacuation
I'll go first

There Will be Blood

[Assistant] Children of the corn


[User]
My wife asked me what mansplaining is.
I don't know if I can tell her.

[Assistant] If you are going to tell her do it slowly and repeat the key points. She'll like that. Also slot in a sports cup just in case it doesn't go well.


[User]
Maybe if I'm lucky, something besides life will fuck me this decade
Happy new year y'all

[Assistant] We can all only wish we were so lucky. Happy new year to you too!


[User]
Why was 2019 afraid of 2020?
Because once they had a fight and 2021.

[Assistant] I’m surprised I didn’t see this, even though I had 2020 vision


[User] Subreddit Of The Month [January 2020]: /r/LOTRholygrailmemes. Know of a small (under 20,000 subscribers) humor-based subreddit that deserves a month in the spotlight? Link it inside!

[Assistant]
I made a subreddit with a bot that automatically takes the top posts on LifeProTips and randomly adds insulting words. It's crazy how well it works.

/r/AbusiveLPT

[Assistant] I just feel like Red Foreman wrote this sub

[Assistant] It's crazy how well my foot up your ass works


[User]
This tab at work gave me a heart attack.
&#x200B;

https://preview.redd.it/84mq4dkzqm941.png?width=398&format=png&auto=webp&s=a8b1222b0e10dd5692e35f24e1810baeebf0ee23

[Assistant] Gave me a boner


[User]
Willy Vodka and the Beer Factory
&#x200B;

https://preview.redd.it/u9fr8nmgt0a41.jpg?width=777&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=202d48989dbb10b0ddf934912f5f63c1499d2953

[Assistant] There's even an oompa loompa


[User]
I bought Gwyneth Paltrow's vagina-scented candle.....
but I must have lit it from the wrong end because this thing smells like shit.

[Assistant] Maybe she has a shit smelling vagina


[User]
My cousin (8 years old) broke up with his girlfriend because she puked in his lunchable
Good man

[Assistant] Valid


[User]
But what do I do with my poop?
&#x200B;

https://preview.redd.it/0j5eklzv7nd41.jpg?width=483&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=2f4dbd587d2784265f0342f95367450831083b2e

[Assistant] Down the sink

[Assistant] Into the drink

[Assistant] It might stink

[Assistant] But it’s better than you think

[Assistant] So try not to blink


[User]
Today my gf asked me if groundhogs were real or “like Santa”
Happy Groundhog Day

[Assistant] My wife a while back once asked me if beavers were involved in the making of "all dams"


[User]
My favourite sex position is called "WOW" ...
It's where I flip your MOM over

[Assistant] Owen Wilson: WOW!


[User] Subreddit Of The Month [February 2020]: /r/thecaptioncontest. Know of a small (under 20,000 subscribers) humor-based subreddit that deserves a month in the spotlight? Link it inside!


[User]
My buddy got kicked out of hobby lobby for dipping his balls in glitter...
Pretty nuts right?

[Assistant]
I laughed way to fucking hard at this. Like almost passed out.

I just wasnt expecting it. Plus I do a lot of drugs.


[User]
My favorite sex position is called "WOW"...
It's where I flip your MOM over.

[Assistant] Here. Take it. ⬆


[User]
Disappointing Train
[ Removed by reddit in response to a copyright notice. ]

[Assistant] Hancock the answer to the movie question is Hancock

[Assistant] Hey, was that movie based on anything? Like a book or graphic novel or something? The movie was fairly mediocre, but I thought the lore was kind of interesting.

[Assistant] Nah, the script was just kinda kicked around from the 90's until they decided to actually make it in the mid 2000's.

[Assistant] Somebody should really do something with the concept. I reckon you could probably tie it into the Highlander universe in a reasonably coherent way. (At least as coherent as Endgame, anyway.)

[Assistant] Good lord how has Highlander not been remade?

[Assistant] I heard something about there can only be one...or some such.

[Assistant] So ***HEEEERE WE ARE***

[Assistant] BORN TO BE KINGS!

[Assistant] PRINCES OF THE UNIIIIIIVERSE!

[Assistant] Here we belong

[Assistant] FIGHTING TO SURVIVE IN A WORLD WITH THE DARKEST POWERS


[User]
For anyone who needs a laugh, I found this gem earlier.
&#x200B;

https://preview.redd.it/05w9sibu6qi41.jpg?width=640&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=042b48d8e15022334b5f80c137610f3b3039ba0c

[Assistant]
My husband did this to me when I was pregnant, but with ketchup. I thought I was having a miscarriage.

I’m still mad about it.

My daughter is 25.

I’m single.


[User]
Titanic
&#x200B;

[Titanic](https://preview.redd.it/9s9kdgtn57j41.png?width=2366&format=png&auto=webp&s=d30744d9f2168abbee15d73b4f0ebe44aba07f57)

[Assistant] Why is this funny?

[Assistant] Edit nvm, didnt see the drawing.


[User] Subreddit Of The Month [March 2020]: /r/mooditation. Know of a small (under 20,000 subscribers) humor-based subreddit that deserves a month in the spotlight? Link it inside!

[Assistant]
r/JakesDoorComics

14yo draws hilarious comics on his whiteboard.  Great stuff!

[Assistant] Thanks for sharing this. I subscribed!

[Assistant] Me, too!


[User]
Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy just turned 42 years old. ------ 42. -----
If you haven't read this great 1978 surreal sci fi novel by Douglas Adams, read it right now.  Then this number will seem very significant.

[Assistant] Still the right answer I see.

[Assistant] Yeah, but what's the question.... ;)

[Assistant] It's heavily implied that Fenchurch saw it in God's final message. So... ask her


[User]
Just disease spreading things
[ Removed by reddit in response to a copyright notice. ]

[Assistant] This is why I wash my hands before a piss. Don't want to get my wiener all germy.

[Assistant] A wise man once told me "I know exactly where my dick has been all day, but I have no idea what my hands have touched."

[Assistant]
>"I know exactly where my dick has been all day"

Yeah, inches from your sweaty asshole. Wash your hands.

[Assistant] Shit rolls downhill. It doesn’t meander over your gooch, sneak past your balls, and climb onto your dick. Seriously at least 7/10 dicks must be cleaner than the hands that grip them for a piss.

[Assistant]
Actually, it does.

If you wear pants you're wearing an incubator for fecal coliform and your dick is absolutely drenched in dookie bugs.

Wash your hands.

[Assistant] Or don’t wear pants.


[User]
Stop buying all the toilet paper
&#x200B;

https://preview.redd.it/ua4uredx8dm41.jpg?width=684&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=ea9dab111f80a707bdfdcdf936423c0dcbf6e4eb

[Assistant] Buy some RV and marine toilet paper


[User]
My sister’s work split their department into two groups and are working in different buildings so if someone becomes a carrier for Coronavirus, only half of them get exposed.
They named the two groups QuaranTeam and Apocalypse Wow.

[Assistant] That is funny, but it's not a daft as it seems


[User]
This little piggy went to market, this little piggy ...
&#x200B;

https://preview.redd.it/85zqn2f21jo41.png?width=500&format=png&auto=webp&s=40d3bfd0f639f1c32f10d14fcd5d38a78bbb1034

[Assistant] Should have stayed home, there's a quarantine


[User]
No offence intended
It’s important that we all keep our sense of humour. Apparently there is some sort of crisis going on at the moment but being deaf I haven’t heard much about it!!

[Assistant] Im offended that you thought I would be offended! How dare you...


[User]
How does Moses make his tea?
How does Moses make his tea?
"Hebrews" it.
I’m serious that "Israeli" how he does it.

[Assistant] I see what Jew did there


[User]
I just found out Mary, Kate, and Ashley are only 2 people.
my whole life I thought there were 3

[Assistant] Elizabeth Olson is the hot one.


[User] Subreddit Of The Month [April 2020]: /r/SadDads. Know of a small (under 20,000 subscribers) humor-based subreddit that deserves a month in the spotlight? Link it inside!

[Assistant]
r/jakesdoorcomics
A 14yo kid posts hilarious comics on his bedroom door whiteboard!
Edit: spelled the kids name right

[Assistant] His name is Jake, not Hake :-)


[User]
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
Stay safe <3

[Assistant] I bet he felt a right tit.

