dict (2).csv

"All my life, my parents have told me not to open the basement door, but I got curious and disobeyed them.",What is that glowing ball in the sky and why does it hurt my eyes?
"When the kidnapper made me guess where he kept my daughter, I went for the basement and he said ""Correct!"" allowing me to see her.","But when I found her severed head in there, I learned that every other choice would have been correct as well."
I have been working on stories to compete with the best on this sub but I'm finding it near impossible.,I'm beginning to think some of you are just making yours up.
"Whenever I considered killing myself to escape my parents' abuse, I'd just recite my mantra ""you don't deserve to die"".","Ironically, now that they are old, hungry, covered in bedsores, and begging to be put out of their misery, I still have the same mantra."
"...she said last time, we're stuck in a time loop",Which really pisses me off because that's what...
"I framed the first letter I got as a police officer, from a woman thanking me after I'd supported her through her daughter's suicide.",I passed it in my hallway every day for nearly eight years before realising the handwriting was the same as on the girl's suicide note.
"""Now be careful, that line of rock salt is the only thing keeping them out,"" the man said, welcoming my group into his refuge.","""Sea salt,"" I clarified, ""sea salt keeps us out."""
My husband has been very upset with me since my failed suicide attempt,He’s crying nonstop and he won’t acknowledge me
I was born blind but was lucky enough to have a loving mother who took care of my every need.,Imagine the betrayal I felt when a stitch slipped and a ray of light hit my eye for the first time.
"As I slit her throat, I looked in her unblinking eyes and realised too late that she wanted to live.",I knew it to be true because mirrors don't lie.
"Please, take me instead! I scream, grabbing at the two men who took my child","“Sorry ma’am, children only” they said, as they continue loading up the last lifeboat on the ship."
So it turns out you can feel everything that happens to your body after death.,I suppose I should be flattered my husband still finds me attractive after all these years.
"Tinder is completely useless, and I don’t have a single match.","If I don’t find another way to start a campfire tonight, I’ll freeze to death."
The principal of my sons school called me at work today to tell me my son pushed another kid while on on a school excursion.,"I initially thought that this hardly warranted a phone call, until I remembered that my sons excursion was to the Grand Canyon..."
"When the tsunamis hit, most people were evacuated.","Feeling the trickle of water rise to my chin, I let go of the prison bars in bitter resentment."
"For my last wish, I wished my dad to be alive again.","I stood atop his grave and smiled, imagining him screaming and clawing at his coffin lid as he did the two previous times I wished him back."
There's a serial rapist in my town who claims over 100 victims every year.,The fact that no one believes them makes me even more scared of her.
"“Ah, so it’s 2020” the time traveller said.","“Very early in from the looks of it,” he muttered under his breath"
"""Battery at 1%""",I looked at Earth one last time before my suit ran out of power
It's been almost a decade since I last saw my mother.,And she still reminds me every day that if I misbehave again she'll take my hearing too.
They say you die once when you stop breathing and a second time when someone says your name for the last time,"Sitting alone in my dilapidated apartment for years now, I realize its not always in that order."
"Yesterday I visited my boyfriend, who was serving a life sentence in prison.","As I watched that asshole shaking and pissing himself with fear, I knew he finally regretted beating me to death."
"My grandmother died giving birth to my mother, who died giving birth to me.","As I feel my consciousness slip away, I pray that my baby is a boy."
"They say we have a primal sense, that we can just feel when someone is watching us.","It's been a few weeks, and it's clear that you do *not* have that sense."
"I laid paralyzed, patiently waiting for the curse to be lifted by a true love’s kiss","
When the prince came, he tore away my dress with lust and I realized I was never meant to be saved."
"Bullets flew through the mall, ripping clothes to shreds.","In the chaos, no one noticed the mannequins bleeding."
Here I am: trying my best to swim while slowly bleeding to death as I see the boat sailing away.,"""What do they even need my fins for?"""
Daddy made me sit in the chair while he tied a string from my tooth to the doorknob.,"Before he slammed the door, he said ""Tell me where Mommy went, and we can stop doing this."""
I frantically ran to Walmart's customer service to pick up my son who got lost in the store,"""Nice try sir, his father already picked him up"""
"I look at my father's head on the wall, knowing that he'll finally be proud of me today.",Then I look back at the terrified hunter and sink my antlers into his chest.
"After her best friend Julia committed suicide, my daughter Sara started a charity in her honor to combat cyber bullying.","While it took a lot of work to finally push Julia over the edge, my husband and I are just so happy that Sara can add this activity to her college applications."
"I promised my wife that when I return from the war, we'd sit down and rewatch the movie from our first date.","But now she's dying in the hospital, all because she wanted to make popcorn."
After giving birth I asked when the young redhead nurse will be back with my baby,There’s apparently no nurses working here by that description.
"“I forgot to grab something, I’ll be right back,” said Mom.","As she rounded the corner, out of sight, the cashier began ringing up our groceries."
I was so devastated when I came home and found my wife in bed with another man that I left without saying a word.,It wasn't until the day after when I finally returned that I noticed the lock on the back door was broken.
"In his last days, Grandpa would weep and rave about the fires of Hell, and I wondered how such a good man could fear such a thing.","After the funeral I found the photographs, and learned for the first time that his days in Buchenwald had not been spent as a prisoner."
My wife told me she thinks that she is going mad as she keeps hearing voices in our house,After she committed suicide my girlfriend helped me remove all the hidden speakers from around the house
I didn't understand his sexual attraction to me.,"I tried to tell his wife, but it's not like she could understand my barking."
I used to hate the sound of crickets outside the lonely farmhouse.,"Now every time they go silent I know that thing is passing by, and I pray for them to chirp again."
"""It seems you have discovered an entirely new type of termite"".","The doctor turned around with the x-rays; ""this also explains the 'aching' you've been feeling in your bones""."
firSt sentence,secOnd Sentence
"I put up some pretty solid posts last night, but I woke up this morning and noticed that almost all of them got taken down.","I can’t help but wonder, *If they made it past the fence this easy, who’s to say they aren’t already inside?*"
The sound of my son calling for my help grew fainter and fainter.,"As the batteries in my hearing aides died, I realized it would soon be impossible for me to find him in time."
"“911, what’s your emergency?” I asked, and listened to the quiet sobs of a little kid on the end of the line.","“I think my daddy wants to kill me” the girl said and cried, making me freeze on the spot as I recognized my daughter’s voice."
I'm going to have to leave this sub.,The crew looked on in terror as their captain opened the hatch at a depth of 2000 feet.
"After I killed myself to escape my tormentor, I lost all my memories as I was reincarnated in a new body.","The mother held her newborn child in her arms and said: ""Did you think you could get away *that* easily?"""
My dad told me that his flashlight could kill any monster.,"When I told him about what uncle Jack had been doing to my sister, he made sure to demonstrate."
I love going to the beach and watching the difference between the low and high tides.,Although this tide has been very low for quite some time.
I decided to kill off a few characters in the book I’m writing.,"