[Assistant] Probably the left one too


[User]
Here's a good 2020 joke
A man walks into a bar.

[Assistant] Damn thats deep


[User]
Why do French people only have one egg for breakfast?
Because in France, one egg is an ouef!

[Assistant] Close the door Margaret


[User]
00000000011000111000111000111000 00000000011000111000111000110001 00001111111000111000111000100011 00001111111000111000111000000111 00000000111000010000111000100011 00000000111000000000111000110001 00001111111110000011111000111000
Squit your eyes

[Assistant] Sorry, I don't read bender


[User]
I ONCE DATED A GIRL WITH A TWIN. PEOPLE ASKED HOW I COULD TELL THEM APART!
It was quite simple, Mary painted her nails pink and Bob had a cock

[Assistant] So did you ever get pegged?


[User] Subreddit Of The Month [May 2020]: /r/sirthisisawendys. Know of a small (under 20,000 subscribers) humor-based subreddit that deserves a month in the spotlight? Link it inside!


[User]
Of course there's a Guinness World Record for largest hula-hoop spin.
[ Removed by reddit in response to a copyright notice. ]

[Assistant] Good thing he’s got that kevlar girdle or his lower back, sides, and stomach would all be bruised.

[Assistant] And cleats. Proper equipment makes all the difference.

[Assistant] I read that as “And cheats”, and I was like.... HOW? Did he hack real life?

[Assistant] Just hit "~" on your life's keyboard and begin typing console commands.

[Assistant]
sv_cheats 1;

sv_infinite_HulaHoopStamina 1;

sv_showimpacts 1;

r_drawothermodels 2;

&nbsp;

And set L Alt key for *noclip* prior to this for optimized practice server

[Assistant]
Duck I don’t even need cheats if I can access console.

Cl_forwardspeed 999

Cl_sidespeed 999

Cl_backspeed 999

Sensitivity 12

Particle_fx 0

Lightgamma -10

Olympic medals and world records here I come.

[Assistant] That light gamma though...


[User]
I'm convinced only one thing can save 2020.
We have The Lion King, we are getting The Tiger King. Can we please save 2020 with Napoleon Dynamite 2: The Liger King

[Assistant] No, no. He's got a point.


[User]
Why are fish so easy to weigh?
They have their own scales!

[Assistant] Dad... have you been drinking again?


[User]
I’m dumb
For like two hours I was getting mad because my laptop wouldn’t charge
The charger was literally in the headphone jack.

[Assistant] My only question would be "how does one even get a charter in the audio port"?


[User]
Shit my wife says while cutting my hair
My wife stepped in for the barber. She confidently said she could do a fade, so I let her have at it. After the first few cuts she says, "we may have something here."

[Assistant] Why are so many people over worried about haircuts? It's fucking hair.


[User]
Just got married yesterday. Heading off to Spain on honeymoon to spend two weeks with my amazing wife, my lover, my soul mate and, most importantly, my best friend.
My wife isn't too happy I invited the other three along.

[Assistant] Had me in the first half, not gonna lie.


[User]
I typed up "anime guy" on google images and this is what I found.
&#x200B;

https://preview.redd.it/u66qnhfvru051.jpg?width=1200&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=876c7806583b1693900d33e593bb9c36e73e2602

[Assistant] Do they have dubbed??


[User]
I just turned 60
Does anyone know if there are special looting hours for seniors?

[Assistant]
Between 06.00 and 07.00.

Congratulations btw.


[User] Subreddit Of The Month [June 2020]: /r/ItalianCrabPropaganda. Know of a small (under 20,000 subscribers) humor-based subreddit that deserves a month in the spotlight? Link it inside!

[Assistant]
r/jakesdoorcomics

14yo kid draws hilarious comics on his bedroom door whiteboard every night


[User]
If Life is soup then I am a fork
That’s it. That’s the post.

[Assistant] You are good at taking only the good stuff then. No extra useless water.


[User]
I was cutting firewood today and the end-grain of a few logs were quite "unique"... What should I name her?
&#x200B;

https://preview.redd.it/3gyx5bf6bz451.jpg?width=2561&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=5195069b2cf655b07e7900243da328faf121fb5d

[Assistant] Peggy Hardwood?


[User]
My girlfriend just told me our relationship is like a jar of organic peanut butter...
she said that separation is natural :(

[Assistant] Adding the dog spices things up


[User]
mf's act like they don't understand the whole sentence if a single grammatical error is made
&#x200B;

https://preview.redd.it/1qc9sygreq751.png?width=889&format=png&auto=webp&s=b65ee73fe428963a1ef89c47a21486986d2b3b5b

[Assistant] *error.


[User]
It worked!
&#x200B;

https://preview.redd.it/8su30xoxey751.jpg?width=1440&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=98445aef3a1cffe645073dc31b450b84e7cd2b02

[Assistant] Corvallis, OR.  Great little town with a sense of humor.


[User]
I take selfies on strangers cameras so they can remember me.
Whenever I take a picture for a tourist I always like to flip the camera around for at least 1 Pic of me so they can remember the nice man who took their picture.

[Assistant] Obviously not a problem for you right now in the age of covid-19


[User]
I was going to tell a joke about a parachutist who forgot a parachute
However, the last time i told the joke, it didn’t land well

[Assistant] Sorry man, looks like the joke fell flat.


[User]
Can you describe your favorite movie as boring as possible?
Some random guy and his friends go on a road trip to find a special cup that ends up with most of them dying after this guy named Tim asks them a bunch of trivia questions.🤣

[Assistant] Space.... ships ... sound affects ... bad guys can never aim properly


[User] Subreddit Of The Month [July 2020]: /r/twitter_memes/. Know of a small (under 20,000 subscribers) humor-based subreddit that deserves a month in the spotlight? Link it inside!

[Assistant]
r/JakesDoorComics
14 year old kid posts hilarious comics which he’s drawn on his bedroom door whiteboard!


[User]
Did you hear about Russel Crow's problem with cannibalism? At first he expressed shame about consuming a mother of two.
But upon further reflection he was gladiator.

[Assistant] I chuckled but you should post this on /r/jokes


[User]
We have chickens, and a 7 year old. Today he asked “dad, who laid me? You or mom?”
And we all laughed very hard.

[Assistant] "Well, technically, your mom laid me. Heyo!"

[Assistant] Ya beat me to it😂


[User]
Condoms can't protect from everything
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

[Assistant] They had us in the first half not gonna lie


[User]
Do wear a mask? Do you wear glasses?
You may be entitled to condensation.

[Assistant] It's annoying. But I like breathing so it do both


[User]
I asked a Welsh man how many sexual partners he’s had
He started counting them, but he fell asleep.

[Assistant] Take your upvote. That was fucking savage.


[User] Subreddit Of The Month [August 2020]: /r/WhatsTheRule/. Know of a small (under 20,000 subscribers) humor-based subreddit that deserves a month in the spotlight? Link it inside!

[Assistant] r/Drawtism


[User]
NSFW
I hate my boss

[Assistant] Guess what? I hate you too.....now get back to work.


[User]
2020 ★☆☆☆☆
Unhealthy, would not recommend.

[Assistant] Oh. We're not done yet.


[User]
This joke is not for religious fellas
What's the differencr between a woman and Jesus?

Their facial expression while getting nailed.

[Assistant] Im religious and can say it's pretty funny, blew air out of my nose


[User]
Quick PSA: I had the Russian Covid19 vaccination yesterday
and can tell you there are absolutely no negative sideffski efectovski secundariosvki Кто может это прочитать, это уродливый парень. Обожаю Владимира Путина!

[Assistant] That made me laugh out loud. Well played sir.


[User]
On the third day, he rose again
&#x200B;

https://preview.redd.it/4n68lzdqr7i51.jpg?width=650&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=5f63fd863ebe751e7c230ee3b70b862147f219a5

[Assistant] Blatant pederasty!!!!


[User]
Flying kid
[ Removed by reddit in response to a copyright notice. ]

[Assistant] Parenting gone flight.

[Assistant] Instead of Home Alone, we gotta make "Home Together :2020"

[Assistant]
What’s more dangerous than being home alone?
Being home with stupid parents.

[Assistant]
> stupid parents

Meh, minor incident from some low risk fun.


[User]
So I found out that I’m the only guy in my 8 apartment building...
I want to change my Wi-Fi password to something that would be funny revolving around being the only guy (but also something appropriate). Any ideas?

[Assistant] LAN Solo


[User]
Girl wakes up from surgery, and boyfriend steals her nose
[ Removed by reddit in response to a copyright notice. ]

[Assistant] [People being sassy when they come out of surgery is one of my favorite things!](https://youtu.be/spnTvfdsnBY)

[Assistant] “I got a little dress on my finger and I’m plugged into a wall.”

[Assistant]
“I’m becoming an electric blanket”

LOL

[Assistant] Comedians work on their sets for months and years and this girl is high as fuck just shooting from the hip and killing it

[Assistant] Seems like comedians gotta start getting high now!

[Assistant] What a preposterous idea. Comedians are famous for their straight edge lifestyles.

[Assistant] I know! Could you imagine Tim Allen, Robin Williams, Ralphie May, or Mitch Hedburg on drugs? It's inconceivable!

[Assistant]
I used to do drugs.

I still do, but I used to too.


[User] Subreddit Of The Month [September 2020]: /r/pollgames//. Know of a small (under 20,000 subscribers) humor-based subreddit that deserves a month in the spotlight? Link it inside!

[Assistant] Why did my phone give me a notification for this post...?

[Assistant] It's just a totally normal mystery.

[Assistant] Quick, someone contact Mike Tyson via messenger pigeon

[Assistant] Sorry, but the pigeons are currently busy kithing.

[Assistant] Did you mean _kissing_ ?

[Assistant]
He saying “kissing” with a Mike Tyson voice.

Sorry if you already knew that.

[Assistant] Thankth for the info shir.

[Assistant] You're welcome thir.

[Assistant]
Anyone elthe getting Discworld Igor vibeth?? No? Jutht me?
Thorry, thur, I’ll thtop now.


[User]
Wait what
[ Removed by reddit in response to a copyright notice. ]

[Assistant] Yoda Edition proposal

[Assistant] And he doesn't take no for a answer

[Assistant] It’s a system we cannot afford to loose.


[User]
Spoiler for marvel fans
&#x200B;

https://preview.redd.it/nsejaw7hpyl51.png?width=512&format=png&auto=webp&s=67572fc63e82cc179ade62e86ebc9c853e96d876

[Assistant] Maybe the wrong character is called Black Widow...


[User]
OC: WAP Remix Gilbert Gottfried
&#x200B;

https://reddit.com/link/iqae14/video/83r1c4m7gdm51/player

[Assistant] These days there’s no point in listening to the original, the remix is always better.


[User]
Ask me anything, then edit your question to make me seem like a dick.
As the title suggests, go!

[Assistant] Do you place cameras in the women’s bathroom?

[Assistant] Only for casual browsing

[Assistant] \*Not edited question\* \*Starts  to sweat @ OP answer\*


[User]
What sound wolves do in your language? In portuguese it is AUUUUUUUUU
&#x200B;

https://preview.redd.it/uoyokol96zn51.jpg?width=631&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=e31a858f7ada0d155bb597dc4305ac23cbc20b40

[Assistant] AWOOOOOOOOOOO


[User]
When Canadians hold the door for someone.
&#x200B;

https://reddit.com/link/iwkohj/video/dkgkgce7wco51/player

[Assistant]
You laugh but it adds at least two hours to our day.

&#x200B;

Sorry.


[User]
Bear Grylls Exposed...
&#x200B;

https://reddit.com/link/j18jn3/video/dcep0voprup51/player

[Assistant]
Yeah. He was exposed years ago. Most nights he was shipped back to a hotel.

If you want a real survival expert then try Ray Mears.


[User]
Homage to Quino, who passed today
&#x200B;

https://preview.redd.it/a7ttogfj4bq51.png?width=565&format=png&auto=webp&s=b4807c79a5b94e972edcfb340ece3c3060396a9f

[Assistant] A true master. My regards from Spain. ❤


[User]
I had a customer ask me tonight if the salmon was “grass-fed.”
That’s all.
I guess I should have said, “Yes ma’am, and the beef is wild caught.”

[Assistant] ONLY free range, grass fed fish are served in this establishment, ma'am


[User] Subreddit Of The Month [October 2020]: /r/Spaceballsmemes/. Know of a small (under 20,000 subscribers) humor-based subreddit that deserves a month in the spotlight? Link it inside!

[Assistant]
I hate having to go to the subreddit link and turn the bell off.

The bell being off should be a given and if I like the sub I’ll turn it on

Your welcome boyzzz! Make sure to tell Reddit to hire me for ground breaking ideas!

[Assistant] Omg. I never knew how to stop the notifications until now, so thank you! I get notifications for subs I don’t even follow and I did not know how to make it stop until now lol

[Assistant] You guys are getting notifications?


[User]
Not knowing enough about Greek Mythology....
.... is my Achilles knee.

[Assistant] This is truly very funny


[User]
*sigh* this is my draughters school pictures this year...
Lilians school picture https://imgur.com/gallery/7LF1TTc

[Assistant] Are you by any chance Jack Black?


[User]
Thanks Amazon...
&#x200B;

https://preview.redd.it/k8feu9vnl4u51.png?width=1111&format=png&auto=webp&s=48d152ffa811f8d975c5fd43f5bbd792b0fbcd27

[Assistant] I mean, you could still use it to hold paper towels


[User]
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

[Assistant] More people should make this decision BEFORE they have kids.


[User]
Guys I made an OnlyFans account and post pics of ceiling fans
I have discovered the true purpose of OnlyFans and shall meme on the entire OF community

[Assistant]
What about table fans, hand fans, free standing fans..

All fans are beautiful

[Assistant] I didn’t think about that, I shall expand what I start posting


[User]
A skateboard goes shopping
[ Removed by reddit in response to a copyright notice. ]

[Assistant] Choosy begger not wanting a banana

[Assistant] "Surprise me but not like that"

[Assistant] Sounds like my gf

[Assistant] Sorry she doesn’t want your banana, bud.

[Assistant] welp, what can I say but happy cake day

[Assistant]
FOR THE MOUNTAINS I PULLED FROM THE SKYYYY

Edit: SEEAAAAAAAAAA

[Assistant] Honestly I could go on and on

[Assistant] I could explain every natural phenomenon


[User]
My wife just told me she doesn't like Calvin and Hobbes.
Any advice for a newly single dad?

[Assistant] That’s it you have to throw the whole wife away.


[User]
What do dark humor and kids with cancer have in common?
They never get old.

[Assistant] +1 for the layerd joke and an upvote for offensive taste.


[User]
The cat just took a huge mouthful
[ Removed by reddit in response to a copyright notice. ]

[Assistant] Even with all the craziness in the world its good to know that at least a portion of the internet is still fulfilling its original purpose of posting funny cat things.

[Assistant] Well then, here's some more ["shovel cats"](https://youtu.be/zyFmRVMZqg8)!!

[Assistant] Is it just me or is did almost every one of those cats hve a ridiculously huge portion of food? Can cats free feed kibble?

[Assistant] This is stolen from r/Eyebleach [Here's The Link](https://www.reddit.com/r/Eyebleach/comments/jtfwuz/nooooo/)


[User]
Use half and half
You guys my mom gave my sister her meatballs recipe that calls for half turkey half beef. She tells her use half and half. This girl put creamer in the meatballs.

[Assistant] Jesus, I hope your sister is cute.


[User]
Australia Saying
Here in Australia, if someone is surprised, it is very common to say "Fuck me dead"

Now thats a thing you know.

[Assistant] Fuck me dead, the Cunt’s right


[User] Subreddit Of The Month [December 2020]: /r/kirbymemes/. Know of a small (under 20,000 subscribers) humor-based subreddit that deserves a month in the spotlight? Link it inside!

[Assistant]
# /r/venn

This subreddit is for venn diagrams, mostly funny ones, but also informative ones.

The subreddit was locked by the previous mod for over a year. I've now been allowed to take it over. Please come and help it out!


[User]
My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3 years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100. I lost interest in that relationship.
I lost interest in that relationship.