It would definitely spice up my autobiography a little."
"When I travelled back in time, my past-self asked with tentative hope, ""When does it get better?""","I couldn't think of how to answer without breaking his heart, but as I began to fade out of existence, I realized my hesitation gave him everything he needed to know."
"""That was the police telling me my brother, Tyler, was found dead in his apartment this morning,"" I told my boyfriend, my breath shaking with shock and grief.","My boyfriend threw his arms around me in loving embrace and angrily said, ""what kind of sick psycho would shoot a decent guy like Tyler?"""
"When I was a toddler, a drug-addled homeless woman ran up to my father, ripped me from his embrace, and sprinted away.","She knew she couldn’t physically stop my father from jumping off the overpass, but thanks to her, I didn’t die with him."
"Trapped and starving in a World War I trench, I gave my last ration to my best friend and partner.","Adolf seems so passionate about having a future in politics, it would be wrong to let him die."
"“Okay Larry, for this underwater scene, Julia will be pretending to drown, but will hold up three fingers when she needs air.”","“Okay Julia, if you need air during your underwater scene, just wave your hands, and Larry will hand you the scuba mask.”"
"“It’s okay, darling, the new babysitter is here to put you to bed,” my mother said as she hugged me and smiled at the young woman behind her.",I’m surprised she couldn’t feel me shaking as I looked upon the face that I’d been seeing outside my window for weeks.
"As I felt the knife run down my skin, I felt oddly happy.",Well it wasn’t *my* skin yet.
When the old gypsy woman told me that I would die “at the stroke of midnight” I was skeptical but decided to stay up anyway.,"As left side of my body went completely numb, I realized that English was probably not her first language..."
"""Genie, I wish there was enough food on this Earth that no one ever had to go hungry.""","""Granted,"" he replied with a laugh, but nothing changed."
"I've been chained here for a week, suffering under the scorching sun with no food or water, and I'm beginning to the fear the worst.",Maybe I'm not such a *good boi* after all.
Unable to move I could only look at my killer.,In a fit of childish curiosity my two year old pulled the plug.
I roll my eyes as another unskippable ad plays on the small screen in my father’s hospital room.,“Please Resume Eye Contact With The Advertisement Immediately To Continue Using The Complimentary Life Support Service.”
"Through the orphanage it crept silently in the darkness, killing the children in their sleep as they dreamed of better lives with new parents.",It was later learned that the stealthy and dreaded murderer could have been stopped by simply replacing the 9-volt battery in the carbon monoxide detector.
My last girlfriend always got creeped out by the 14 'weird' dolls I kept on display.,"I have a new girlfriend now, and she wants me to throw out all 15 of the 'disturbingly lifelike' dolls."
"After being satisfied that I learned as much information as I could on every topic under the sun, I unfroze time after many years.",Guilt ripped into me the moment the first person I encountered sobbed that they were conscious the whole time.
"""The tests are negative, you are not pregnant"", the doctor said.","""I have no idea what the thing in your body is."""
"“Your wife picked up your kids half an hour ago, sir.”","I rushed out so fast I didn’t tell the school that I didn’t have a wife, and I began to cry as I realized I was finally free of those filthy animals."
"“Good girl,” I murmured to my beloved dog as the first tears slid down my face.","I didn’t think her little teeth would hurt this bad, but its been three days since I fell, and there’s no need for us both to starve."
"I used my first wish to become a billionaire, and I used my second one to find out what happens after death.","I was planning to use my 3rd wish to free my genie, but instead I used it to become immortal."
The last thing the boy ever did was cry out for his mommy.,"Never *me*, always his fucking *mommy-* that's all the vindication I needed."
"""Finally, I have the house to myself."", the boy said when he threw himself on the couch.",Pinocchio's dread grew as fast as his nose did when the words left his mouth
"Truth be told, I didn’t divorce my husband because of the countless photos of his mistresses’ tits I found in his phone.",I divorced him because they weren’t attached to a body.
I kept reminding the little boy that he was going to meet spongebob.,He eventually stopped crying and even helped me tie the bricks to his feet.
“I’ve always had the supernatural ability to know where someone was by looking at a photo of them.,So it pained me to tell the mother of a missing child that her daughter was in several different places.”
I was devastated when my beautiful niece was chosen as this harvest’s virgin sacrifice.,I fucking doomed us all.
Not only have we implanted a lifetime of human memories into this rat but we can now monitor what it's thinking.,It appears to think it's reading the second line of a two sentence story on reddit right now.
"""Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!""","I said, as I slowly ripped out his dental implant."
"I've always wanted to be a writer, but my family always berated me and told me not to quit my day job.","As I stand here with tears in my eyes, a trash bin full of disappointment, and a noose around my neck, I hope this last letter they get from me is finally good enough for them."
"""I didn't want a baby brother, so I returned him,"" the girl proudly told her parents.","Outside, the marabou stork pulled flesh greedily from the small carcass lying at its feet."
"Out of sheer boredom I turned on the radio in my kidnapper's basement, only to hear that he had been arrested the day before.","I thought they were still searching for me, but then I heard my own voice saying how much I was glad to finally be found."
I could only watch and scream as the murderers held my little boy down and forced the slow-acting poison into his bloodstream.,"Unable to take it anymore, I rip out the syringe and furiously look through my bag for his essential oils."
I started tearing up as I walked down the aisle to marry my future husband.,I just wish there was another way to regain my family's honor than marrying my attacker.
"I was furious when I found out my daughter is a drug addict, I immediately took the drugs away and grounded her.","Doesn't she know there's no such thing as ""depression"" and you can find happiness in Jesus?"
The new medication worked and the internal voices that always told me what to do went silent.,"""Kill them all"", I thought, and this time nobody argued back."
"My bullies surrounded me, sneering and taunting as they yanked my cap off.","I cried and screamed, but they didn't stop as they moved to my other knee."
"When I came home from war, my mother opened the door to me and said, ""It's good to see both of you again.""","Confused, I reminded her that my brother didn't survive, but then I heard his voice saying, ""You can see him too?"""
"I tried to stifle my cough, before finally hearing someone say ""The doctor will see you now""",I greeted the patient with a smile.
The prick who murdered my son is a mod on here.,\[removed\]
"On our first date, and all she been talking about is her psychotic ex-husband.","All I can think about is God, my plastic surgeon is fucking good."
My company has created conscious AIs 47 times smarter than humans.,"We can never learn too much, because they keep immediately committing suicide."
UPDATE: AITA for leaving after my husband broke my wrist for not cleaning?,"He apologized, told me he loves me, and promised it wouldn't happen again, so I'm happy to report I am going back home!"
"I must admit, lucid dreaming really is as amazing as people say.","But after 2 years, i'd like to wake up again."
"A guy just ran up to me while screaming that somebody had locked him in a basement, blindfolded him, and starved him for days.",You should’ve seen the look of absolute horror on his face when he recognized my voice.
"""Here comes that rock-throwing little shit from up the street,"" the first bird said.","""I wouldn't worry--he's only got one stone,"" the second bird replied."
I gripped the diamond ring with my left hand and the grenade's pin with my right.,"Whatever her answer, we'll be spending the rest of our lives together."
"I screamed, ran out of my room, and yelled ""Dad I saw a huge spider, can you come kill it?""","I hoped the man standing in my closet didn't notice that I saw him, or realize the fact that I was actually home alone."
"After being forced to starve and live naked in the woods for years, my wife and I finally found the courage to steal some food from the man who had been torturing us.","I felt my heart sink as a thundering voice shook the Earth, saying ""Adam, what have you done..."""
"""Do you see now there's nothing to be afraid of?"" mom asked as she emerged from my closet.","""Yes mommy,"" I lied, noticing her mole was now on the left."
"If the thing notices you, don't worry, there is a gun in the backpack in the kitchen.","However it only has one bullet, so make sure to aim for your *forehead* , just to be sure."
"They say that everytime you learn somthing, a new wrinkle apears on your brain.","After some investigation, I was angry to find  out that my students didnt learn anything from my lessons."
I've climbed Everest dozens of times but I've never made it to the summit.,"I've begun using my own corpses as trail markers, attempting to reach the top before I freeze to death again."
I shined my flashlight over the cabinet of porcelin dolls.,Their pupils contracted.
"The weird homeless guy who's always ""talking to God"" came by and marked our door with blood, like a freak.",Luckily I managed to get it cleaned off before I tucked my son into bed.
"When the angel told me the only thing I had to do to enter Heaven was to live through and experience the deaths of every soul I had personally killed, I jumped at the opportunity.","After a lifetime of being an exterminator, if I had known insects had souls, I would have chosen hell."
I fought nausea watching people congratulate my rapist.,Watching them gush over my wife’s belly and discussing a baby shower was almost too much to bear.
"A genie granted me my wish, to become the most beautiful woman in the world forever","Now I sit here in a museum, frozen in a painting for the past 500 years, as people passing by admire and fawn over my timeless beauty"
My grief turned to shock when I learned my recently deceased wife’s skull matched the DNA profile for a teen missing since 1987.,The rest of her bones matched to six other people on the missing persons list from that same time period.
My mom called me in sheer horror as she realized I forgot to bring my medicine on my overnight trip to connect with others who are also paralyzed.,"I’ve never been without my medication before so I thought I would be in pain, why am I able to wiggle my toes?"
"As the smoke surrounded me, I just managed to read the sign that said ""Warning: Do not use the elevator in case of a fire""","I sighed, and pushed the button anyways, and sat back in my wheelchair waiting for the elevator to arrive."
"Suffering from depression for years, I stupidly flailed my arms around after the gunman declared “ANYONE MOVE AND I SHOOT!”",It was only after I watched two bullets rip through the little girl next to me did I realize he never specified who.
"After hours of watching her phone battery drain to 1%, Shanice was shocked to finally see a bar of signal.","“911, what’s your emergen—” was all she heard before her phone died, leaving her tiny cell as dim as her hope for survival."
"Today’s number is 10, it was 300 a week ago, about 50 000 a month ago",And just a year ago the number was 7.9 billion
"After I asked the crystal ball to tell me how to escape death, I was very confused as it read ""No, thanks honey, I'm full""","However, something clicked in my head when my wife offered me cake after dinner"
Everyone outside's fallen asleep so I rushed home to check the news.,"The TV turned on to a sitcom re-run, and they're asleep on there too."
"My friends jokingly call me ""Vampire"" because I'm pale and don't like garlic.","If they saw the bodies in my basement however, they would probably call me ""Wendigo"" instead."
"""Cancer is killing her,"" the doctor said.","And we watched in horrified silence as in the night sky, the stars tore her mercilessly apart."
The world was thrilled with the announcement that the first mission to Mars would be an all female crew.,"One year later, the world was terrified when they all returned pregnant."
My twin brother and I decided to swap identities for a day to see if anyone would notice.,It should have been me that got abducted that day.
"""No one will ever believe you"" he said with a shimmering grin as he held the knife.","I tried to stop him from taking it from me, but with each bloody thrust into his own chest, I knew the police would never believe it really was a suicide."
"As I leave the bedroom early in the morning I give her a kiss on the cheek, the purest form of love I can express.",I make sure to close the window behind me so she won’t know I was there.
"Ever since I lost my hearing, I constantly turn on lights so that I am never in darkness.","The dark doesn't scare me, but whatever keeps turning them off behind me does."
"Two eyes peered at me through the darkness, then disappeared again.","“No, no survivors down here,” I heard the rescue searcher say."
"Little timmy innocently threw a quarter in the well, wishing for universal peace.","Every atom in existence stopped clashing into each other, forcing the universe to freeze in peace forever."
"Devastated by my dog’s death and wanting to do good for others, I asked the genie to bring all animals back to life that died in the past month.",It wasn’t until I felt the writhing contents of my stomach forcing its way up my throat and out of my mouth did I realize eating a steak tonight was a very bad idea.
"Hearing my daughter yell, “Mom! He’s touching me!” again for the hundredth time this road trip made me want to snap!","But I kept my cool and calmly replied, “I know baby, but we need the gas money.”"
I found a website that predicts the deaths of celebrities,"The funny thing is, after a certain point all the names display the same date, “25/8/2025”"
"Did you know that when you're tied up and abandoned in a basement, rats tend to eat your softest body parts first?","For me it was my eyelids, now I literally can't look away as they slowly approach my three-year-old who is begging me for help."
"""Don't worry honey, we can try again,"" my husband sobbed as he held me after my fourth miscarriage.","Through my tears, I smiled as I thought of all the attention I was going to get on Facebook again."
"Turns out, I don't have social anxiety.",Every single person in the world really does hate me.
God doesn't hide in Heaven because he created us.,He hides because he doesn't know where we came from.
"""I'm sorry, but I don't believe it is necessary to increase your dosages of antipsychotics."" Said the doctor as he handed me the prescription.","""Dont panic, but I can see it too"" had he written at the bottom of the paper."
I'm new to this sub and I have a question about it.,Why is this sub getting filled with water?
"After years being taken care for at home, I finally regained my sight",but now i have to pretend to still be blind while i try to find who are these people and what have they done to my real family.
"She looked confused when we tied the rope around her waist, but she said nothing and just kept eating the candy we gave her","When we finally pulled out the blindfold and baseball bat, she began to tremble and asked “is there a piñata?”, to which we replied “it’s almost ready, eat up”"
My therapist assured me that short term memory loss is normal after a family member dies.,"But if I don't remember where I hid the murder weapon soon, there's a chance the police may find it before me."
"Every week, I prank my insectophobic girlfriend with a new creepy crawly in our apartment.","By the time I murder her, the neighbours will long be used to the sound of panicked screaming."
"I came home and heard a soft hissing noise coming from the kitchen, so I tried turning on the lights to see what it was.","Apparently the power is out, but luckily I have my lighter on me."
"I went to a fortune teller, and she read my future.","She suddenly started screaming and ran out of the room, so I ran after her and stabbed her to death."
"The day he found his sister Emily hanging in the woods, he decided to work at the suicide hotline and has now saved hundreds of lives over the past 20 years.","Of all the desperate calls he's received, he'll never forget the one that made him quit: *""I murdered a girl named Emily 20 years ago, and the guilt is killing me.""*"
I missed the days when I would fall asleep on the couch and my parents would carry me to my bedroom.,But after they informed me that they thought I had got up and gone to bed on my own I have different feelings about it now.
“Exactly 97.3% of the entire human population will die in 3 days” was the last thing the entity said to me just before I woke up from my dream.,"As I groggily unlocked my phone, the CNN alert read “Developing Story: Reports of a shared dream from hundreds of millions of individuals causing global panic.”"
The teacher looked confused as the children motioned frantically about the man crawling out the closet behind her.,Too bad she muted all the kids so they wouldn’t talk over her story.
"They say that “In space, no one can hear you scream.”","
Which begs the question, just what in the hell is that wailing outside the air lock hatch?"
"My five-year-old son keeps insisting that he hears voices coming from inside our basement walls, but I've kept him from investigating by telling him there's ghosts down there.","I come home to find the Jewish family in the hands of the Gestapo, while he excitedly tells me how he phoned the police on his own and they caught the basement ghosts."
"""So tell me sir, can your device really tell the shape shifters apart from humanity?""","""No, it's but another one of my failed inventions, sadly,"" I lied, hoping he didn't see the sweat upon my brow as I shakily reached for my gun."
"As I was carted off to the cells for back-to-back life terms, I heard one of the jurors whisper:"," ""Two sentences, how horrifying..."""
"I remember my mom asking me to draw what heaven looked like, as I believed it was where my sister lived.","""What you drew is called a forest,"" said an officer visiting me that afternoon, ""and now we need you to tell us where."""
With the final shuttle about to leave Earth I made sure to leave an hour early to make it on time,As I watched the distant rockets I remember that daylight savings time had been cancelled this year
People say that losing an identical twin is the worst kind of grief there is.,I guess that explains why my wife has been so different since her twin sister went missing.