[Assistant] I lost interest in old jokes


[User]
Ruin a movie title by replacing one word in the title with “Foreskin”
i.e. The Neverending Foreskin, The Dark Foreskin, Back to the Foreskin

[Assistant] Schindler's Foreskin


[User]
Man Walks Into A Bar...
Lucky bastard...

[Assistant] Two men walked into a bar.  The third guy ducked.


[User]
I still don't know what I'm wearing to the living room New Year's Eve
I might not even go

[Assistant] Nothing


[User] Subreddit Of The Month [January 2021]: /r/venn/. Know of a small (under 20,000 subscribers) humor-based subreddit that deserves a month in the spotlight? Link it inside!

[Assistant] r/memesthatdiedinnew :)


[User]
Let's go back to Myspace please
&#x200B;

https://preview.redd.it/zsomfdi2k9a61.png?width=1082&format=png&auto=webp&s=b1a9591283a18a2a303c18c96f1d13f1c91dbe4b

[Assistant] The original Myspace where you can customize your profile with never ending html codes! Yaaassss


[User]
My daughter forgot what an "English muffin" was called.
She's asked for an "American biscuit".

This is not a joke. It actually happened.

[Assistant] She’d have got an Oreo in our house then.

[Assistant] Can you adopt me?


[User]
My wife didn't understand why I was giggling
&#x200B;

https://preview.redd.it/hwtk7znls2c61.png?width=1090&format=png&auto=webp&s=83ccec6db81d7dd2f0767a0e99538c09c550afab

[Assistant] For people who don't understand: 8008135

[Assistant]
For those who still don’t understand:

    BOOBIES

    8008135

And if you still don’t understand you didn’t have a calculator in high school....

[Assistant] We were told that we wouldn't have a calculator on hand all the time so we're forced to learn to do math in our heads....


[User]
Yes we've seen mexican realism, but have you seen portuguese action drama?
&#x200B;

https://reddit.com/link/l3a3ot/video/xqk5bl7vb2d61/player

[Assistant] This is like a low budget high school version of Boondocks Saints

[Assistant] More like no budget.


[User] Subreddit Of The Month [February 2021]: /r/Greekmythmemes/. Know of a small (under 20,000 subscribers) humor-based subreddit that deserves a month in the spotlight? Link it inside!

[Assistant]
throwing this out there - r/JakesDoorComics

Teenage kid draws Far Side-like comics on his whiteboard.


[User]
Nickelback would have had a better halftime show than The Weekend.
Change my mind.

[Assistant] I'd love to see Rammstein do a halftime show, there would just be a smoldering patch were the field once was.

[Assistant] Prefer GWAR


[User]
Parenting Fail of the day
When camping on an inflatable mattress with your 4yr old daughter and she wets the bed in the middle of the night, remember that your body weight will cause all the wee to pool around you

[Assistant] Warm for minutes, cold for an eternity


[User] If Mary is the mother of Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God. Does that mean that Mary had a little lamb?

[Assistant] What do you suppose was the origin of the rhyme?


[User]
Ladies, I'm like snow in Texas.
You probably won't get a full 6", but when I come, you'll be covered in white, and I'll leave you largely without power.

Note: A true original joke. Feel free to help refine it.

[Assistant] You won't get more than a couple of inches and you will be upset for at least a week.


[User] Subreddit Of The Month [March 2021]: /r/Compilations/. Know of a small (under 20,000 subscribers) humor-based subreddit that deserves a month in the spotlight? Link it inside!

[Assistant]
Only YT? Too much traffic for me since I come from a (broadband connect?!) third world country in the middle of Europe.

I'm from Germany and I can't make any jokes. We suffer and work.


[User]
Fat ninjas are the best ninjas.
No-one has ever seen a fat ninja.

[Assistant] Beverly Hills ninja! We need more people to mention this movie so its not getting unnoticed!


[User]
Girl got her phone taken away by her parents and later her dad slid this under her door
&#x200B;

https://preview.redd.it/3spqnei2rdq61.png?width=640&format=png&auto=webp&s=6b10da750389f3b188bbae178b8e539736ecf5cb

[Assistant] Fookin' legend.


[User]
My wife put me in charge of buying a shower curtain
&#x200B;

https://preview.redd.it/apdzegjq8oq61.jpg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=7d3e8b82cade5fa89292c5c45db7a45ec63d528f

[Assistant]
Well done.

I went with the cartoon space cat eating pizza. I'm also no longer allowed to make decorating decisions.


[User] subreddit Of The Month [April 2021]: /r/Fakeprehistoricporn/. Know of a small (under 20,000 subscribers) humor-based subreddit that deserves a month in the spotlight? Link it inside!

[Assistant]
I adopted /r/MarriageMemes/ after it was abandoned and am working to wake it up as a fun place for the lighter side of marriage, whatever that means to its users.

Thanks for the opportunity to share this!

[Assistant] This one is funny


[User]
A poem I recall my father taught me over 50 years ago.
The bee is such a busy soul

It has no time for birth control.

And that is why at times like these

There are so many sons of bees.

[Assistant]
I learned it this way
The sex of a bee is hard to see
But he can tell and so can she
The queen of bees is a busy soul
And has no time for birth control
And that is why, in times like these
There are so many sons of bees.


[User]
Some English humor.
*Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says: „Do you know how to drive this?“*

[Assistant] English humor looks like this... Humour.


[User]
Watching TV my wife heard the term "trophy wife."
She asked me, "Do you like your trophy wife."
I said, "it's pretty good for a participation trophy."

[Assistant] That was the last time anyone saw him.


[User]
My sister n law turned my bros baby picture into an air freshener.. lol
&#x200B;

https://preview.redd.it/cqe050gigfw61.png?width=667&format=png&auto=webp&s=7c3b256e1a0d0183d74f8d57dfe011ab1b5638b1

[Assistant] That’s a yee yee ass air freshener


[User] Subreddit Of The Month [May 2021]: /r/MarriageMemes/. Know of a small (under 20,000 subscribers) humor-based subreddit that deserves a month in the spotlight? Link it inside!

[Assistant] Does a subreddit with one person count? Im just asking for a friend and totally not myself.


[User]
Just an average protein shake recipe
[ Removed by reddit in response to a copyright notice. ]

[Assistant] Heard protein so many times, that I gained 5kg of lean mass just by watching the video

[Assistant] No lean mass for me.  Just a Hindenburg's worth of gas in my bowels.

[Assistant] Can I offer you a match in these trying times?

[Assistant] And some protein?

[Assistant] Of course! But first, we’re gonna add a little protein!

[Assistant] That goes without saying.

[Assistant] What, the protein? Ok, but first we need to add some protein.

[Assistant] While they were adding protein, I added some more protein

[Assistant] Hey everyone. Don’t worry, while this was going on I snuck in some extra protein in that added protein.


[User]
Finally, a parking place for fat people who love BBQ!
&#x200B;

https://preview.redd.it/02i8chrdf0171.png?width=436&format=png&auto=webp&s=c18145c31d9c911af52c3e42b4fc27308e6d9f53

[Assistant] Putting the *baby* in baby back ribs!


[User]
George R.R. Martin on women in his books
&#x200B;

https://preview.redd.it/4ecq0tg989171.jpg?width=563&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=1470137e5dbb2b24d00d08fca4f10376ebc9a41f

[Assistant] I mean. Yeah


[User]
Dude farted himself awake
&#x200B;

https://reddit.com/link/nmsk6f/video/i7rec00tft171/player

[Assistant] Bitch please, did he really need an amplifier?


[User] Subreddit Of The Month [June 2021]: /r/drunkpeopledoingstuff/. Know of a small (under 20,000 subscribers) humor-based subreddit that deserves a month in the spotlight? Link it inside!

[Assistant] r/birdswithpants


[User]
my groot grew some hair
&#x200B;

https://preview.redd.it/8q36pmrhmj371.jpg?width=380&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=30e726fb620a06b249e999759469b37eb427d7fe

[Assistant] Lettuce admire groots new hair


[User]
Sign outside a Deli
&#x200B;

https://preview.redd.it/a9wumfqjg5471.jpg?width=1152&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=27ddd29633598ba87836c49e704c0fe3ce40560a

[Assistant] Lol. That’s grate!


[User]
Car in car
&#x200B;

https://preview.redd.it/8oxd5pym6a471.jpg?width=551&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=192d438616d3915983466749be37d64278df4756

[Assistant] r/IfItFitsItShips


[User]
I think my corgi isn't purebred, it's inbread.
&#x200B;

https://preview.redd.it/24rfdan3zo671.jpg?width=500&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=55fdc1057a641deebe31815d5c08a6318a97e690

[Assistant] That is one well bread doggo right there.


[User]
MarriedAF
I just asked my husband to bring me down a cup of shredded cheese.  Not only did he not bat an eye, the man brings me down a bowl of it!

Husband: “a cup seemed weird”

Marriage is awesome

[Assistant] How many weeks you guys been married?


[User]
How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him in the mainstream.

[Assistant] God damnit that got me


[User]
My fiancé and was playing Pictionary last night. This is what her "motorcycle" looks like
&#x200B;

https://preview.redd.it/nibqgrh0gjb71.png?width=1252&format=png&auto=webp&s=dac002550375b8ec03872867dace487d0c69bbc0

[Assistant] Pram!


[User]
Ask me questions and then edit them to make me seem like an asshole.
(I know this has been done before but I wanted to try it myself)

[Assistant] What do you think about while masturbating?

[Assistant] Probably skiing with my family in the Swedish mountains.


[User] Subreddit Of The Month [August 2021]: /r/yourpointbeing/. Know of a small (under 20,000 subscribers) humor-based subreddit that deserves a month in the spotlight? Link it inside!

[Assistant] r/threewordstories


[User] Dogfood-lid spelled backwards is dildo of God.

[Assistant] How high are you right now?


[User]
A squirrel won today
[ Removed by reddit in response to a copyright notice. ]

[Assistant] Squirrel: Don’t you say a feckin’ word.

[Assistant] Plot twist: falcon ate the squirrel and left the head as a trophy

[Assistant] Sounds just like my cat Titus. Although if it’s a squirrel he leaves the tail :/

[Assistant] Bring your damn cat inside.


[User]
Showed my "perfect" hearing test results to my wife. I should have read the comments first.
&#x200B;

https://preview.redd.it/73dwj4o7afg71.jpg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=bc3c894ed5647e3fcc00dbedd22532b8631e5cf4

[Assistant] We see this a lot in middle aged men; you may be suffering from male-pattern deafness.


[User]
My HOA hired a company to paint the buildings. Florida.
&#x200B;

https://preview.redd.it/r5go5ucpich71.jpg?width=6000&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=f63be447890bba48dbaad18f75406a27fc1611c4

[Assistant] You too can Save 15% with Graco.


[User]
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean

[Assistant] I'm begging of you please don't eat my ham


[User] Subreddit Of The Month [September 2021]: /r/threewordstories/. Know of a small (under 20,000 subscribers) humor-based subreddit that deserves a month in the spotlight? Link it inside!

[Assistant] r/newscorrections

[Assistant] This is great!


[User]
ITS MY BDAY TODAY!
My family forgot about my bday HOWEVER, I have gotten 3 emails (Sixthman Guest Services, Arby's, and some random dude from the bank.)And Snapchat. I'm dying with laughter. I know all of these are automated but it makes laugh!

[Assistant] Get used to it. It doesn't change as you get older.


[User]
Sorry, but I'm sick of looking at the Billie Eilish ad on almost every page. I don't need to know what Billie looks like when she's interrupted taking a sad poop.
Exactly what I declared in the headline.

[Assistant] I'm being assaulted by the flip phone ad every 5 posts

[Assistant] Girl, I dont click, I clack.

[Assistant] I've seen this ad so many times it's actually getting annoying

[Assistant] It wasn’t the first time? Also, I’m old - who is Toddrick? And why?

[Assistant] I have absolutely no idea. Left high school a year ago and I've never heard of them until I saw that ad.


[User] Subreddit Of The Month [October 2021]: /r/newscorrections/. Know of a small (under 20,000 subscribers) humor-based subreddit that deserves a month in the spotlight? Link it inside!

[Assistant] This sub- r/crackheadengineering.

[Assistant] r/cracktivities and r/redneckengineering are somewhat related and still active.


[User]
Since we're on titty viewing etiquette... My favorite from Colbert with Sarah McDaniel.
[ Removed by reddit in response to a copyright notice. ]

[Assistant] Colbert is a fucking national treasure.


[User]
Just been talking to an old guy, ex-soldier.
He explained to me he had  been exposed to mustard gas and pepper spray, it was nice chatting to a  seasoned veteran.

[Assistant] You should post this in the dad jokes subreddit

[Assistant] r/dadjokes


[User]
Due to nationwide staffing shortages…
Anyone dressed up as a slutty nurse for Halloween will be required to pick up a shift.

[Assistant] I actually laughed out loud. Totally needed after a long day.


[User]
Refusing to be COVID vaccinated, Ice Cube quits Sony comedy movie titled...
Oh Hell No

[Assistant] Who the fuck cares.


[User] Subreddit Of The Month [November 2021]: /r/cracktivities/. Know of a small (under 30,000 subscribers) humor-based subreddit that deserves a month in the spotlight? Link it inside!

[Assistant] That sub is funny but dead. Most recent post is 90 days old. Next one after that is 100.


[User]
What's another name for Pasta Water?
#Spaghet-Tea.

[](/sp)

^(*ba-dum tiss!*)

[Assistant] Noodle nectar


[User]
The next time you get a knock on the bathroom door, consider saying, “I’m not accepting company right now, sorry :(“
r/StupidIdeas *should* have seen it first.

Or possibly should’ve been the only one to see it at all lol

[Assistant] I usually say "Dave's not here"


[User]
What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?
A massive stomachache.

What, you didn't think I would make a pie joke on my cake day did you??

[Assistant] Diabetes. You get Diabetes.

[Assistant] RIP Wilford Brimley.


[User]
What's your safe word when having kinky sex?
I'll go first. Mine is "Rasputin".

[Assistant] Meatloaf. Because I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that.


[User]
My brothers way of parenting
My brother and his wife were explaining the basic differences between girls and boys to their kids (3-7) and my brother explained that the reason girls didn’t have penises was because they had lost them in the war.

[Assistant] Have you not heard of the Battle of the Bulge?

[Assistant] Nuts

[Assistant] Physically and historically accurate.  Great comment.

[Assistant] *bows*

[Assistant] No, tanks and artillery, mostly.

[Assistant] D- day took so many from us...

[Assistant] they had launched bombs filled with white gold... i luckily didn't get hit


[User] Subreddit Of The Month [December 2021]: /r/lol/. Know of a small (under 40,000 subscribers) humor-based subreddit that deserves a month in the spotlight? Link it inside!


[User]
Overheard outside a Starbucks
Guy 1: Check this out (showing picture on phone) can you believe this girl goes to our school?

Guy 2: Dude, she's in my class.

Guy 1: Yeah, but you're not in hers.

[Assistant] Thats definitely a quick witted shot at his friend.  Sounds like a movie is in the making when they make a bet who can turn her into the prom queen.


[User]
Texas word of the day: y’all’d’ve
Y’all’d’ve found this funnier if you were from Texas

[Assistant] I don’t understand why a word I use regularly is funny


[User]
Post your misheard lyrics and have people try and guess the song.
I’ll start:

LIVIN’ ON A PLANET

[Assistant] “PLAY THAT FUCKIN MUSIC RIGHT, BOY”

[Assistant]
Wild Cherry

“Play that funky music, white boy”

Mildly racist but we all love it

[Assistant] Ding ding ding! We have a winner!


[User]
Why do software developers get Halloween and Christmas confused?
Because OCT 31 == DEC 25!  Happy holidays!

[Assistant]
One goes “cock a doodle doo” and the other goes “any cock’ll do”.

Sorry, wrong punchline.


[User]
I am meeting a friend at the airport. I need help coming up with a sign to greet her with
I was thinking "WELCOME HOME FROM PRISON"

[Assistant]
How about dress as Lloyd from
Dumb and dumber and have a sign that says: Mary Swanson


[User]
I don't know why everyone says cancer is so hard to beat I'm already on stage 4
I have cancer if anyone has any harsh cancer jokes would you mind sharing? Morbid to most, hilarious to me

[Assistant] Dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old.