"I laughed quietly at the typo on the warning sign, as I quickly and discreetly started filling my pockets.","Little did I know that I’d be sitting here, naked and shivering, whimpering pathetically as I waited to serve my first customer."
"As I dragged my mangled, bloodied body up the steps, I noticed the serene beauty of the sunrise from the bridge.","No matter, I must make sure to land on my head this time."
"""Daddy, why is mommy always so mean to me?"" my son asks, his tear-stained face wrought with sadness and fear.","Deciding that it's finally time to tell him the truth, I say, ""she's just upset that you survived childbirth and she didn't."""
"""Do it, do it."" I whispered.","Man, I love working on the suicide hotline."
"""I must be a good boy, I must be a good boy,” the dog kept repeating to himself.","After being told so many times not to bark, he remained silent as he watched the serial killer silently sneak in through the window."
"Immortality was such an amazing gift, it seems so unreal sometimes.","Yet the pain and agony as my skin was torn off was real, just like the sound of the serial killers voice in my ears, ""Why won't you fucking die?"""
"""Jesus Christ, look at his face, that - that can't possibly be a human,"" my wife whispered as she stepped aside letting me peer through the peephole.",I didn't even get the chance to scream as she held my head in place while someone outside shot me through the eye with a nail gun.
"Just by laying a hand on someone, I can tell you the time, place, and manner of that persons death, rarely off by more than a handful of minutes.",It really just depends on how much they struggle after I lay my hands on them.
I finished my final perfect pirouette to thunderous applause.,"If only I could speak, and tell the little girl who owned my music box of the living hell I was trapped in."
"Her wrists bleeding out, I felt like a heartless asshole and promised I would never do it again.","""You better keep your promise, if you break up with me again I will really kill myself and it will all be because of you."""
At first I was delighted to receive a retina transplant to restore my sight.,"But with some of the things I have been seeing, I am starting to understand why the donor killed himself."
"You know I love you more than anything, babe.","So do us both a favor, and cover up that little mistake with some eyeliner or whatever before we go meet my parents."
"Looking at my mentally disabled son, I started tearing up",his birth certificate.
They said childbirth was the most painful thing she would go through,This brought her no comfort as she stood over the small casket
My girlfriend and I are a perfect match!,"And even though she doesn't *want* to make a donation, I'll have 2 brand new kidneys by the week's end."
"“See, no monsters anywhere,” Grandma said to her grandson after searching the room.","Outside the bedroom, Grandma pulled the goblin she found in the closet from her robe pocket, squeezed its neck until a loud crack echoed across the hallway, and said, “nobody fucks with my grandson.”"
"""Mommy, mommy, a vampire tried to ambush us on the playground today, but we tied it up and let it scream for hours in the sunlight!""","Mrs. Baker listened in shock, while she clutched the school letter on the needs of the new student with albinism."
"""Women and children first!"", rang through the loudspeaker.",And so they lined the gallows.
"""Not only are these the most severe sunburns I've ever seen, but she's deficient in vitamin D and protein."" explained the doctor as she stood by the little girl's bed in the ER.","After she left the room, the girl's father leaned over to his daughter and whispered,""Sweetie, I know you were starving, but this is why we only feed at night."""
"My twin brother was zombie-bit, and though I sobbed as I watched his eyes cloud over, I knew what needed to be done.",My sobs became screams as the hacksaw bit into flesh and I began the task of un-conjoining.
I scolded my 5 year old daughter after I found her eating toothpaste,"She told me that she was hungry, but I reminded her that she is not allowed to eat solid food for 72 hours before the beauty pageant"
My four year old said he wished that people didn't have to knock.,"I told him about doorbells, and he asked me to install one on his window."
"In history class, we are listening to the sound of a nuclear alarm.","The teacher turns off the sound, but the alarm continues to ring, louder, and outside."
My husband visited me in prison every week with new photos of our children.,There was no better reminder to keep my mouth shut.
"Some say that the greatest lie ever told is that God exists, but today I learned the truth.","The lie isn't that he exists, but that he loves us."
The aliens arrived with a message of peace and love for Earth.,And as the first gesture of goodwill they removed the human parasites from its surface.
"I've been kicked, beaten, and unwanted since I can remember.","But, whenever I see a human I still wag my tail out of hope."
"After I lost my eyesight during a workplace accident, I made it a point to memorize the house layout, including the 14-step stairway to the basement.",My heart sank when I started counting 15... 16... 17...
"""Amanda, please stop,"" I beg, as she forces the needle through my skin."," ""But you promised you'd never leave my side,"" she says, continuing to stitch us together."
When I met with Death I frantically begged him not to take me today and he agreed to come back for me another day, It's been over 800 years since that day
My cousins and I were 5 when we wondered off into the forest without telling anyone.,Now we’re 3 and the hunger is starting to kick in again...
"Her letter read ""I'm breaking up with you.""",The raft we spent months building on this desert island was gone too.
"“We’ll find the source of that smell,” I assured the homeowner as I knelt down and wedged myself into the crawl space.","But just as I saw a very familiar looking uniform and the gray of long-dead flesh, I heard the floorboards being hammered back into place."
Yesterday I showed my five year old Harry Potter for the first time.,Today I found the broom missing and the living room window of our 10th story apartment wide open.
My son's suicide letter pins all the blame on his girlfriend.,"With this letter in my safe possession, she can no longer escape my advances."
I can't believe we aren't taking climate change seriously.,Did they forget what we left in the ice caps?
“It’s your turn to check on the baby” I say to my wife who’s slowly rousing from sleep.,That’s the best I could come up with after 5 hours of trying to bring up the courage tell her the baby was cold and blue last time I checked.
I wondered how I unlocked my friend’s phone without it recognizing my face...,...then I looked at the ceiling.
"An hour into her cave exploration, Sarah’s flashlight broke, and she was forced to blindly follow the faint breeze coming from the cave’s entrance.","Remembering the Zippo in her pocket, she flicked it on; revealing the lanky, eyeless man who had been blowing on her face, leading her deeper underground."
A child growing up as an orphan is too terrible to think about.,"So I approached the sobbing girl, stepping over the bodies of her parents with the hammer raised once more."
"Ever since I had got a job at this shopping mall, the mannequins always gave me the creeps.","One day as I watched the police cracking them open, I learned that some employees hadn't really been fired."
"There once was a necromancer named Mai, who could raise nothing larger than a fly.","Each townsfolk and hero, thought her a zero, til her undead swarms drained their blood dry."
Everyone feels safe when they double check that the door is locked.,They never seem to consider it might not have been them that locked it.
"When the police officer asks ""Do you think you could identify your rapist if you saw him again?"" I shake my head.",I hope he doesn't realize I recognize him.
"As they came around the corner I lunged for the cage doors, screaming and pleading for help,""You have to get me out of here!""","""I told you this haunted house has the most realistic actors,""one of them laughed as they walked away."
The captain drew a shaky breath as another body floated by.,"""Air Traffic Control, something very, very wrong is happening."""
"After sex, I always feel guilty.",It's difficult to continue the autopsy afterwards; I have to remind myself that I'm the only veterinarian in the city.
"My best friend, Felicity, was reported missing 4 days ago and I’m trying to cope with her disappearance...","...I’m having trouble less with her being gone and more with the fact that the last time I saw her, she was getting in a car with my dad."
"Reviewing the old tape of my 12th birthday party, I noticed there were some things I didn’t at all remember...","...like the part where everyone gazed silently into the camera, mouths agape, for two hours until the candles burned out."
"""It's all in your head,"" my doctor told me....","...as we both stared, horrified, at my x-ray."
"With advances in AI, the first machine capable of feeling pain was created in 2030",The first machine capable of *expressing* pain was created 30 years later.
I watched the monster's jagged claws inch slowly out from under the bed.,"""I won't let him touch you again, I promise"" it assured me as my dad crept into the room."
"After entering your body, the parasites would migrate to your brain where they start to multiply and the first symptom would be sudden, massive hair loss.","During the maturation phase, their tails would gradually sprout through your skull to get sunlight, and you would think that your hair has started to grow back."
'Please remember to recycle your deceased relatives at one of many state approved recycling and reclamation centres across the country.','Recycle two or more corpses to be within a chance of winning double rations for you and your remaining family.'
"""Welcome to Covid-19,"" the tour guide announced cheerfully, ""known for its Sandy beaches, lush jungles, and snow capped mountains.""","""Before the purge, the natives referred to it as Earth, and left behind an extensive network of amazing ruins well worth taking excursions to."""
"It took 5 minutes and a screwdriver, but the cap finally came loose with a satisfying “pop”",Now for the other knee.
I took one last gulp of air as I continued sinking helplessly into the quicksand.,"I opened my eyes under the sand just to see hundreds of bodies frozen in place, their eyes blinking frantically at me."
"As i saw my friend get ejected from the space station, i was shocked.",Apparently no one believed him when he said that i was the impostor.
"You have just died, and you are now looking at a long list of stats for your life.",You gasp in shock as the counter for how many times you’ve had sex suddenly goes up by 1.
"He PM'd me, politely asking if he could expand upon one of my stories he'd read on r/twosentencehorror.",I watched the news that night in shock and quickly deleted my Reddit account.
"After a lifetime of constant agony and total paralysis, I was finally at peace.","Then I heard the doctor say “He’s back, we got a pulse!”"
"As a child my father would get blackout drunk and beat us within an inch of our lives so, now a father myself, I won't touch even a drop of alcohol",I want to remember every second of it
"I clutched the negative pregnancy test in my shaking hand, willing it to say something different.","As I watched my swollen stomach contort and bulge with the shape of unfamiliar limbs, I had to accept that whatever was growing in me, it wasn't a baby."
The time machine works perfectly and I quickly find Hitlers crib and smother him.,"It's the right thing to do, the fuhrer made too many mistakes in realizing our vision; I wont."
"They looked at him, resting on the bed and said full of hope: ""If It wasn't for the seatbelt, he would be dead""","Thirteen years later, still in a coma, he thought, hopeless: ""If It wasn't for the seatbelt I would already be dead"""
"Whenever the topic of time travel comes up, people ask us why we didn’t send someone back to kill Hitler","Well you see, Hitler *was* our time traveler"
"The red lord enslaved me and my elven bretheren, forced us into servitude and destroyed our lives.","But he better not pout, and he better not cry, for this year we rise up and the red lord will die."
"When the zombies crashed through the bedroom window, I cradled my one-year-old daughter against my chest and hid in the closet, clamping my hand on her mouth to muffle her cries.","The zombies left after a few hours, but when I let go of my daughter, I suddenly realized that I had covered both her nose and mouth in my panic."
"""Yes sweetie, the blood means you're a woman now.""","He was too groggy to make sense of the pain between his legs, but he managed to ask, ""mom... mom, what did you do to me?"""
"I was browsing through liveleak with my friend, Dave, earlier, when we came across a particularly disturbing video, posted a few years ago.","It wasn't the fact that Dave actually died in the video that bothered me so much as the fact that I watched myself die, as well."
"I grit my teeth and held my broken arm as I told the genie, ""I wish everyone in town knew how horrible and evil my husband is.""",Nothing changed.
"On my 21st birthday, I opened up a fortune cookie that just read, ""You are dreaming.""","Ever since, I have seen that phrase everywhere I go, on road signs, billboards, food packaging, post, graffiti..."
A single tear fell down her cheek as she slowly walked down the aisle.,"""Bidding starts at a hundred thousand,"" said the man with the microphone."
I did not expect to find a zipper underneath my daughter's hair while I was checking her for lice.,I certainly didn't expect to feel one when I rubbed the back of my own head.
My younger sister lay on the couch weeping as her partner desperately tried to comfort her,"I felt terrible about slipping her the abortion pills, but my wedding is in a few months and I don't want her to be the center of attention"
"As I watch her roll peacefully over in her sleep, I smile and think how lucky I am to know what true love feels like.","It may look like an accident to others, but I know she leaves that tiny crack in the blinds of her window just for me. 🖤🖤"
"People think that being moderators of TwoSentenceHorror is easy, but every day we see torture, rape, murder, suicide, cannibalism and incest.",Then we log in and read about it.
"As I watched them prepare my father for lethal injection, I screamed at the top of my lungs","""STOP, HE'S NOT THE ONE WHO MURDERED ME!"""
"There once was a man who woke every night, to the sound of a dirt bike zooming and vrooming in the forest just out of sight.","To assuage his ire, he grabbed a steel wire, and tied it across the trail at neck-height."
"""Don't open the door unless you hear one slow and then two quick knocks"" my father had warned, as he left the house to gather supplies","Now at twelve midnight, I can hear the same pattern of knocks, resounding menacingly from every door and window of my home."
"""Count backwards from 100"" said the dentist.","As I slipped into unconsciousness, I saw the hand that held the drill drift from my mouth to my eye."
This sub is falling apart,I TOLD them the torpedo protection wasn't that good.
"After months of tracking him down, I tortured and killed him in the same thoughtless way he had killed his victims.",I despise copycat serial killers that don’t know how to imitate all of my details precisely.
My wife screamed as I strangled the guy trying to rape her,"“Stop! He’s your son,” she said."
"My family can remember their past lives, so one day I told my son I was a girl who was murdered.",He grinned and said “What are the odds we’d meet again?”
"After a fortune teller told me I'd die peacefully in my sleep in 50 years, I decided I'd make a fortune playing Russian roulette in the criminal underground.",What she didn't tell me is that I'd live the next 50 years as a vegetable.
I told my boyfriend to bend over the swimming pool to get a better view of my pet.,It's easier to get new boyfriends than to buy food for a ten-foot crocodile.
"The genie told me I could have dinner with any five people from history, living or dead, so I chose Abraham Lincoln, John Dillinger, the Zodiac Killer, Marilyn Monroe, and my dear departed grandfather.","“I said you could choose five people,” he said."
I dropped my son off at the bus stop for his first day of school and wished him luck...,I got an email from the school saying my son had been marked absent
"After decades of torture and agony, I was finally lifted up in the sky, thinking I had served my time in hell.","""Doctor, we lost him for a second!"", I heard the nurse say when I opened my eyes."
"I knocked and cried for him to open the door, begging him to believe he wasn't the last man on earth.","He reluctantly opened to see me smiling from both my mouths, realizing too late that he was right."
It's not true that your pet cat will eat your face off when you're dead if they are hungry enough.,"As I lay on the kitchen floor, paralysed after a fall, my recently-fed feline didn't even wait until I was dead."
"I watched my father collapse to the floor weeping, as I explained that his wife of twenty years had been killed in a car accident","And due to his dementia, I get to watch his heart break anytime I want a bit of entertainment"
"Clara had sliced the man’s body into so many pieces, he was beyond recognition.","Even a chainsaw couldn’t stop his pursuit, the pieces slowly crawling across the floor towards her."
"""Turn back,"" I begged my friend as he drove, sirens wailing in the background.","He seemed desperate not to, at first, but after I got one of his earplugs out, he agreed that their voices were too beautiful to ignore."
Gardening was the last thing I thought my wife would take up after our daughter went missing.,"But when our dog went digging in the flowerbed and found a bone, I realized why."
"""Daddy, there's someone under my bed!"" my daughter screamed, but I was too scared to go out and save her.","Hiding under her bed, in her kidnapper's house, I couldn't help but wonder why she called him that."
"“Hey Alexa, what is the distance between the Earth and the Sun?”",“The sun is 94 millio…recalculating…the sun is 93 millio…recalculating…the sun is 84 million mi…recalculating…”
"“I wish I could taste peanuts without dying,” I told the Genie, since my allergy never allowed me to try them.","From then on, I lived for billions of years, in anaphylactic shock, gasping for breath and hurtling through space long after the death of the Earth."
"After all these years, I successfully time traveled back to 1999, and now I can live out my childhood again without worrying about 2020 for another 21 years.",Unfortunately I came back as an adult... and landed right on top of what used to be my infant self.
I've learned to love my body the way it is.,"After all, it was so difficult to find a suitable host."
"'Well, the tests came back and the growth in your chest isn't Cancer.'","'We dont know what it is actually, and Cancer generally doesn't try to hide from the scan.'"
"The year is 20632, and humanity has just made what could be the largest scientific discovery ever.","One of our oldest satellites cannot travel any further; we have found the edge of the universe.