[Assistant] My guy 🤣

[Assistant] My dad has stage 4 cancer, and while your post made me tear up a little, i still found the humor in it. Thanks for posting!


[User]
For Christmas my wife got me a metal detector…
then went and threw a bunch of coins in the yard.  Not gonna lie, I felt like a boss for about 45 minutes!  Happy Holidays!

[Assistant] Keeper! Happy New Year!


[User]
My sister accused me of stealing her thesaurus
I was not only shocked, but also bewildered, dismayed, astonished and appalled by this baseless accusation.

[Assistant] Meanwhile, she was lost for words.


[User]
Poop jokes aren't my favourite
But they are a solid number 2

[Assistant] A lot of stinkers in this subreddit.  Ironically, this is not one.


[User]
To all companies...
Dear companies,

If you can't pay like Google , you can't interview like Google. Coding whiteboard, 10 interview rounds, presentations. This only makes sense if you are paying top of the line compensation!

Yours sincerely,
Applicant

[Assistant] Sir, this is a Wendy's.


[User]
i recently failed my medical school entrance exam because of nerves.
The correct answer was blood vessels.

[Assistant] more like belongs to r/dadjokes


[User]
What's something that feels British but isn't?
That's right, the contents of the British museum

[Assistant] Tea?


[User]
Terrible Neighbor
My neighbor pounded on my door last night at 3:15am. 3:15 AM!!! Can you believe that?! Not even a gentle knock! Lucky for them I was still up practicing
my drums.

[Assistant] Had to read it twice lol


[User]
[First day as a 911 operator]
Me: 911 what’s your - your - *looks over to supervisor*

Supervisor: emergency

Me: hey sorry I have to hang up we have an emergency here

[Assistant] This is so dumb but it made me laugh


[User] Subreddit Of The Month [February 2022]: /r/soccercirclejerk. Know of a small (under 20,000 subscribers) humor-based subreddit that deserves a month in the spotlight? Link it inside!

[Assistant] under 20.000? it has more than 200.000 tho


[User]
My wife's one of those women who'll use a quick flash of the tits, or the promise of a blowjob in order to get little jobs done around the house.
The plumber told me.

[Assistant] What’s her number mate? Asking for a friend


[User]
Church is kind of like a really limited book club...
That's it, just cracked myself up with this, sorry y'all...

[Assistant] Everybody pretends they’ve read the book


[User]
what does a woman and a chocolate bar have in common?
their pronouns are Her/She.

[Assistant] Both get runny when they're hot


[User]
Charlie Bucket’s living room.
My wife and I were discussing how to care for our parents once they have become too old to care for themselves. She suggested we “just Charlie Bucket it out in the living room”.

[Assistant] That asshole grandpa joe just laid there watching Charlie’s mom toil away, when he could walk the whole time.


[User] Subreddit Of The Month [March 2022]: /r/screamingfish. Know of a small humor-based subreddit that deserves a month in the spotlight? Link it inside!

[Assistant] I created this one years ago and it's only got 7 people in it but /r/corporatevideos could use some more!


[User]
Please name the worse song or songs to be requested at a wedding.
My best friends wedding is coming up soon and as part of the rsvp they asked if you would like to request a song to be played, I need ideas.

[Assistant] “Fuck her gently” by Tenacious D


[User]
What’s something funny you’ve heard lately?
My little sister asked my, fully functioning healthy, grandma if she remembered her first love and my grandma replied with “No I don’t remember anything, I have dementia”

[Assistant] My mother-in-law told her son (my husband) that she wasn’t there when he was born. He was 4 or 5 at the time. It took him years to figure out what was wrong with that statement.


[User]
I bought some cat food at the gas station.
The guy was going to grab a bag and out came out “I don’t need a bag, I’m going to eat it in the car.”   I told him I was joking but the look was priceless and I’ve been laughing tears every time I think about it.

[Assistant] On a sadder note a lot of poor people will actually eat cat or dog food because they can't afford anything else.. leading to malnutrition and other health issues that come with it.

[Assistant] I bet you're a hoot at parties...


[User]
Hide and seek
[ Removed by reddit in response to a copyright notice. ]

[Assistant] Dude thought he could just hide there until his wanted level dropped like in GTA. He almost made it too.

[Assistant] Well 5 stars with helicopter isn't easy

[Assistant] Five stars is the armed forces - this would be a 3-4 star.

[Assistant] Not in the most recent GTA game

[Assistant] You say that like it wasn't released 9 years ago

[Assistant] Shhh. I can pretend

[Assistant] I mean they ARE re-releasing it for PS5 next week. Is this the first game to be released for three console generations?

[Assistant] *Nintendo has entered the chat*


[User]
There are going to be people who think this week's warmer weather is because of the extra hour of sunlight
... and that makes a part of me both smile  and a little sad.

[Assistant] That's ridiculous. It's because there's an hour less of cooling time at night.

[Assistant] Lol, another smile inducing thought


[User]
Boss suspects I am high on the job.
My boss came up to me today and asked why my eyes are red.

I played the confused stoner and said that’s weird I thought my eyes were blue.

I thought it was funny, he did not.

[Assistant] I was asked the same question by a boss.  I replied “allergies”.  He then asked me what I was allergic to.  “Weed”, I replied!


[User]
Warning About Southerners
If they ask you if you want some "ass cream", chances are, they're talking about ice cream and not an anal ointment. Took me a second to figure that out earlier today.

[Assistant] As a man born and raised in Texas, this must be a Mississippi and further east issue.

[Assistant] I’m from central-eastern NC. This must be south of us, or more App Mts.


[User]
79% of the people don't know opposite words for the following:
1) Always  2) Coming  3) From  4) Take  5) Me  6) Down

:D

[Assistant] 92% of statistics are made up.

[Assistant] The other 9% are inaccurate.

[Assistant] 4/3s of people have problems with fractions


[User]
Things you can say in the bedroom and the dinner table...
Ok ill Start.

Daddy! Do you need help cleaning that up?

[Assistant] Can I get the bill please

[Assistant] I laughed so hard at this one


[User]
Now I’m a Believer
My wife said she’d leave me if I kept singing The Monkees Greatest Hits. I thought she was kidding…but then I saw her face.

[Assistant] I posted this earlier as a screenshot I shared, but the mod bot removed it.

[Assistant] I grew up in an era where this was a smash mouth song. 🤣


[User] I hate hotel bath towels, they are so thick and fluffy I can't even close my suitcase!....

[Assistant]
Stealing something that's been in contact with thousands of other people's genitals is kinda like stiffing a hooker.

It's pretty low, but nobody really cares that you did it.


[User]
My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions, but don't worry.
I'll return.

[Assistant] Hasta la vista, maybe.

[Assistant] I still love Vista baby!


[User]
The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her.
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women.

[Assistant] not bad at all


[User]
I’m not saying I’m attractive
But when I get naked in the bathroom, the shower get turned on.

[Assistant] I guess you're dirty, too


[User]
Why did Winnie the Pooh burn himself getting the pizza out of the oven?
Because he touched it with his bear hands.

- My 7 year old daughter made this up today. I found it funny.

[Assistant]
r/dadjokes is that way

I’m sure they’d love this one


[User] Subreddit Of The Month [May 2022]: /r/legalcatadvice. Know of a small humor-based subreddit that deserves a month in the spotlight? Link it inside!

[Assistant] Thank you!


[User] I found the 7th circle of hell. It's waiting in Cleveland for a delayed Spirit Airlines flight to Orlando for the wedding of your wife's coworker whom you've never met.

[Assistant] You coulda stopped that sentence at "Cleveland" and we'd still be on board.


[User]
Did you hear about the group dyslexic devil worshippers?
They all sold their souls to santa

[Assistant] I used to have dyslexia, but now I'm KO 👍🏻

[Assistant] When I heard about the new cure for dyslexia, I couldn't believe my arse.


[User]
What do you call a Mexican crab?
A pinchy cabron.

[Assistant]
What do you call a Chinese crab? A crust-asian.

I just made that up, how’d I do?