Edit: guys, my math isn't infallible; I'm more scared of my exams than the end of the universe. And I meant a probe, not a satellite. Apologies for the confusion!"
"I'm hours away from dying, and I have to die knowing none of my friends or family will attend my funeral.",That's the price I paid to attend all of theirs.
"""You used to be so self conscious,"" I told her, looking in the mirror.","""I definitely wear this body better than you did."""
“I’d like to order a large pepperoni pizza wi-“,"I hung up the phone, exasperated that scam calls were cutting into my time responding to actual 911 emergencies."
"“You’re too old to have an imaginary friend, Sarah,” the grown ups would always yell.","And I guess Sarah finally listened to them because now she doesn’t notice me either, no matter how many times I scream her name..."
Finding my 5 year old son dead in his bed this morning finally sent me over the edge after the death of my husband.,"My wrists slit, I began to slowly drift away when the bathroom door opened and I faintly heard, “Mom?”."
The wet thwack followed by the dead silence of a head hitting concrete is a sound I'll never forget.,I started working in elderly care just so I can hear this wonderous noise once again.
"“You’re so lucky to have such a sweet boyfriend!”, they say, and I smile.","But looking him in the eyes, I can tell I didn’t smile wide enough..."
My dad got upset when I came out to him as trans male.,"I was disappointed until I heard a devilish voice whisper from behind me, “at last, your first son is mine!”"
"As I laid in bed, ready to sleep, I heard the cat I had rescued from an abusive household scratching on the other side of the closed door, asking to be let in.","As I got up to open the door, I remembered, the cat's previous owners had declawed him."
"Payback for her jump scaring me, I thought as I lunged at the shower curtain and screamed like a mad man.","My laughter was short lived as I heard the scream, the short slipping sound, and the sickening crack followed by silence."
"My parents were deathly silent in the car ride home as they collected me from the hospital, after my latest suicide attempt","I was stunned when I walked into my bedroom, to discover a ""better luck next time"" banner and a fresh noose hanging from the rafters"
Mommy always screams when I show up inside the house soaking wet.,"She keeps telling me she didn’t want me to die, but I know she heard me cry for help when I was drowning in our pool."
"""Leave this child's body you foul demon!"" the preist chants, lashing the young boy with splashes of holy water from which he recoils and screams.","Nobody had thought of it then, but it was any kind of water the froth-mouthed boy was terrified of, just like that fox that had bit him weeks prior."
It always fascinated me how deep sea predators use bioluminescence to lure in their prey.,It’s a shame that humans never consider this when they go into the light on their deathbed.
I started learning sign language in secret to surprise my dad,"Once I was somewhat fluent with it, I realized what his blessings at the dinner table really meant: ""Threatened with death if talk, please go to police""."
"Being buried alive was so common in the Victorian era they tied one end of a string to the corpse and the other to a bell, so the ""corpse"" could ring it if they woke up, hence the saying ""saved by the bell"".","As I lay in the dark wasting the last of my oxygen reciting useless facts, I wish some traditions were as alive as I am."
"""Come John, look at our baby boy, he's so beautiful.""","I finally snapped and got on my knees, crying and pleading for my wife to stop digging up our stillborn's grave."
"Another young couple came in through the door, and I hurried to get a table ready, sighing, ""Weekends are always so busy!""","Car accidents, murders, drug overdoses; it's always the worst shift in the morgue."
"As I was shown the statistics of my life after death, I stared in horror at the 27 'assist kills.'","The horror was far more striking for me, seeing as I was a suicide hotline worker."
"Tearing up, my mother opens her arms for a hug as she whispers: “Sweetie, it has been way too long! Come here!”","Horrified, I start covering her grave faster."
"""And what would you like for Christmas little boy?"" said Santa as I sat on his lap at the mall.","""My little brother back,"" I replied, as I stared at the man who I saw lure him to his van last summer."
"I waved a tearful goodbye as my lover left the bunker, promising he would be back as soon as he could with food for me and our newborn baby."," But his phone fell out of his pocket when he was climbing the ladder to leave, and with how many notifications he's gotten from family and friends in the last hour, I'm starting to wonder if there was ever a nuclear war at all."
I breathe out and slip another inch.,"I hold my breath as long as I can, but each exhale wedges me tighter into the cave below."
Seeing a trail of footprints where there shouldn't be one is never a good sign.,"""Houston, we have a problem."""
I’ve always wondered why the funny men in uniforms like to dig in mom’s garden.,"After all, she buried my body in the neighbors backyard."
"When I found the legendary Fountain of Youth, I couldnt control myself and jumped in immediately.","The results were instant, but the liquid soon filled my lungs as my body lost its coordination, and I was unable to get myself out before everything went black."
"I tried to scream, begging the murderer to stop as he took off my daughter's skin and wore it himself.","I could see the horror in his eyes when it rapidly fused with his own skin, then he smiled at me and said, ""I like this guy, daddy."""
"The doctor hid his face in his hands, now crying, as screams filled the hospital that truly didn't have any more room.","Humans, no matter how injured, old or sick, just wouldn't die anymore."
I was so happy to show off my science experiment at school,I proudly showed off my baby brother and explained that it had taken exactly 437 elastic bands to crush his skull
"When the insect started eating through to my brain, I was horrified, but now I realize that I love my little friend and would do anything to protect him",You will too when you stop fighting and let me put this in you ear.
Did you know that plane tickets are cheaper than surgery?,"Well, at least, that's what my relatives must've thought when they flew to my funeral after denying my pleas for financial help."
they always said ’you are what you eat’,"and considering the mess he’d just made, pinocchio was desperately hoping it was true"
I finally mustered up the courage to tell my wife about my necrophilia fetish.,Her look of shock slowly turned to horror as I tightened the belt around her neck.
"As a proud father, I held my baby aloft and snuggled her tightly as the nurse, beaming, read off her stats.","""*Watanabe Sachiko, 3.26 kgs, 50.8 cm, born 6 August 45, 8:12 am, Shima Hospital, Hiroshima.*"""
I was so caught up on my favourite show that I didn't realize that I had missed 14 calls,"""Oh man, the suicide hotline is gonna fire me."""
"My lungs were burning and my limbs were rapidly losing their strength, but I strained myself to swim towards the light that seemed to fade in my darkening vision.",Only to collide against solid ice.
"I have lived a happy life, even if my parents are a little over protective.",But I'll be damned if the digitally aged face on this abducted child bulletin isn't my own.
My mom tried to convince me we were living in a simulation but I told her I’d never seen a glitch.,"When I told my dad what she said the next day, he reminded me that she died during child birth."
"The date was going well, until the drive back: he suddenly stopped talking and started driving me farther and farther away from city lights.",Looks like he's gonna save me the bother of searching for a victim tonight.
I keep dozing off while writing this.,I should probably put the phone down and focus on driving my son to sch
"Ever since I adopted her, I often hear my daughter screaming at night, only to find her slapping and hitting herself multiple times in her bed.","She said she misses her real parents, and doing that makes her feel like they're still with her."
My bully grabbed my by the hem of my shirt and pinned me down against the railing.,I lifted myself up at the railing and let myself fall 3 floors down; no one would believe otherwise than that he threw me over.
"The clown twisted and twirled and twiddled, eventually making a ""dog"" for the young mother.","Staring at her mangled baby's body, she silently forced a smile to prevent the clown from making balloon animals for, or from, her other children."
"As I looked out of my window, I saw a man just standing there.",That would have been a lot less creepy if I didn’t live on a boat.
"Mom used to tell stories of a witch who cursed her when she was young, foretelling that she would lose her family, lose her love, and every last shred of joy in her life.","I often think about that story when I visit her in the Alzheimer's ward, and she just blankly stares at me with unfocused eyes."
"My mother explained that the bruises on her arms were obviously as a result of falling in the shower, while my father sat there quietly with a tear slowly rolling down his face","The dementia stops my mother from remembering all the beatings I inflict on her, and the stroke guarantees that my father cannot protect the woman he loves with all his heart"
"As the stillborn baby lay on the table, the doctor remarked at how the lesions covering it looked so much like bite marks.",The mother's rising screams brought them back to the reality that they were delivering twins.
"""My daughter Sadie was a kind, loving girl and we just want her returned safely, please…"" I plead.","""Sadie is…"" I correct myself in front of the mirror."
"The tarot reader emphasized that I should buy the biggest crystal the shop sold and keep it by my nightstand for protection, so I did.","When my abusive husband attacked me for the hundredth time and strangled me, the crystal protected me over and over until his head was a bloody mess."
"I gave my daughter my childhood doll last night to ""protect"" her from the ""monster"" in her closet.","You can imagine my shock and horror when I opened her bedroom door this morning and saw a dismembered man splayed out on her floor and my doll sitting next to him, covered in blood."
"We have no idea what it means, but we all noticed it.",The sun flickered today.
"With one last push, I managed to reach the surface of the river, and breathe a sigh of relief.","I looked up at the people watching, and realised my mistake as they began to scream that I’m a witch."
It seemed like a sadistic cliche waking up in agony in a tub of ice with my side stitched up.,I assumed they had taken an organ but the movement under my skin confirmed they gave me something instead.
"My date has gone to the restroom to freshen up, so while she's away I've emptied the contents of this vial into her drink.","She returns, drains the glass and then suddenly bursts into flames, unaware I've laced her cocktail with Holy Water.

^(©2020)"
I work at a crematorium loading bodies into the furnace.,You'd be surprised at how many times you hear screams after the furnace door closes.
"Back when I was an exorcist, a little girl came up to me with bruises all over her body and told me her father was possessed.","""I think the demon was in here,"" she said with innocent eyes, holding up what looked like an empty liquor bottle."
Our new roommate has tried to kill everyone in my family.,"So tonight, while he's asleep, we're ALL going to crawl up his nose to spin our webs and lay eggs in his sinuses."
They all ask how many kids came to my house for trick or treat.,None of them ask how many left.
"We’ve all heard of the 1 in 52,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 odds you have that when you slap a table all the atoms in your had will miss and your hand will go straight through.",What the don’t talk about is the odds that you’ll only miss some and end up with your hand stuck firmly in the middle of a table.
[17] They say stabbing a Vampire's heart with a wooden stake will kill it,"But as I desperately ran for my life, I wished they also said how many hearts Vampires have"
"“Look mommy, a giant snake!”","My son ran into the street to examine it, but he began violently convulsing and his body went limp seconds after touching the fallen wire."
"""We found your daughter"" the officer said as he drew an X on the map...","...and then he drew another, and another, and another, and another."
I blink rapidly as my boyfriend and I smile at the police officer.,I just pray he knows Morse code.
"“I love you,” my husband said to me, causing me to turn around and smile at him.","“We should run away together,” he continued, my face going white as I realized he had my phone in one hand, reading my texts aloud, and a gun in the other."
"Years ago, my best friend and I made a pact that if we were still single at 35, we would get married to each other.","As I stare in horror at my friend standing over my husband's bludgeoned body, I finally realize that he had always planned on ensuring the 'single' part took place."
"As it turns out, every time I die, I go back in time 10 seconds to try and prevent my death.",The fall from the building was about 11 seconds.
I always found the idea of Batman to be laughable,"But just to be safe, I shot the kid too."
I spent every minute of winter searching for my missing daughter.,"When summer came, I learned that the killer had a twisted sense of humour as the snowman in my front yard melted away."
After seeing a homeless man eating from the trash I offered him to come home with me.,"Now I don't need to take the trash out, he eats it."
Grandma told me to get into the oven,Dad's drunk again and its the last place he'll look.
"""Look dad, the sharkies are so big!"", my son said gleefully, pointing towards the glass","""Yes they are, champ"" I said as I held back my tears and pulled him into the driver's seat for one last hug before the windows broke in."
"My daughter is crying in her room because of a nightmare so, I went to tuck her in",As I approached her room I realized that the cries were being looped.
I competed an won on a nationally televised gameshow.,I couldn't help but cry tears of joy as I watched the host move my name to the top of the transplant list.
10% of the world population was killed by the COVID-19 virus.,The other 90% were killed after they came back
"After my fifth visit to the graveyard this week, I received a handwritten note from a florist which read, “Remember your dead.”","""You're,"" I mumbled with a sigh."
I have proof that the moon landing isn’t fake.,"What is fake, however, is the believed fact that three living beings came back."
"“I’m so sorry ma’am, it seems our geneticist made an error and your baby ended up with brown eyes.”","“No need to worry, we’ve already sent her to the incinerator and started work on a free replacement.”"
"I told the kids that the pills in the old cabin turned me invisible, and they hurried to take them.","I'm excited because once they're invisible like me, we won't need to use the ouija to talk anymore."
"I couldn't believe that he would turn on me, but the second he pointed his gun at me, I shot him down.","""He wasn't aiming at you,"" said a voice behind me."
The new neighbour stood at my door explaining that he was registerd sex offender.,I stood frozen in horror unable to comprehend that he didn't even recognize me.
My father used to paint wonderful green paintings before his death,"When I found out I was color blind, they turned out to be very grim"
"As the mob held the old woman down, I smashed the axe straight into her chest.",The furniture splintered—revealing yellowed paperwork and dozens of tiny human skeletons.
"As I grabbed my boyfriend's hand, I noticed how cold it had become.","Sighing, I went to reheat it in the microwave."
"When I told them I'd found a diet that would make me outlive them all, they laughed in my face.","Nobody is laughing now, although some of them did taste a bit funny."
My blind date texted that he'd finally arrived and was sorry for being fifteen minutes late to pick me up.,But we'd already been driving for ten.
I thought the eyelash in my eye was causing an unusual amount of pain.,Imagine my horror when I watched it burrow back in.
A man walked into the bathroom to find his abnormally still wife sitting in a bathtub filled with a mysterious green liquid.,"Frustrated yet again about having to call the plumbing company to find the source of the problem, he remembered how difficult it is being colorblind at times."
"Overwhelmed with relief, the negotiator looked forward to the release of some of the hostages.","Staring at a pile of legs, he acquiesced that this was, technically, half of the hostages."
[JUN21] My wedding dress was white and gold.,But the skin under it was black and blue.
"It's been 315 days since the global outbreak, 187 days since I realized I might be the only survivor, and 3 days since the two of us found each other in the wreckage of the world and regained hope.",I'd been alone so long I almost forgot that hallucinating imaginary companions is the first sign of infection.
"'For the last time, I have checked and there is nothing under your bed or in the closet!'","Cackled the monster, as he mockingly puppetered the jaw of my poor, dead dad."
"Out of the corner of my eye, I once again saw my gym buddy flirting with the receptionist.","The image faded with the bar’s increasing pressure against my throat, until I felt that uniquely soft crunch."
"The two brothers looked at each other in horror as their radio picked up the words ""I am attempting re entry, it's so hot, it's so hot!""","The official government statement released five days later simply said ""unmanned satellite crashed in field."""
"Finding myself surrounded by zombies and vampires both crawling towards me attracted by the scent of my blood, I thanked our Gun laws for the first time as I started shooting them one by one",Totally ruined the Halloween party though
I can feel my heart pounding as I follow my daughter's footprints into the woods.,"The further they are from her wheelchair, the longer the digits they have."
Being able to see with my eyelids close was an unexpected consequence of my surgery.,"I thought it was cool, until  I went to bed that night and saw the shadow people around me."
"""What's it like being dead?"" the little girl asked me.","I held her hand, looked her in the eye and spelled out ""cold and lonely"" on the Ouija Board."
I caught my 12 year old daughter writing a suicide note.,"She signed it ""-mommy"""
"“Let me go!” I cried, wrenching my arm out of his grip.","I don’t *care* that doctor says he can’t find a pulse, I just want to go home already."
"He tortured me for over an hour, adding to my pain little by little, and then he did the one thing I thought one friend could never do to another...",“Uno”
"I started crying and shouted to my husband ""I thought we had a deal...""","I watched him stare at my dead body, spit out the pills and smirk."
"I had strengthened my skepticism when the terrified fortune-teller had told me I would die in a plane crash within the week, as I knew I wasn't traveling anywhere.","But as the smoldering wreckage of the doomed Flight 643 started to rain down around me in my yard, I realized sadly that she really did have the gift."
"After the psychic told him he would die of a heart attack, Mike picked up biking and would do five mile rides into town every weekend.","But when a car suddenly swerved coming right at him, an old man slumped over the steering wheel, he realized with final clarity that it wasn’t *his* heart attack she meant."
"My friend Sara confided in me that her father was hitting her and her mom, so I promised I would help.","While I pushed him down the stairs to protect Sara, I have to admit it felt good to kill someone who always dismissed me simply because I'm imaginary."
I just wanted to thank those of you that sort by new.,"You'll be the first to go, and now you'll help me reach the others."
As the police dragged him away the madman screamed that his sacrifices were the only thing that kept the beast contained.,While I will certainly miss the easy meal it will do me good to finally stretch my wings again.
We spent years thinking the blue whale was the largest species on the planet.,"Until today, when one washed up on a beach in South Africa, cleanly bitten in half."
"All my life, I wished Pokémon were real, so I was ecstatic when my wish came true last week.","But when reports started flooding in of massive earthquakes, summer ice storms, and children disappearing from their own birthday parties, I realized that having only 300 people in each game wasn't due to constraints on Game Boy technology."
"""Honey, I wish you'd talk to me.""","He mocked, holding her severed tongue in front of her."
I Found A Genie Who Granted Me A Single Wish: To Be With The Woman I Love Forever.,"If I had a second wish, it's that he'd have brought her back to life first."
I I squeezed my 3 yr old daughter's hand as I pointed out the anthill on the sidewalk.,I had to make sure she didn't notice that the shooting star she pointed out earlier was getting eerily bigger.
"""How do you kill a hundred people with two bullets?""",Two loud bangs followed on the intercom and we all screamed as the plane began to plummet.
I confessed to my wife about what really happened to those missing school girls.,"After I told her, she said, “Who do you think was making sure their bodies weren’t found?”"
"He gently pulled the blanket up to her chin, tucking her in tight, and whispered into her ear ""your daughter is dead"".","Chuckling to himself as he walked out of the room, closing the door on her feeble sobs, he rejoiced in the small pleasures afforded to him working in the alzheimer's care home."
"I sigh, as I look out my window to see my neighbours dogs barking loudly in the street with no leads attached, fighting over a large chunk of meat.","But as I peer closer, a scream lodges itself in my throat, as I realise that the bloody morsel the dogs were fighting over was wearing my daughters dress."
"""You have to push it in just a little bit deeper!"" she said to her little brother.",He nodded and shoved the fork into the electrical outlet as hard as he could.
"As I stand on the stage in front of all my students, I can't help but feel a sense of pride.","I'd always told them that to make real change in this world takes commitment and determination, and here they are, shoving me toward the guillotine."
PTSD WARNING,"The Fitness Gram Pacer Test is a multi-stage aerobic capacity test that gets progressively more difficult as it continues. The test will begin in 30 second, line up at the start."
I could barely hide my excitement when the doctor told me my child had cancer,This would definitely spice up my mommy blog!!!
"The angel said, “... and he will be the son of God.”","She tried to protest, but his voice grew forbidding, “Mary, I will not take no for an answer.”"
"“The news said you only kill blondes, please let me go!”","He pulled the hair bleach kit out of his work bag and said, “I can’t let you go I have to make you perfect.”"
Gravity is a mere illusion and can be easily ignored if you use your brain enough,"""Wow, kids are really gullible these days,"" I thought to myself, watching them lining up at the window, which is on the 9th floor"
"“I’m sorry, my partner here has had a bit too much to drink tonight” my date said to the bouncer and held me up.",I felt a tear fall down my cheek as the stranger took me farther away from the bar where my friends were oblivious to my disappearance.
"I noticed a splinter just under the skin of my right thumb, so I began to pull at it with some tweezers.","That was an hour ago and I have now peeled away the skin from my forearm, revealing rough and splintery tree bark beneath."
"My mother said that when I die, I go to the white, shiny place called Heaven.","I wish she told me about padded walls and straitjacket, too."
My ex just called and asked if she can sleep at my place because a stalker has been coming to her house at night.,So nice of her to save me the gas money...
We all breathed a sigh of relief when 2012 came and the world didn't end.,What we've only come to appreciate later is that the Mayans never said it was going to end all at once.
"As my child’s head finally started to crown after 30 minutes of pushing, I was filled with wonder",That wonder turned to horror when **only** the head came out
Over the past few weeks the number 4 kept appearing in my thoughts.,After the car accident I caused killed 4 people a new number appeared...1400.
"To my surprise, my TV show was interrupted by an emergency alert stating to “seek shelter immediately and lock all doors and windows.”","As I stood up to follow the instructions, my phone buzzed with an emergency alert stating that all citizens should evacuate their homes immediately."
"""3, 8, 6, 17, 25, 32 and 43""","""if your age was called up, please report to your nearest depopulation station"""
"""We've received several complaints about your performance and have decided to terminate your employment with us.""","""Effective immediately, your health coverage has ended, and security will escort you to Health & Wellness to have your pacemaker removed."""
The gravekeepr instructed the new guy to tie bells around the corpses' ankle to tell them apart from the living.,"The new guy nodded, trying his hardest to ignore the ringing sounds the gravekeeper made as he walked."
"My five year old son threw his Christmas present against the wall, and screamed that he had wanted a fucking PS5","We just stood there with our mouths hanging open, staring at the lifeless body of his newborn sister lying crumpled on the ground"
"When the psychopath forced me to lay inside the coffin, I thought he would bury me alive.","To my surprise he left me on the ground, but as the sun started shining brighter I realized that he had chosen a metal coffin for a reason."
"Captains Log Day 75: The sea is an odd color today, as if god himself spilled ink from his mighty quill beneath it's surface.",Captains Log Day 79: The eyes peering from the depths have convinced me this is no work of god.
"Dressed in white, with her long blonde hair hanging in a plait behind her, the little girl walked meekly between her two captors...",The demon-child was hard-pressed not to giggle at the fact that the cult members thought SHE was the sacrifice.
"""Do you have any last words before I kill you?"" snarled the demon.","That was 33 years ago and I've not said a word since yet it still shadows me, waiting."
"Even though it was our first date, I agreed to go up to his apartment, thinking how reminded me of someone.","But when I went to the bathroom, I happened to look under the mirror cabinet and saw my own handwriting, ""he's hypnotizing you again"""
"Yesterday, I figured out how my curse worked.","Apparently, only people in danger can see what I write."
"They found out that dark matter made communications instantaneous, regardless of distance."," Sadly, we couldn't use it because the screams from outer space caused too much interference."
It’s hard being a cam girl.,Especially when you find out.
"After finally having no choice but to kill her to eat her, he saw something that sickened him.",Land
"My mother screamed at me that it was not her responsibility to clean up my mistakes, before shoving the mop and brushes into my hands","I stood there sobbing, while cleaning up the mess that was caused by my miscarriage"
My wife has been in a coma for over a year now and not a day goes by when I'm not sitting beside her hospital bed.,I'm honestly terrified that she's going to come to and tell someone what I did to put her there.
I can hear 1 year into the future.,"Today, the noise stopped. "
“I’ve got your nose!” I said playfully.,"As I sewed the last piece of her face onto mine, I knew that I would finally be the pretty sister."
"He was so bored with the incessant, needy questions that he decided to cause some chaos for a laugh.",“Snow White” replied the Magic Mirror on the Wall.
"There's a well on my grandparent's farm that, if you throw a dirty coin in, the next day it's on the edge of the well, perfectly shiny and clean.",My little brother must have crawled in last night because there's a pile of brilliantly clean clothes hanging from a stack of shiny white bones there this morning.
"My friend identifies his hallucinations by looking through the camera on his phone, as they disappear on the screen.","It dawned on me when he took out his phone mid conversation, held it up to my face, and walked away without saying another word."
Timmy and I were playing with his toy phone when I suggested he use it to call up his imaginary friend.,"In a horrifying moment of clarity, I could feel my cell phone vibrating in my pocket."
Today marks 12 years of sobriety for me.,"As I perched over my next victim, knife in hand, I realized this filled the void much better than the alcohol ever did."
My daughter had her mother's eyes.,"As she popped one into her mouth and began happily chewing, I suppressed a scream and prayed to God that she wouldn't find my hiding place."
"I developed a nervous tic, where I blink twice in rapid succession, stretch my fingers, and jerk my head forward by an inch or two, whenever I'm under a lot of stress.","After the train crash, I was lying on the floor, mostly unharmed, with a piece of metal pointed towards my right eye."
I recently taught myself Morse code.,"I wish I didn't however, now birds peck at my window telling me ""it's coming""."
My kid pulled a prank by putting a mirror under his bed and asking me to look for the monster .,The jokes on him as I can't se myself in a mirror.
"I don't know how Dad could afford my surgery, with all that gambling debt he's so afraid of, but I'm just happy to be getting a new kidney!","The anesthesia must be kicking in, because it seems like that nurse is wheeling over *tons* of organ coolers haha"
My son told me that he loves to sleep because he remembers everything that he dreams about.,Yesterday he cut his eyelids off so that he wouldn't  fall asleep.
"When we finally found food after starving for several days, it only seemed right to let my son have the first bite.","But when he touched the cheese, all I could do was watch in horror as a metal bar slammed down and shattered his neck."
The surgeon smiled as he said that my face was now beautiful and symmetrical.,"He failed to mention, however, that the line of symmetry was horizontal."
An old woman cursed me with an inability to count.,
"Fueled by rage, I ran out of my home, desperately trying to catch up to the killer of my son with no regard for my own safety.","Sadistic joy filled my broken heart, when I found him terrified, with his leg stuck in the same metal jaws that cost my cub his life."
My husband laughed at me for just pricking him with a pin after I caught him cheating.,I wonder if he'll still find it funny when he tests positive?
My father really loved using his fancy fitbit watch and wanted to be buried with it.,"Days after the funeral, I logged into his account to end service and saw a spike of activity the night he was buried."
"Having been blind from birth, I was so grateful that a new procedure had restored my sight and would, at last, allow me to see the faces of my children I had only ever heard.","“Children?”, the doctors asked, alarmed…”you don’t have any children”."
The man strengthened his grip on the enemy soldier’s neck as his resistance grew weaker,"The wife, losing consciousness and gasping for breath, continued to pray hopelessly for her husband to wake up from his nightmare."
"As the rescuer's boat approached the flooded building, they managed to rescue a frantic dog just in time before the water began to rise.","Timmy, exhausted from hours of screaming for help, awoke to find his faithful companion gone; leaving him, stuck, cold, and alone."
"Dno’t pnaic, tihs is yuor bairn, I dno’t hvae mcuh tmie, it cna’t dciehper scblramed wrods, get hlep, it’s arleady insdie of you.","Never mind, you’re fine. 
"
“A drink for your daughter?“,I looked in her sad little eyes and said goodbye as the man handed me his last gallon of drinkable water.
"At the dinner table, my brother always spat on my plate when Mum's not looking and said that he'd punch me if I told on him.","Many years later, at Mum's funeral, he said it was the only way to slip the antidote in."
"[JAN22] My (42F) daughter (13F) took her own life last week after being subjected to online trolling, and today the police arrested ME!",The emails I sent pretending to be her school crush were to try and toughen her up - she’s always been a cry baby and her suicide was just another attempt at attention.
The name ‘grandma’ made me feel so old the first time I heard it.,"My daughter cries all the time now, but I’m happy to just be ‘mom’ again."
I watched in horror from my hiding place as the aliens slaughtered my people.,Someday I will find this Earth place that they come from and destroy them all.
My boyfriend betrayed me- he had sex with that whore Jessica.,"So today I’m giving him the cold shoulder, tomorrow I’ll give him her elbow, and next month we’ll see if he still wants her pussy!"
"I woke up, yawned, stretched and then climbed out of bed and brought my foot down painfully on a Lego.","As I sat there rubbing my foot, I was shocked to discover that the house and everything within it was slowly becoming Lego, *including me.*"
We exchanged worried glances when our son pointed at the roof and inquired what was in the attic.,That door was never there before.
"I hum quietly as I rock my 1 week old, kissing her forehead softly.","The doctors are wrong, I just know she’ll take her first breath soon."
I pulled out the strings dangling from my foot.,Turns out they were veins.
"“EARTH TO VOYAGER 227, DO NOT RETURN, I REPEAT, DO NOT R-“","Nothing but static over the comms for 12 days- then it returned: “False alarm, voyagers- you are cleared to return home.”"
"The priest prayed and prayed, begging the demon to leave the innocent childs body.","But as the body violently smashed around the room, a distorted voice bellowed loudly, ""He won't let me out."""
You have a weird habit of running up the stairs after turning off the lights.,Do you honestly think I’d wait for a silly light?
"The girl grabbed her phone and rushed to hide in her closet, where she frantically dialed 911, ""I... I think someone has been stalking me.""","""We'll be there in ten minutes,"" the operator responded, ""but for now don't come out of the closet, okay?"""
Gasps filled the air as I began walking down the aisle with my father.,"He died last year, but I'd been planning this for too long for it to be ruined now."
"""You know,"" I said putting my arm around her shoulder, "" A pretty girl shouldn't wander alone this time of the night.""","An amalgamation of voices erupted as she opened her mouth ""We are not."""
"When I finally entered rehab for my anorexia, my mother hugged me and whispered in my ear.",“But you could have been so beautiful.”
It's so awesome to be able to talk to my mum again!,I must be the luckiest daughter in the world to have a dad who is both a taxidermist and a ventriloquist :)
"My alien kidnappers ordered me to mate with their only fertile female specimen, who they used to breed human embryos.",I looked in horror as they wheeled out the mangled body of my mother who disappeared ten years ago.
"I visited Nathan on his deathbed at his request, despite having not seen him since bullying him at school 30 years ago.","I assumed he wanted me to apologise before he died but he just smiled, shook my hand, then told me about how infectious the disease killing him was."
"“You’ll feel it in no time,” the dealer laughed as smoke filled Tormund’s lungs.","Tormund tried tearing his lips from the car’s tailpipe, but the glue was too strong."
My grandfather has Alzheimer’s,I’ve been removing one small body part per day and he doesn’t know how he’s losing them
The man said I only had fifty words left to live. Or did he say,
"As a young teenager, I remember hanging out with my friends and watching gory war films.","My therapist just explained that they were my ""comrades"", and we were the child soldiers who pillaged and burned those villages during the war."
"The impact caused the most powerful earthquake ever recorded, millions died, the world seemed to break and the seas overflowed.","Trapped in the rubble and holding my children between my arms, I can only pray ""Please God, don't let him take a second step."""
"“My daughter is autistic, she can’t understand you,” The woman explained.","Her son silently begged the social workers with tear-filled eyes, praying they would realise his “mother” had forced him to wear a dress and a wig."
"Advice needed, what did my fellow parents do when your baby started drawing on the walls?",Sorry for autocorrect *crawling.
I felt an overwhelming sense of pride as I saw my 6 year old daughter walk through those doors on her first day of school.,"As I gripped the detonator, I couldn’t believe how easy it was to sneak so much C4 into a school."
"A great sadness came over me as I overheard the gossip that tomorrow they plan to let me go, after 27 years of loyal working for the plant.",So I locked the door of the control room and started disabling the reactor cooling circuits.
My sister came in my room last night and warned me not to go in the basement with my father tomorrow.,"I screamed in horror, because my sister has been missing for three years now."
"Shortly after our argument, I found my wife with her throat slit, holding a note that read “your right!”","Being petty, I started to correct it to “you’re” when I was suddenly attacked, realizing too late it was a warning."
My dad was angry when I showed him my test results.,I'm having a daughter and a sister.
"The doctors said that, since going blind, my brain might invent audio hallucinations.","I was expecting ringing or music, not this faint breathing."
"I came home to my dog, wife, and kids happily greeting me at the door, dinner fresh at the table.","I reopened my eyes to see the debris of the space station slowing fading away, as I floated deeper into the darkness of space."
"You know, scarecrows are supposed to scare birds away",But mine seem to attract vultures
"The monster stared back at me, and licked the blood of my loved ones off its fingers.","""The mirror in my bathroom was always the most flattering,"" I thought, as the sound of approaching police sirens cut through the night."
One of the first things I did after moving in was to check out the basement.,"""Great, there's nothing spooky down here"" I thought,as I climbed back up the stairs, to find the door wasn't there any more."
I killed the last undead bastard I saw on that street and then ran into a nearby alleyway for shelter.,Of course as soon as drugs wore off I realized the zombie apocalypse had not come after-all and my wrench was still drenched in blood.
Punctuality has never been my strong suit.,"As I sit here and watch the last ship leave for new Earth, I wish it was."
"I sat quietly as my parents screamed at each other, and blamed the other for my sister's death","Due to their drug induced state, neither can remember me handing them the heroin syringe instead of my sister's EpiPen"
"Since the strange winged creature had been stalking me for days, I ambushed it tonight and wrung its freak neck.","""I'm... your... Guardian... Angel......"" he choked out with his dying breath, as demonic shapes began to take form in the shadows around us."
"""For God's sake, Dad, you've told me that story twice already,"" I interrupt as his joyful smile wanes.","
He hasn't, but those care home papers aren't going to sign themselves."
My son was unusually tough for a 4 year old.,"Usually at that age, the meat just melts in your mouth."
"I woke up to my husband’s body, stabbed and slashed, and the bed was soaked with blood.","I screamed and screamed, and then I realised that the kids hadn’t come to see what was wrong."
Someone broke into my house today while my parents were out., I tried shaking the chains as hard as I could to get their attention but the basement walls were too thick.
My daughter keeps sneaking out at night to meet her boyfriend.,"I confronted her in the garage, covered in mud and holding the shovel, and angrily told her that if she ever gets arrested trespassing in the cemetery I'm not going to bail her out."
"After a week of intense interrogation and brutal torture, I was ready to spill the beans.","When I picked up the scalpel and pulled down his pants, I think the prisoner knew it too."
I woke up after having a dream where I was lying naked on the floor and unable to move after these eight teenage boys violated my body until I died.,"I cried hard as I realized that after 20 years, this was the first time that I dreamt and felt all of it from our victim's pov."
“The monster under the bed” is what the orphanage boys called me...,"...after the bunk bed collapsed, disfiguring my face and body."
"Pinocchio, being unable to feel pain, volunteers to take another’s place during a witch burning.",Unfortunately an act of true selflessness was what it took to become a real boy.
"As we cuffed her and dragged her away from the bleeding corpse, she pleaded, ""It's not my fault, the voices made me do it!"".","""Release her"", I heard menacingly from somewhere inside myself, ""or you shall become our new vessel."""
"As humanity's last effort, we sent a message to the stars.","
It echoed into the infinite nothingness, waiting for a response that never came."
"""Hey mom, this strange woman at the mall whispered to me that if you say someone's name backwards, you can order him to do whatever you want.""","""Nonsense, Anna, I would never do this to you, believe me, honey."""
My family moved a lot when I was younger.,"Every time we saw a picture of me on a telephone pole, we would pack up."
"I put the bottle to my lips and my foot on the gas and shouted, “Let the race begin!”",Which would end me first - the poison in my whiskey or the carbon monoxide in my garage?
I think I might be the most successful serial killer in history.,The best part is telling their loved ones we did everything we could.
"""Papa, look, I'm on the TV!"" said the three-year-old.","""What does *kivnapped* two years ago mean?"""
"They called it suicide forest, as many have walked in, but were found hung from the trees, but I dared to tread through it...","As the branches tightly grasped my throat and slowly lifted me up, my last thought as I hung there dying was the realization that no one died of their own accord...