[User]
How does a non-binary samurai kill People?
They/(slash)Them

[Assistant] Post it on r/dadjokes

[Assistant] I don't have enough comment karma to post on there sadly


[User] Subreddit Of The Month [July 2022]: /r/cleandadjokes. Know of a small humor-based subreddit that deserves a month in the spotlight? Link it inside!

[Assistant]
Why does the mushroom get invited to all the parties?

Because he's a fungi!!!

LOL!

SpecialTy

[Assistant] Why did he have to leave the party? Cause there wasn’t mush-room!

[Assistant] lol! thats great!


[User]
What’s something you can say at a drive thru window and during sex? I’ll go first.
Can you please tell the person behind me to stop honking.

EDIT: holy, thank you for all the upvotes, never had this many :)

[Assistant] That looks nothing like the picture


[User]
Every night, the sounds of loud aggressive porn blasts from my neighbours apartment.
We’ve tried talking about it but I don’t care what they say; i’m not disconnecting from their Bluetooth speakers.

[Assistant] I see what you did there


[User]
#1 oddest compliment I've ever received: The lady at the blood bank said I have a nice color blood collecting the bag after my donation was finished.
Thanks I think?

[Assistant] Are you the kinda person who thinks the stripper actually likes you

[Assistant] She said she was going to meet me out front after her shift ended.  I honestly think she just got busy and forgot.


[User]
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”

Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”

Dude 2: “Brochure”

[Assistant] This is a good one! You should try it out on r/dadjokes too.


[User]
new 30's achievement unlocked: threw out my neck while taking a shit
I'm 36 and thought I could handle eating Taco Bell like I could in my 20's. Next morning I shit so hard I jerked my neck and now I can't turn my head.

Can't wait for 40's.

[Assistant] 50s - coughed, hernia.

[Assistant] I'm 38.  Farted, shit myself... and blew an eardrum.

[Assistant] My god


[User]
Just saw a shirt on a grown man saying "In my defense, I was left unsupervised"
Lmao 🤣

[Assistant] I have that shirt myself, and it sums up my life pretty well.


[User] Subreddit Of The Month [August 2022]: /r/PieceOfShitBookClub. Know of a small, humor-based subreddit that deserves a month in the spotlight? Link it inside!

[Assistant] yeah I think so I already joined in PieceOfShitBookClub subreddit


[User]
What movie would have the best title / tag line if you changed one word with tits ?
I thought that Bruce Lee's Tits of Fury would be in the top 10.

What's yours ?

[Assistant] ~~Jaws~~ *Tits*

[Assistant] "We're gonna need bigger tits."

[Assistant] Gonna need a bigger motor boat! Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrr


[User]
Ron Swanson Quote (Parks and Recreation)
“There's only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that's lying about being milk."

[Assistant]
Doctor:  Do you have any family history of mental illness?

Swanson: I have an uncle who does yoga.

[Assistant]
Doctor: how many drinks do you have in a week?

Ron: one.

Doctor: one drink a week?

Ron: one shelf.


[User]
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk in to donate blood.
The priest says- “I’m a type A”

The minister says- “I’m a type B”

The rabbit says- “I think I’m a typo”

[Assistant]
Funniest thing I’ve seen in ages. Every time I see the word “rabbi” my brain automatically adds a T onto the end.
And I’m a Jew.


[User]
Joke! Why did the man from Mexico double his meds.
Why did the man from mexico double his anxiety meds ?

To control Hispanic Attacks!

[Assistant] Why do women always go left?


[User] Subreddit of the Month [September 2022] r/Cowsbeingbros. Know of a small humor-based subreddit that deserves a month in the spotlight? Link it inside!

[Assistant] ok


[User]
Ladies - The next time your man tells you he is about to cum just say “rokay “ in scooby doos voice!! it should make him laugh and distract him!!
Tried it and it worked!! Lol

[Assistant] My wife tried this once, and she would've gotten away with it too if it weren't for our meddling kids!

[Assistant]
Comment of the day. You win 🥇
😂💀


[User]
YOU CANT BUY HOT POCKETS
YOU CANT BUY HOT POCKETS

YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS

YOU ARE EXPECTED TO SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF.

DONT BELIEVE THE LIES

[Assistant] Like the old George Carlin joke, why do they call it a "hot" water heater? Hot water doesn't need to be heated.


[User]
Just wrote this limerick. Now write your own!
The shortest dude in our town

A man of records, a man of renown

Was, at first, labeled smaller

'Till he proved he was taller

All he needed to do was lay down

[Assistant]
Your limerick was a waste of my time,

Not funny and not a good rhyme,

It made little sense,

Are you really that dense?,

Your poetry skills are a crime.

[Assistant]
There's no need to act quite so sour

Giving feedback; unconstructive and dour

But, I'm not going to cry

There's just stuff in my eye

Don't dare think I'm a delicate flower!


[User]
What’s worse than running with scissors?
Scissoring with runs

Edit: y’all I wasn’t asking a question 😭 I was making a joke. You know, the punch line, scissoring with runs?

[Assistant] Being ran into by the person running with scissors

[Assistant] Oof definitely


[User]
Conversation I overheard between a couple last night at the bar
Her: “I HAD a big black dildo and you threw it away :(“

Him: “well I mean you didn’t even use it. You would just get drunk and throw it at our guests.”

Her: “How is that not a use?”

[Assistant] no, no, she has a point.


[User]
Just caught my dick in my zip and it hurts like hell....
...no more zip-up boots for me

[Assistant] *We've got a bleeder!*


[User]
A friend of mine told me he’s going to get a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches, park next to a Chick fil-a and call it ‘Side Chick’.
Don’t steal his idea he’a gonna be rich.

[Assistant] ... Especially if he's open on Sundays!

[Assistant] Get the after church crowd.  Unless he is next to a Church's Fried Chicken.


[User] Subreddit of the Month [October 2022] r/messingwiththenewguy. Know of a small, humor-based subreddit that deserves a month in the spotlight? Link it inside!

[Assistant] r/rentnerzeigenaufdinge a sub showing old people pointing at things in german newspapers


[User]
Man, stop... People are looking
[ Removed by reddit in response to a copyright notice. ]

[Assistant] I thought people called them little cock suckers because they didn't like them,  wow was I wrong.

[Assistant] Poor lil statue boy. That trash panda is using WAY too much teeth

[Assistant] Sausage boy became bacon man


[User]
i think they should make a limo version of the Jeep Latitude and call it the Jeep Longitude
Yes. Yes I AM proud of myself

[Assistant] Latitude is a trim level, not a model, but you have a point despite nobody wanting a Jeep Limousine.

[Assistant] Why? We can be more trashy. There’s no glass floor


[User]
My daughter knows what she wants
5 year old daughter: "Do you know why I don't like to live alone? Because I like to do activities and some markers have a lid and I need help sometimes."

[Assistant] Clever little lady you got there


[User]
What do you call an alligator in a vest
An investigator 😂

[Assistant] The door is over there 👉


[User]
my wife told me I ruined her birthday.
I didn't even know it was her birthday.

[Assistant]
My wife got mad at me for sleeping with her best friend.

I didn't even know she was her best friend.

[Assistant]
My wife got mad at me for forgetting our 10 year anniversary.

I didn't even know we were married.

[Assistant]
My wife got mad at me.

I didn't even.


[User]
Today I calculated that I make about $10 every time I poop at work.
With my IBS, that’s $50 dollars today; pre tax of course!

[Assistant] You only make $5 an hour?


[User]
[ Removed by Reddit ]
[ Removed by reddit on account of violating the [content policy](/help/contentpolicy). ]

[Assistant] Most Texan name too: Colt

[Assistant]
Colt Rane

Coltrane

Wonder if he likes Jazz or Harry Potter.

[Assistant] That’s an L as in Lane. It’s cursive.


[User] Subreddit of the Month [November 2022] r/rentnerzeigenaufdinge/. Know of a small, humor-based subreddit that deserves a month in the spotlight? Link it inside!

[Assistant] r/GermanHumor


[User]
Why don't Jehova's Witnesses celebrate Halloween?
Why don't Jehova's Witnesses celebrate Halloween?

>!They don't appreciate random strangers knocking on their door at inconvenient times for a topic they have no interest in!<

[Assistant] I know you're being facetious, but the actual answer is because they don't celebrate most holidays, not even Christmas. They see holidays as forms of idolatry.