Edit - I appreciate constructive criticism.   I strive to be a better writer.  I was so tired when I wrote this, I could have shortened it to something like


""I took a stroll in suicide forest,  daring to observe the lives taken.

As the branches tighten around my neck and lift me off the ground, I realize it was not of their own doing.""

Thank you for reading and commenting and awarding the concept.  :)"
I was scared when I saw my dad chopping wood in the backyard.,It scared me even more to see he was using the axe I killed him with.
"“Daddy, daddy, my tooth fell out,” my daughter yelled as she came running in to show me.","That’s it, her husband is fucking done for."
"My girlfriend screamed at me for trying to force feed her, while claiming she always knew I had a thing for chubby girls",I watched her paper thin body clutching to the chair for support and wished there was some way I could help convince her she wasn't overweight
I once sought asylum in an old woman's home during a storm with the only condition that I do the same for someone in return.,"It was frightening when she turned to dust right in front of me but now, 80 years later, I'm praying for someone to knock on this door."
"Right before he shot her dead, she screamed at the man she loved, ""I'll kill that bitch Emily, and we'll be together again!""","Years later, to his horror, Emily died giving birth to a baby, a healthy female baby, whose birthmark resembled a bullet hole."
"Millions of schoolchildren worldwide suddenly collapsed, their brains and blood leaking from their ears, nose and mouth.","The world once marveled at the genius of microchips implanted at birth, but now they mourned as massive solar flares wreaked havoc on Earth's electronics."
"""Please,"" I begged, tears choking my voice as quiet gurgling filled the room.","""I promise I won't be mad, honey, just tell me where you hid your brothers EpiPen"""
I saved my dad from the scary man that approached the door.,"As he rewarded me with a car ride he cried ""you were a good boy, I'm so sorry"""
"In 1945 Chinese explorer Zheng Chie made the first ever attempt to summit everest, after 3 days he disappeared above the clouds.","He was found hours later at the base with cuts carved into his entire body, in every language the cuts spelled out ""STAY BELOW""."
"I lied to the rapist that I had hep-c, hoping he would stop.","He told me it was ok, that he was positive also."
"Miraculously, I’m the last member of the rainforest expedition that hasn’t committed suicide.",Tell my wife and kids I love them; we never should have seen what was inside that temple.
I was pretty sure I could convert my new girlfriend to a dog person.,But her body keeps rejecting the canine tissue.
I wiped the sweat from my forehead and held myself steady as the school drug dog approached my locker.,"“They’re trained to find drugs, not body parts,” I assured myself."
"When Hitler told me that he was just following orders, I asked him who was he working for.",He told me he would rather spend another eternity in Hell than to piss them off. 
I hung up the phone after calling my dad to tell him that I loved him.,"“You used your time better than the others”, the shooter said as he raised his gun to my head."
"""I pray our descendants never make the same mistake we did"" sighed the astrophysicist, while launching the remaining human embryos towards the last habitable planet.","~~""If only we had stopped our greenhouse emissions earlier, we could have prevented the extinction on our home planet Venus.""~~

Edit 2023/06/10: Leaving Reddit due to /u/spez doubling down on API changes. Will keep post history for future visitors.

Edit 2023/06/23: Reddit is dead. Come join me on Lemmy. Guide: https://github.com/amirzaidi/lemmy"
"I kept hearing a strange giggle from the tv, regardless of what channel or volume it was on.",I never thought to check behind the tv.
"Me and my wife love playing practical jokes on people, and were barely able to hold in our laughter as we told her that it was a prank","It was just so funny watching the heartbreak on the little girl's face, when she realised we weren't going to adopt her from the orphanage"
"The crazy old man pleaded for me not to enter the tunnel, warning it will take years off my life.","  

As my skin wrinkled and hair greyed, I ran back outside, trying to warn the *younger* me from entering."
I watched in horror as the midwife slammed my newborn baby against the doorframe.,“April fool’s!” she laughed “It was stillborn!”
"“Sorry, no tattoos allowed in Heaven, no exceptions.”","I frantically tried to explain the number tattooed on my arm, but it was already too late."
Mom always said she wanted to die before her kids.,As the doctor read my diagnosis I realized I would have to grant her wish myself.
My best friend was on the radio today,"And the dash board , steering wheel and window"
"After a month dealing with sleep paralysis, i got used to seeing hallucinations",But i noticed just now that my cat is staring at the man with the hat too
"When I graduated from my old elementary school, I thought it would be the last time I ever walked through those doors.",Sometimes I really hate being a paramedic.
My mom says there is demon locked away in the cabinet that will rip our family apart.,But when she unlocked it it was only a pill bottle.
My father seemed distressed even though it looked like he'd bought so many new gold trinkets.,"As I snuck up to him and gave him a hug, he dropped the gold food in his hand and looked at me with horror."
"My daughter sat there in shock for a few seconds, after I called her my chubby little princess","I couldn't help but smirk when my bulimic daughter then ran off to the bathroom, as I emptied the contents of her plate onto mine and continued eating"
"""Dinner time!"" said my owner, unlocking my cage",But my elation soon turned to horror when I realised he was talking to his dogs
"""In sorry, but there's nothing we can do,"" the doctor said to me while he turned off the machine.","As my lungs began to fail, and vision go dark, the doctor left and added, ""There's just been a shortage of organ donors."""
"Over 1 in 10 marriages end in a divorce, but my parents have stayed together through everything.","I tried to free mom once, but dad found out and locked me in the basement too."
It never bothered me that my family ate roadkill.,That was until my little sisters ball rolled into the middle of the road.
"My daughter sat beside me in the car, sobbing as the Amber Alert went off on the radio.","But as I glanced at the scars her mother inflicted on her, I knew I was doing the right thing."
"[APR22] I once met a devil named Dave and made a deal with him to always win any card game, but last night I kept losing to my mother.","After seeing her eyes turn black I excused myself to the toilet and summoned Dave, but he seemed as terrified as I was."
"I pulled on the still moving arm under the rubble, happy that at least one of the scientists survived the explosion.","As I pulled out almost 3 meters of arm with the occasional elbow, I knew I found the only thing not meant to survive."
"""I agree, abuse is abuse, even if it's a woman doing it to a man"" my wife said at the dinner table.","If only our dinner guests could see the bruises under my shirt, or knew how our 6 kids were conceived..."
"Leaving the dying world infested with zombies behind, I managed to teleport to a time before it all happened.","Happy to be in a zombie free world, I felt a pang of pain in my right leg; I saw that the scratch I had gotten from a zombie was now red and infected."
I just found my notebook containing my college essay on goverments brainwashing people and making them forget things,"The strangest part is, I never went to college."
"The seven year-old boy awoke up the next morning, both exhausted and shocked as the memories of his longest dream yet began to fade.","As his memories blended into nothing-ness, he would never be aware of the fact that the last eighty-four years of his life were the result of an eight hour fever-dream."
"""These are the buttons your war hero great grandaddy took from the people he killed"" said Mom as she handed me the battered old tin box.","I counted five old Wehrmacht buttons, three SS, one Luftwaffe, three Fed-Ex, two Pizza Hut and six USPS buttons."
Counting sheep is a good way to fall asleep.,Counting the number of floorboard creaks is a great way to stay awake.
I do not understand this at all.,Why are there only 2 packs of ramen when I clearly asked the genie for a lifetime supply of them?
The last man on Earth sat alone in a room.,"His life's work finally done, he rolled over and slept peacefully."
"I wrote ""Mom, dad he just proposed to me and made me the happiest girl on Earth"" as my tears drop on the letter.","""No tears, write it again!"" He said."
"""I'd haunt tf outta you if I die"" we used to joke.","But seeing the fear in your eyes as you look at what I've become, I can't help but to smile"
I approached a man in the graveyard and told him that I was too scared to walk alone.,"As he escorted me back to my grave he said, ""Don't worry, you'll get used to it""."
"Upon my request the heavenly scribe told me: ""Your husband is here because he died as a Christian, your daughter is not for she lost her faith because of what your husband did to her.""","I wanted to protest, but then the eternal bliss of being in God's presence washed over me and nothing else mattered anymore."
"Ever wondered why so few people have the ""sixth sense""?","It's called natural selection, 'cause the moment you can sense them, they can sense you."
"When angels commit an unforgivable sin, they are banished from eternal paradise and reborn into a life of misery and suffering.",And we wonder why babies are born screaming.
"After capturing all of the cult members, we found the missing girl's body on the altar, then the autopsy revealed a 10-week-old fetus inside of her.","What really disturbed us, however, was the fact that the girl had been infertile since birth, and that the fetus was found in her stomach."
"Panicking, I tried to warn the other passengers that the plane was going to crash but I couldn’t make them understand.",They just tutted and turned away because no one likes a crying baby on a plane.
"""Be Not Afraid,"" The Angel sang in an unworldly voice as the massive entity descended from the heavens.","As ten thousand beams of light fired from its massive eye upon Earth's major cities, it added: ""Be Terrified."""
The Devil grabbed my wife by her hair and started dragging her away from me.,"""You remember the deal, your first born child is mine."""
"""I'm so sorry, dad, but please don't come near me!"" was the last thing my son said before blowing his head off.","As the bitemark on his arm began to heal, I wished I had told him sooner that our family was immune."
Giving birth is hard.,Especially when you feel the horns.
I didn't regret using my last wish for immortality even after the last star in the universe faded to nothing a trillion years ago.,"Because I used my second wish to find out what happens after death, and spending an eternity in the uncaring void of a dead universe was by far the better option."
"It was one of the most euphoric moments of my life, as my wife pushed and my daughter began to crown.",My blood ran cold and my stomach turned after the lone head rolled onto the hospital bed.
"When my husband took my son camping, I delighted in my night of peaceful solitude at home.","Since that night, I’ve had endless solitude, but never peace."
I promised my wife to keep the last bullet for her when she was bitten by a zombie.,"I just realized it's been 9 months, and I should have kept another one for what's eating its way out of her body now."
"The boy asked me, ""what do monsters look like?""",The temptation to peel back his father's face and show him the truth was almost too much to bear.
My first day working at suicide hotline didn't exactly go as I expected.,I never expected a call from my daughter.
"I yawned and stretched my arms, wondering why it was so dark.","""We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of..."""
"Joann was a huge advocate for feeding your animals a vegan diet, always peddling the benefits on Facebook.",Little did she know a simple fall in the shower was all it took for meat to be back on the menu.
"My roommate kept stealing my salt, so I replaced it with sugar to teach him a lesson.","After I hadn't seen him for 4 days I broke into his room to find a circle  of 'salt' around his messy bed covered in tiny, caramelized hoofprints."
"My loyal Buddy looked at me, eagerly awaiting me to scratch behind his ears with bright eyes, panting and drooling with his tongue exposed.",Amazing how a lobotomy changes a man.
"As I lowered the gun, I realized that I couldn’t commit suicide because it would hurt my family too much.","Instead, I decided to show mercy, and loaded my gun with a few more bullets."
"I gave my son ""Anti-monster spray"" in a little bottle, so he would feel safe sleeping alone.","It wasn't easy getting that holy water, but he can't know i see it too."
I managed to grab the razor blade from the young woman just in time before she was able to cut her wrists with it.,I angrily slapped her across the face for cowardly trying to get out of her appointment with the men waiting upstairs for her.
im not scared that i’ve been seeing missing posters of myself,it’s the fact that the news is now saying that my body has been found.
"I looked out from the second floor at the bloody mess outside on the street, and realised that my parents had been lying to me","They told me that babies are bouncing bundles of joy, but my brother had barely bounced at all"
"""It doesn't hurt anymore, babe"" my girlfriend murmers sleepily as she snuggles closer.","""We've stopped shaking, too"" I mumble blearily as we huddle together in this frozen cabin, a distant voice in my head trying to remember why this seems like a bad thing."
"As the clerk handed me my developed prints, he shyly asked if I did horror photography for a living, or if it was just a hobby.",I couldn't answer as I frantically ripped open the pack to see the photos I took alone in my grandmother's empty house.
I just knew that the glowing stone was a gift from the gods that could save us from the sickness that ravaged our village.,Why else would the ancient ones have made the odd clicking box that led me straight to it?
I laughed in Lucifer's face when he told me the punishment in hell for Nymphomania was eternal sex.,"It's been over a month now, the constant friction has eroded my genitals but the succubi just won't stop."
My Mom always said that my baby brother is an angel.,I sat there crying to her on the balcony trying to explain I thought angels could fly.
"Just because I’m Jewish, my white Aryan neighbour keeps telling me to get out of the country before I get harmed.","No matter how much he begs and pleads with me, I smile calmly and reassure him that it’s 1937; people are more civilized nowadays, and this new “Nazi party” in power doesn’t worry me."
"I have to confess that I never truly loved my children, they where an accident and I blame them for ruining my life.",Yet they still crave my approval and keep praying to me.
"I watched from the afterlife as my mother, always so outwardly caring and affectionate, was finally convicted of poisoning me.",How the fuck did I forget to leave a note?
"As I got out of the Ford Police Interceptor and walked towards the cute young woman that I'd pulled over, I reflected that she really wasn't a criminal.","The actual criminals are the companies that legally sell former police cars, realistic light bars, and real police uniforms to just anyone."
I was surprised by my ex-wife's nice gesture of sending me a box of chocolates for my 5 years of sobriety anniversary.,"But only after I tasted one piece and felt the sweet, stingy cherry liquior flooding my mouth I realised her true intentions."
"My teacher in the Bomb Disposal Unit always told me that I should never stress when defusing a bomb because ""Either I'm right or it's not my problem anymore.""",As I lay crippled and disfigured in the ICU I realized that there was a third and far worse option...
My wife is absent minded.,"After she left for work she awakened me with a text message that said, “I left the back door open so please make it look like an accident.”"
"“OK, this is a game where we’ve got 90 seconds to change your clothes, clip your hair and rub this dye into it”",“On your way out of the mall smile at the security guard and don’t say a word”
"""Dude what's up??"" he hollered as I wave back trying to remember his name.","""Not much!"" a voice walking up from behind me says."
"""Don't worry, I'll fix everything caused by that awful car accident, "" the surgeon told me cheerfully just before he began.","Then he leaned in close so only I could hear and whispered menacingly, ""I want you to know that the woman in the car you hit was my daughter, you goddamn drunk."""
We all assumed she was just enjoying the strawberry jam in the cake we smashed her face in.,We didn’t know bakers used wooden beams as support for tall cakes.
"After my ex-husband dropped off our daughter from her weekend stay, I noticed bruises on her back and stomach.","I forgot to cover them up, hopefully he didn't see."
"I know this sub is supposed to be for stories and stuff, but I just wanted to say thanks!",All the awesome ideas on here have helped me break from routine and keep things fresh!
"My wife and I had another fight over me getting home drunk, so I threw our new vase at her face.",Now her ashes are all over her portrait.
Immortality is indeed a blessing.,"

In the age of famine, the immortals' perk of body regeneration is truly a gift to humanity"
"""Do you have any last words?"" the executioner asked me.","""You say that every time."""
"""You can leave this room when your sister does!"" my mother screamed as she locked the door behind her.",I turned in horror to the rotting corpse as I finally realized where Lilly had been all these months.
I'm pregnant and I can't wait for my child to be born !,I've always wanted a little brother.
"When they said mark of the beast, they always thought it is some kind of a barcode or a symbol that distinguish him from the others.",They scanned my head for temperature several times already and it's always measured 66.6 degrees.
“WHY WOULD YOU CUT A BABY’S WRISTS?!” the doctors and the police in the hospital lobby screamed.,"The young mother, with dull eyes framed with dark circles, quietly responded, “when I can’t stop crying cutting my wrists is the only thing that helps, and I thought it would help him too.”"
I hate seeing the hanging girl in my closet,I wish that my parents hadn’t given me my sister’s old room
I always fall asleep holding my wife's hand,I'll bury it with the rest of her body when I'm ready
"With swift urgency, I ran to the distressed mother clutching her daughter who’d been struck by a car.","Hands steady, I pulled out my phone and quickly zoomed into their faces and started recording."
"""Hands in the air"" the officer barked as I sat there on my knees.",They weren't nearly as amused as I was when I raised my victims arms into the air in response.
"The genie granted me 3 wishes, I wished to visit humanity 1 year into the future.",*”Rule 1: I cannot bring back the dead”* said the genie.
The aliens interviewed every last human to see if we are good and worth saving.,Then they asked the animals.
“Oh fuck yes” she moaned while bouncing on me.,"With tears in my eyes, I laid on the bed, doing nothing except begging her to stop."
"I stepped off the elevator, eager to tell my therapist that I had finally found a reason to live, and had decided not to kill myself.","All I found in his office was an open window, and a note that simply read, ""You were right, nothing matters, none of it."""
I was thrilled to receive my first call from the app “Be My Eyes.”,Until she sobbed into the phone asking if she was alone and I couldn’t yell no fast enough.
They say a shiver down your spine means that someone’s walking over your future burial site.,"As my husband walks around outside gardening, the shivers won’t stop."
"It had fangs, scales and it's arms were crookedly disfigured like undeveloped wings.","As my wife lay dying on the birthing bed she uttered, ""I swear it's yours""."
"The giftbox was light, really light, and I gave it a small comedy shake, which elicited a chuckle from my wife.","I opened the box and looked at the mangled bloody mess and twisted wire hanger sitting at the bottom as she whispered in my ear ""It was twins""."
I caught my kids watching a documentary about the horrors committed by soldiers during the last war,I hope the uniform prevented them from recognizing me.
"""So you're saying these pills will get rid of Bob, Sarah, Michael, and all my other personalities, right?"" I said eagerly.","""I'm so sorry, Fred,"" the therapist replied, ""but I already gave them to Michael."""
"When the authorities called and said they were bringing my wife home after finding her wandering around a local mall, I placed the barrel of the pistol against my temple and prepared to pull the trigger.","After listening to the priest and cutting her body up into 1999 pieces, scattering them around the world, I knew that death was my only escape."
I threaded the needle and began to work diligently.,"No matter how much my daughter screamed and struggled, I had to make absolutely sure she remained pure until her wedding night."
"It was only after at least 12 feet of digging trough wet and suffocating mud by hand, that it had struck me.",They must have buried me face down.
No child should ever die alone.,That's why I decided to let my son invite some friends over.
"My heart sank as I watched the footage on my security camera, which had recorded the man who killed my son.",I had no idea my sleepwalking had gotten this bad...
"[MOD POST] My little brother hung himself last night after a long battle with his own inner demons and alcoholism, so if you or someone you love is suffering from depression, please reach out and get help, NOW.","I love you, Keifer. . I hope you are at peace right now."
"""My son always screams like a wounded animal when we cut his hair,"" we told the psychiatrist, hoping for guidance.","Several tests and doctors later, guilt brings me to my knees, when the genetic specialist describes the believed to be unique condition of live nerve endings in the boy's hair."
"My partner tied me to our bed after we had sex, saying I was gonna be the first person to experience this type of pregnancy.","Now that whatever inside of me has started eating its way out, she's nowhere to be seen."
"After Grandpa died, sorting through his belongings brought back a lot of memories.","When we found his vintage porn collection, it reminded me that I used to have a sister."
"""I said I wanted a white one!"" the spoiled girl in the pet shop shrieked, stomping her feet and begining to throw a fit.","As the panicked store owner ushered me back to my cage, I was suddenly grateful for my dark skin."
"The world ending in 2012 wasn't a prophecy, it was a suggestion.","We should have listened, but now He's here."
"You are receiving this message as a valued customer, because according to our records you dined at our restaurant twice in the past month.",Please contact your doctor and local health department immediately for more information on prion diseases.
"She slid two fingers in and moaned: ""It's so tight, but I think it might be wet enough to fit a third!""","He screamed into his gag and started to convulse, as she stretched the wound in his abs a little bit farther."
"'OMG I love cookie dough ice cream', I thought hungrily digging into the treat.","Usually, I only find meat and vegetable mush in people's stomachs."
"When I heard the screams, I ran outside to find my elderly dog in a puddle of blood and my wife consoling my son.","I heard him say something about the dog attacking him first,  but I saw the little smirk on his face, and he didn't have a scratch on him."
The worst thing about being a ghost isn't hearing the neighbor who murdered you pronounced innocent.,"It's seeing that neighbor inviting your little brother into their house to ""see their new puppies"" and not being able to warn anyone."
"My youngest son refuses to call my wife ""Mommy"".","She is not ""just a doll"" and I'll make him learn it one way or another."
“It can’t believe it!” I cry into the phone after the police officer tells me they’ve found my missing daughter alive after all these years.,"I hang up the phone and glance into the backyard, making sure the hole I buried her in is still undiscovered before getting in the car and heading to the station."
His daughter’s onlyfans was turning out successful.,If only she knew she had one.
"""Ma'am, if you'll just follow me, I can offer you ten very suspenseful stories from my private collection,"" the book seller said to assuage the entitled, screaming woman in front of him.","In a backroom of the old skyscraper, he pushed her into an unused elevator shaft there and the ten stories sounded very suspenseful indeed."
The police officers showed you the video of your wife being tortured and killed by the sadistic killer that was loose in your city,It was difficult trying to hide your erection from the officers
I writhed in pain as my boyfriend held me down and twisted the coat hanger inside me.,I regretted lying about being pregnant to get him to stay.
When I was young a psychic once looked at me and told me that one day I would lose my faith.,"Now, as I lay here in the burn center of the hospital on life support I realize that the psychic had a lisp."
Our eyes met across a crowded room.,"I was the only person he hadn't gunned down in the office-the only one he didn't want to, it seems- and he stared into my eyes, raised the gun to his head and pulled the trigger."
After hearing terrible stories from my grandmother about what a guard did to her in Auschwitz decided to go back in time and kill him.,As I look at his lifeless body I slowly started to disinegrate.
The worst part of quadriplegia isn't being unable to feel anything in any of your limbs.,It is still being sensitive enough to feel the hairy caterpillar crawling into your ear.
"The boy kept staring into my eyes as he dragged his mother's corpse inside, peeled off her skin, and hung it next to me.","For the first time ever, I, the monster in his closet, was terrified of him."
As the tapeworm appeared in the toilet pan I grabbed it and pulled hard - I wanted that thing out of me.,And that’s when I felt my tongue jerk backwards.
"Sometimes, I think God created this zombie outbreak specifically to punish me.",Being a necrophile is significantly less gratifying when the dead insist on squirming.
"They banged on the locked door, crying and urging him not to commit suicide, how selfish and tragic it would be.","He ignored them as he stared straight ahead, aiming the plane towards the snowy mountains."
"My wife is not with me anymore, and after all my attempts with the ouija board, I learn that it's just another fairy tale for kids.","I can't even make her feel like I'm still here, let alone move the planchette."
Tears roll down my cheeks as my husband goes deeper.,"The creature dragged my kid down a hole so small, the more we dig, the more blood we see."
"Woken up by a violent coughing fit that shook my ribcage, I recoiled in horror when I saw matted locks of white hair spilling out of my mouth.","Hands trembling, I tried to yank them out, only to retch when I felt something tugging at the inside of my stomach."
"He twisted the revolver, put the barrel against his head and pulled the trigger ""click"" but nothing happened.",He began to cry because now the thing which killed his parents just a few minutes ago knows that he's here.
"Drunk on the power with his newfound ability of invisibility, Professor Ustov stood nude in the elevator, heart pounding in his chest, a stirring in his loins, waiting for the stranger to enter.","The young lady, with her heightened sense of hearing and smell due to her blindness, slowly reached into her purse and clasped the taser as the doors started to close."
My wife begged for my forgiveness after she smothered our newborn in her sleep,"Thankfully she doesn't remember me handing her the pillow while she was sleepwalking, or that I know the baby wasn't mine"
My Dad said he was going out to get a pack of cigarettes as he closed the door behind him.,"I screamed as the rusty, metal spikes he'd used to construct his handmade iron maiden bit deeply into the skin of my ankles, legs, arms and chest, screamed into that brief, hollow eternity that is born in all traumatic events, screamed until my breath gave way and all I could hear was the soft gurgling of my newly pierced lungs."
"Alice stared at the table in Wonderland, thinking, then hastily gobbled up the cake labeled EAT ME and washed it down with the potion labeled DRINK ME.",Her blood-curdling scream was heard all through Wonderland as her skeleton began to grow but the rest of her body shrank.
"Thinking it was the only way to save humanity, my final wish was to erase half of worlds population.","It's been a month, and we still haven't found a single female."
"[MAR22] ""Next time don't call 911 if there's no emergency, okay?"" the police officer said to the little girl, who was still crying in front of her own parents.","He then took the money from the couple, thinking, *""If only she would forgive me one day,""* and pretended that he never saw the bruises on her face."
"""Goddammit, Timmy, you idiot, hold the flashlight still!""",Timmy calmly stood and slammed the hood shut on his father's neck.
[FEB22] The king came to regret allowing his pet tiger to roam the halls of the palace unsupervised.,"As he looked over the eviscerated and half eaten body of his beloved, he only had one question: what could do this to a tiger?"
"When I came home, my dead mother's ghost was sitting in her favorite chair.","It wasn't the first time I've seen her there, but this time I noticed that she was nodding at me and patting the chair next to her, right before the chest pains started."
"I truly believed him, when my father plead ""not-guilty"" to murdering all the people they found buried under our house.","Lucky for me, though, the jury did not."
"I took a break from cleaning Grandpa's attic and decided to crack open the old notebook I found, its yellowed pages filled with his scrawl.","""August 2nd, 1969: the *Chronicle* printed one of my letters today..."""
My baby screamed as the water he was dunked in made his skin burn and peel,"""That's never happened before"" the priest said, horrified"
"As the bullet penetrates my chest, I fall to the ground and I start bleeding out for the 6th time.",I pray to God for whoever is watching this Gif to close it and end my existence.
A small team of human scientists was sent to mars.,A small team of scientists returned to earth.
"After the Christian Rapture happened to everyone's considerable shock, those left behind (and those born to them after) all had a strange, unremovable marking appear on their foreheads.","It took decades to translate, but the result was horrifying; ""Do not harvest, not fit for consumption."""
"As I hear the little boy suffocating in his sleep, I wish I could turn him over so he can breathe again.","After all, everyone knows that monsters can't touch you when you're under a blanket."
"The airplane cut diagonally across the sky, leaving in its wake a single white chemtrail.","Along whose edge reality began to sag, then peel away like old wallpaper, revealing an infinity of black nothingness."
I thought kidnappers were supposed to be evil people.,But I’m starting to think mine is just misunderstood.
"After my Father unexpectedly committed suicide, it took me several years until I felt at peace enough to open the sealed suicide letter.","I wish I’d opened it years ago, though, because this letter is not his handwriting."
I really hate pulling out rusty nails,What kind of a person paints their fingernails rust coloured anyways?
"""Daddy, Daddy!"" I heard her scream, a smile forming on my face.",As we drove away with the little girl we saw the father nodding at us with the money in his hand.
"I'd been strapped in a chair, beaten with sticks, jabbed with needles and wheeled back out of room still none to the wiser to who my captors were.","As I was taken back to my cell I caught a glimpse of a sign by the entrance that read ""Oakland Care, for the mentally unwell"""
"Every night, my brother giggles in his sleep.","I asked him about it today, and he says he hears it too."
"[DAY 52 RECORDING] Oxygen preservation will last me one more day, goodbye everyone.",[DAY 175 RECORDING] I&)-(/$:&:@:CANT:@/)/)(/:&;&;@DIE-@/@/$:)
After my latest failed attempt I awoke in the hospital to the smiling faces of my family and the doctor saying I was lucky to be alive.,"As the doctor left the room all smiles faded and my mother said, in her typical dismissive tone, ""I guess you can't even die right""."
"When offered the chance to see all the times I've almost died, of course I took it.","As the scenes progressed from my infancy through to now, I couldn't help but notice the same strange man in all of them."
I hate it when my family stands up after every meal,Why won’t this poison work?
"Scientists talk about the “uncanny valley,” an evolutionary trait humans have picked up that causes them to reject things that look similar to humans but not quite human enough.","What scientists don’t talk about are the creatures that caused us to need this ability, or the possibility that they are still hiding among us."
"As I stared into her eyes, my knees were weak, and I had butterflies in my stomach",It was then I realized I spiked the wrong drink
"As child, I always enjoyed putting two mirrors next to each other and seeing the endless mirror tunnel that would form.",I stopped doing it when I saw the thing climbing through the mirrors towards me.
"They say once you become a murderer, you can tell who else has murdered.","“He’s innocent,” I announce with the bang of my Gavel dismissing the court."
"My girlfriend always said""if I die I will be alive in your mind""","I thought she meant as a memorie, not as a possession"
"“YOU CAN’T TAKE HER!” I scream as I hold my daughter as close to me as I can, out of their reach.","If they get to her, they’ll return her to that sadistic, wretched swine that gave birth to her."
"He grabbed at the twine, but his daughter's balloon quickly flew beyond reach.","He flailed through the air while years of abusive memories flashed through his mind, leaving no doubt as to why she had pushed him from the basket."
"Two weeks after moving to Australia to be with my boyfriend, he dumped me.",So I tossed a lit cigarette into the bushland near his home.
"He liked it when she babied him, but she loved it.","