[Assistant]
This is r/funny not r/todayilearned

*edit: spelling*

[Assistant] Oh shit, I thought it was NoStupidQuestions. My bad.


[User]
A conversation I had today
(Context: I'm wearing a jacket indoors)

Other person: Hey, are you cold?

Me: No.

Other person: Then why are you wearing a jacket?

Me: Because I don't want to be cold.

[Assistant]
uR too kind ... i woulda said

"No, iM wearing a jacket dumbass"

(maybe that's why i have no friends?)


[User]
9 year-old daughter's 'compliment'?
My 9 yo daughter was staring at me quietly, I noticed out of the corner of my eye. When I looked up at her she gently said "your lips look like deer meat". (She said it was a compliment.)

[Assistant] Run

[Assistant] HAHA!


[User]
I got a lift to the eleventh floor, and as I got out
the operator said "Have a good day, son."
"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."
He scratched his head, "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

[Assistant] /r/dadjokes  material


[User]
The CAJONES...
I got an ad today for a Groupon for our local strip club.
Can you imagine looking a stripper in the eye and HANDING THEM A COUPON.

[Assistant] Yeah they don’t like cheapskates *at all*. I got throw out once just for asking where her coin slot was.


[User]
my son came home from daycare with a black eye, he says he doesn't know how it happened.
I'm just happy he knows the first two rules of fight club

[Assistant] I wouldn't worry about it, unless he gets really interested in making soap.

[Assistant] He keeps talking about his buddy Tyler, but I haven't met him


[User]
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
10-tickles

[Assistant] Better give it a test-tickle


[User]
If You Are Addicted To Seaweed
Seek kelp.

[Assistant] Sea kelp


[User] Subreddit of the Month [December 2022] r/ThickerGatorade/. Know of a small, humor-based subreddit that deserves a month in the spotlight? Link it inside!

[Assistant] r/ballsthatclank


[User]
If Christmas has taught me anything, it’s that “Gloria” has 18 syllables.
GloooOoooOOOooooOoOOooOOOOria!

[Assistant] Okay, how many of us actually counted on our fingers?

[Assistant] Hah! Same here.


[User]
a dark joke
Give a man a plane ticket, he'll fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane, he'll fly for the rest of his life.

[Assistant] Welcome to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces.


[User]
I'm at a coffee shop and the woman at the table next to me asked her date what type of rock he thinks he'd be
"Like sedimentary, or maybe igneous?"

I nearly spat out my tea.

[Assistant] Play your cards right and you’ll be (Mg,Fe)7Si8O22(OH)2

[Assistant] [Wiki link.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cummingtonite)

[Assistant] Unbelievable

[Assistant]
In my heart, I touch the face of God.

But in my bed, I'll be cummingtonite.


[User]
Pray for my daughter
She heard me yell to her dad "Hey are you going to be too tired to bone later?" and idk how she'll ever recover.

She texted me.  "I CAN HEAR YOU"

😲 OMG 😲
😂😂😂😂

[Assistant] Tell her to go to her room and finish her homework, and that you will clap when she's done.

[Assistant] Clap clap clap clap clap clap clap. “MOM WTF”


[User]
“Asparagus makes my pee have a weird aftertaste” - my brother
“Asparagus makes my pee have a weird aftertaste” - my brother

[Assistant] The wine has an oaky afterbirth


[User]
They have a word for everything!
Backpfeifengesicht is a German word meaning: someone deserving of a face slap.

Someone with a punchable face, as explained to me by a German speaker.

[Assistant] So, Ted Cruz then. Got it.


[User]
Does the gym stuff start tomorrow or Tuesday?
You know, with tomorrow being a holiday…

[Assistant] I’m going to the gym tomorrow to cancel the gym membership I’ve been wasting for the past year.  Does that count?


[User]
What did the reddit user say after detonating a bomb inside a bank?
Edit: WOW this blew up, thanks for the gold!

[Assistant] No interest here


[User]
My mom got invited to a Christian conference named Watch And Pray
This is real. She has no idea. And I was surprised. She said it in an abbreviated form too. It really is called WAP. She pronounced it as WAP

[Assistant] Don’t forget the bucket and the mop.


[User]
Men trying to pick up women on Reddit are pathetic.
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can discuss this further in private😁

[Assistant] I always wonder about those redditors who have usernames like PM_ME_UR_NOODS and wonder what their DMs are like.

[Assistant] Thanks for the dm you fucking legend! 😂  Perfect for me too cos I'm all about animals. I have probably too many pets by most people's standards haha

[Assistant] Yeah? What do you have?

[Assistant] Reptiles. Fish. Amphibians. Parrots. Tortoise. Got a big dog recently. I prefer animals to people lol. And they keep me busy

[Assistant] That's an impressive array of friends, honestly.


[User]
Favorite snack in every state according to The Onion.com
I can't even start the slide show yet because I have to clean up the water I spit out after reading the first one. Alabama: breast milk

[Assistant] Arizona: flamin hot dementia pills. https://www.theonion.com/favorite-snack-in-every-state-1849945767

[Assistant] They are all hilarious. Thanks for posting the link.


[User]
What do you call an empty jar of Cheez Whiz?
Cheez Was

[Assistant] r/dadjokes


[User]
What's a good "I'm... years old" in the form a news story that occurred?
I'm "Jack In The Box food caused multiple people to die" years old.

[Assistant] I'm we watched the Challenger blow up in school years old

[Assistant] I’m we watched the towers fall in school years old.

[Assistant] I'm we watched 9/11 from our cribs old

[Assistant] I’m I watched the towers fall from my office windows years old. Still remember thinking we are going to have to call the twin towers something else after the first tower fell. Shock is a hell of a drug.


[User]
What is the dumbest joke that made you laugh?
Mine is "What did the seal with one fin say to the shark? If seal is broken, do not consume."

Edit: I did not expect so much comments. Thank you! It is like having a comment page of dad jokes :)

[Assistant] People are typically shocked when they find out I'm a terrible electrician

[Assistant] Bravo

[Assistant] I'm planning on using that one for a presentation tomorrow after introduction myself. I'm an electrical engineer, which should make it even better


[User]
Comment your "yo mama" joke
Yo mama so fat, when she walked by the tv I missed 3 episodes

[Assistant] The world was flat. Then they buried yo momma.

[Assistant] Genuinely chuckled at this one. Surprisingly, I haven’t heard this one before


[User]
We should create a therapy group where we sit and eat pasta and talk about our trauma
And we could call it Penne for Your Thoughts

[Assistant] This belongs in r/dadjokes


[User]
JJ Abrams has some explaining to do ..
So a train derailment and UFOs flying in one week... Has nobody seen super 8?

[Assistant] Super 8 was actually filmed not too far from East Palestine BTW. Less than 40 miles away.

[Assistant] So its even worse than I thought..


[User]
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all watching a street performer juggle.The juggler notices that all of them seem to have a bad view, so he stands on a bench and asks them "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Si"
"Ja"

[Assistant] In Hebrew, "ken" is yes. So you can add an Israeli and get: Yes oui ken si ja.


[User]
Funny Dr Names
Any punny dr names you can think of?  Going to a costume party and need a funny name.

[Assistant] Acula MD

[Assistant] I went to the doctor, all he did was suck blood from my neck. Do not go see Dr. Acula.

[Assistant] I went to my Dr and all I got was this low iron deficiency and a need to rain chaos upon Victorian reenactors!?


[User]
Why is doggystyle illegal in Alabama?
You can't turn your back on family.

[Assistant] Did someone say family?

[Assistant] Dom Toretto??

[Assistant] I don't got family. I got family.

[Assistant]
You got family too?

I’ve got family.

[Assistant] You almost had me? You never had me

[Assistant] You never had your car… granny shifting not double clutching like you should

[Assistant] Nearly fried the ports on the intake


[User]
Dumbest hacker lol
My steam account got hacked (by ronaldo) and they changed the email and password. After recovering the account, I see 24.00 in my steam wallet. Free Money!

[Assistant] Yeah, probably from a stolen credit card. Or a scammed grandma trying to get her pictures of the grandkids back from ransomware.

[Assistant] not sure what to do at this point, i can't return the money