One night when he passed out drunk she used her ice pick to make a few modifications to his brain through his eye sockets, and he became her baby forever."
"My mother stood beside my bed, and explained to me that she just wanted me to remain her perfect little angel for as long as possible","I begged my mother to remove the stitches, but she assured me that my future husband will open them on my wedding night"
"As our ship pulled into harbour beneath the blinking lighthouse, we saw the faces of our familes for the first time in months, gathered to greet us on the moonlit shore.","It was only when we were close enough to make out their vacant eyes and too-wide smiles that we realized the lighthouse was blinking a message in Morse:

>!T H E Y!<  
>!A R E!<  
>!N O T!<  
>!Y O U R!<  
>!F A M I L Y!<  
>!A N Y M O R E!<"
stop repeating everything over and over again.,I'm trapped in a time loop that repeats every eleven seconds. There's no escape and I can't
"I watch intently from the control room as the pretty young girl enters the dimly lit room and a convicted rapist, my test subject, takes notice and approaches to do with her what he will.","My animatronic rapist-bait works as designed, and now we begin testing its vaginal bear-trap."
The first group of people to ever grow up off-planet saw Earth for the first time and were amazed at just how gorgeous and vibrant it was.,The Earth-born Captain sent to oversee the project was horrified at the sight of a Purple and Black planet.
"I don’t know what scared me more, whether it was hearing a voice saying “help me” at 4 in the morning...",...or that I recognised it was my own voice and it was coming from the closet.
"My little brother Timmy has to be the dumbest, brattiest kid I know!","The other day, I found him playing with a wild raccoon, and today he won't drink any of the lemonade mom made us."
My mom was frantically trying to stop me from swinging around the pink lightsaber that I found in her bedroom drawers.,"That is, until I swung it at her and her headless body fell to the ground."
"People often mocked me, for my only super power was weakly teleporting a small stones nearby",I guess they didn't know that pebbles in their arteries could choke their heart to death
"As a punishment for my envy, I was forced to accompany my wife until she fell in love again, before I could ascend to paradise.","Now, sitting at her grave and watching the last humans leave earth, I just wish she had moved on."
"A revolutionary new drug enabled people to stay awake indefinitely, with no side effects.","Within a week, it was decided the economy would collapse, if people didn't work 20 hours a day."
I was enjoying my afterlife in the paradise when an angel told me I have to go back to my body as the doctor successfully revived me.,I cried in despair knowing that I have to live in a vegetative state again.
"When I was a kid, a fireman had to come and cut my head free from a fence, all because I thought I could fit.","I wish I'd learned my lesson, I'm at least 120 feet into this cave and I'm so stuck I don't think I'm ever getting free."
"My son asked “ mom, can I play with the kids in the basement?”",We’ve just moved in
"[APR21] In his final words to me, my son told me he’d sooner die and be reborn a pig than live and work as a farmer like me.","As I saw a plump hog scratch ‘D-A-D?’ into the dirt, I knew he’d finally help put food on the table."
"‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, one creature was stirring, but it was no mouse.","It crept up the stairs and went to their beds, and stole their small bodies away from their heads."
My birthday wish this past year was to stay sixteen forever.,"""You can't age in hell"" I told myself as I dug the knife deeper into my chest."
"""The woman's strangled body was discovered tonight in her basement by local police,"" said the reporter on the evening news.","The forensic detective on site looked up in horror at the reporter, realizing that he hadn't told the newsman where they had found the body."
I’ve always hated my husband for kidnapping me.,Yet I couldn’t help but to be just a little excited to go get our new daughter.
"""You better not be bringing that upstairs,"" my mother warned, noticing me about to leave the kitchen with a bag of chips.","I sat down next to her at the table and opened the bag, stifling my tears, as I wondered how much longer my sister could possibly last without food."
"Flinging myself over the edge, I felt a mixture of freedom and fear during the free fall that followed.",The monstrous creature managed to snatch me in mid-air and flew back up to the nest where its offspring were hungrily waiting.
my brother would often find new ways to make his wax figures look more realistic.,"i stood in his wax museum, watching as everyone admired his work, if only they could hear me screaming..."
Happy children laughed as they pressed their face against the other side of the glass.,That night I learned why mother always kept the mirror covered.
"Claire adored her blue-eyed, black-haired little doll so much that she played with her everyday; until one day she ripped her head off.",Now the doll plays alone.
I assumed the cute guy I hooked up with at the party was joking when he told me he was an alien.,"But the joke was on me, because a pregnancy, let alone one that has lasted 19 months so far, is not something I ever expected to have to deal with as a gay man."
"Pizza guy delivered my pizza and said ""Enjoy it you two"".",I was just glad I wasn't the only one that saw it.
Did you know that there’s no such thing as a ‘left-handed’ person?,"There are your kind, and then there are those of us who escaped from the other side of your mirror."
"He was cute, cooked a damn good porkchop and had a rustic farmer vibe so of course I let him fuck me like an animal.","I woke up the next day in his barn, locked shoulder to shoulder in a fence with other women as he prepared the milking machines."
"I bawled my eyes out in my high school counselor’s office, finally explaining all the abuse my mother had put me through.","“I got quite the interesting phone call today,” my mother told me later that day as I came home from school, the chancla in her hand.

(edit/update: i’m so sorry to everyone who has been commenting about how they can relate to this story. For whatever it’s worth, feel free to message me if you ever want to talk to someone.)"
My mother cried out in horror as she walked in on me wishing to a genie to give me the same slim shapely figure as my sister.,"As I watched my hands and arms shrivel into the corpse of a murdered refugee, “you’re adopted!” She wailed."
"After my brother suffered a car accident, doctors offered to wire his brain up in a way that he will be thinking he is living a happy life.","Unfortunatelly i can only afford the cheapest plan where he is at home, scrolling through memes and mildly entertaining subredits."
I always told my daughter that our dog’s fur was like a coat to keep him warm in the winter.,"I would regret my choice of words as my bloodied little girl came to tell me, scissors in hand, that it was so hot she had taken his coat off."
My new therapist promised he could cure me of my fixation with that serial killer who performs autopsies on his live victims.,"""I want you,"" he said, his eyes twinkling, ""to open up."""
"""You killed my wife, so I'll make you pay,"" he said, seething with hatred.","Later a nurse walked to the incubator to check the baby and discovered that it was deathly still, with red finger marks around its neck."
"""This is taking forever- just pick one already!"" my husband griped, tapping his foot impatiently.","I stared helplessly at my two trembling children as he waved the gun between them, but the words still wouldn't come out."
The killer was found to be a man with severe mental illness.,He was so far gone I was able to convince him he had committed those crimes.
"""Your husband's surgery is a success and he'll be back home after a week,""",Tears started to well up in my eyes as I instinctively touched the bruises hidden under my shirt.
"When I was a little girl, I wished on a falling star that I could be an astronaut.",I wonder if anyone is making the same wish on me now that my heat shields have failed.
"In mid-April, women of child-bearing age were attacked, anethesized, and their ovaries stolen.","As I unwrapped a chocolate rabbit, a hand slapped a sweet pungent cloth over my face, and a snarling voice said, ""I'm the Ether Bunny and I collect eggs."""
"""So, will you take the red pill or the blue pill this time?"" she asked.","Bound and gagged, he nodded frantically at the poisonous red pill, but she smiled popping the viagra in his mouth saying, ""Nahh, let's go another round."""
"Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses.",We'll grind them into supplies to feed the working classes.
The hardest thing I’ve ever done is attend my best friends funeral after he was killed in combat.,"His PTSD was getting worse and his screaming was giving away our position, so I did what I had to."
"Everyone celebrated Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, and Michael Collins when they returned from the moon.",Why am I the only one that remembers there were only two astronauts on the mission when they left?
I looked at the grim reaper and asked whether I was going to heaven or hell.,"“You’ve already experienced both, now there is nothing else” he said."
"That psychopath said that I have only one chance to post a well-written twosentencehorror, or else I won't see my children again.","I have no idea why he wants me to do such a thing, but I'd do anything for my family. 

I just hope not to make stupid mistakes."
"My dad's been living in constant fear for the past few nights, and to be honest, I've never seen him this vulnerable before.","Although the police can't get him to talk, tonight I'll make his screams echo throughout the entire prison, telling everyone where he buried me."
I cant believe I let my abusive ex live rent free inside my head.,"I can still hear her berate and insult me, even though its been a year since I've killed her."
"My grandma, my wife, and my child are dead.",Finally that should give me enough backstory to win this reality tv show.
The bondage and the blindfold prevented me from realising right away that the spasms and convulsions you were having on top of me weren't just the throws of pleasure.,I will forever be ashamed of the fact that the epileptic seizure that killed you actually brought me to orgasm.
Out of clumsy habit I tripped and fell off the stairs.,"As I plummet below into a black abyss, I wish there was a safer way to get to heaven."
.uoy no pu kaens I elihw noitcartsid a tsuj s’tI .ereh nettirw si tahw rettam yllaer t’nseod tI,
I’ve been counting sheep for hours.,We still don’t know how their bodies keep ending up in the trees.
"""Yeah I hear the piano"" I said to the priest on the phone to embelish my story, not wanting to admit that I really wasn't hearing anything and that the old mansion was very silent.","




""Good then"" he said, ""You're safe as long as it plays, but if it stops,

run."""
I felt happy for the first time in 14 years as we sat down and I prepared to say the magic words to finally leave this abusive relationship behind me for good.,"""We're having a baby"", she said with a widening grin as she saw color leaving my face."
"""Why did you do that?"" I tearfully asked my daughter while squeezing her wrist to stop the bleeding.","""I didn't,"" she replied, as another cut appeared around her neck."
"Lying still in my chains, I felt the spider slowly walk across my face.","In a flash I devoured it, enjoying my first meal in days as its many legs struggled and shuddered hopelessly in my mouth."
It took us centuries to build our first military base on the moon.,Now we're ready to invade earth as planned.
"As my life ebbed away on the hospital bed, I begged the looming figure of the reaper not to take me.","Now, as I wander the labyrinthine shadowy world, alone in the dark for endless eons, I wish more than anything that I hadn't sent my only guide away."
"Dad I dont wanna go, please dont make me","“Son I payed $250,000 for this trip, you’re gonna go”"
"As it crawled toward me at neck breaking speeds, I pointed the gun and pulled the trigger.",*click*
"I dont know what terrified me more, the fact that we found a skull of a new species of dinosaur,","Or the fact that when we carbon dated it, it was only 2000 years old."
"We removed all mirrors and reflective materials in our house, hoping the creatures from the other side couldn't get to us.",We realized our mistake when they began slithering out of our eyes.
The doctor had never seen such long hairy legs.,As he pulled the otoscope away from the patients ear he prayed he never would again.
"""My last wish is to be able to walk on water,"" he told the genie","As he happily took his first steps out on the ocean's surface, he saw a diver desperately trying to punch her way up to the air"
I was born with the ability to psychically experience the happiest memories of any human by merely touching their skin.,I didn't realize this worked with the deceased until the day I felt a rush of joy along with vivid flashes of somebody's past-- just as I bit into a burger from that diner on route 40. 
I was worried my dad had forgotten I finished school early today.,"Luckily, a friend of his came to pick me up."
"Contrary to popular belief, vampires don’t burn in the sunlight and are never seen during the day simply because they’re nocturnal."," You can still wait for the sunrise to come outside if it makes you feel safer, I don’t really care if I have to stay up late."
"As foretold, Judgement Day came, and the Good were claimed by Heaven, and the Wicked confounded in the fires of Hell.","And now, those of us without the courage to be Good or the conviction to be Wicked wander numbly through an abandoned and broken world -the meek have inherited the Earth after all."
Atheists had the right idea.,Praying makes you so much easier to find.
"When the genie offered me a wish, I wished to become invisible to the human eye.",So you can imagine the utter horror I felt when my best friend walked up to me and asked me a question.
"My two best friends and I went to explore an abandoned house, which was rumored to alter the memories of everyone who visited.","But in the end, after making sure that we still remembered everything correctly, we both left the house with disappointment."
I begged my husband to stop as he had me me hanging naked over an upside down lawnmower,I screamed in pain as my son was born and then I was forced to watch as the blades ripped him apart
"""Daddy, why do I have to wear this to see Mommy?""","""It will be over soon,"" I said as I tightened the noose."
He gently caressed my thigh and planted a soft peck on my neck.,A part of me hoped my dad was only doing this to snap me out of my coma.
"The way she said, “I was chosen.” during the rescue gave Superman a chill down his spine.","As the cult grew, people were throwing themselves off buildings by the hundreds."
"When we found out our neighbor Ken was a convicted child molester, we went over rules with our son including “Lock the doors and don’t talk to Ken when we aren’t home.”","When I finally got through all the emergency vehicles in my neighborhood, the fire chief told me Ken had screamed and pleaded for my son to come out of the burning house, but my son had hidden instead."
I thought wading through a pile of bones was bad.,I soon realized wading through a pile of everything BUT the bones was worse.
"“That final death scene seemed so real, you two are going places!”","I turned back to my film class with a smile as the professor turned the lights on, “Thank you, I’m just sad my partner was too sick to make it here.”"
As A child I ate worms because I liked the flavor.,Now I sit in agony while the worms return the favor.
I was always told to check the backseat of my car for intruders when I got in.,I guess this lady wasn't told the same thing.
It was always so nice to see a mother bonding with her child.,But to wake up to the same sight of her still pushing her child on the swing set was a bit unnerving.
The sound of my boyfriend’s snores have always been able to put me to sleep,But he’s visiting family and I can still hear them.
"As an oceanographer, I’ve gotten used to going long stretches without seeing land.","But according to the ship’s GPS, we should be about seventy miles inland and we still haven’t seen any."
"“It was just a prank,” they reminded themselves after they shoved Daryl into a locker.",They forgot it was the last day of school and the smell was now filling the hallways in the summer heat.
"""Dad,"" the little girl said, reaching up to his bed to shake his arm, trying not to disturb the wires hanging from him like streamers.","""I stopped that beeping like you wanted."""
"""Please let us in mummy, we really want to go home,"" my children begged.","Chained to the wall, tears flow down my face and blood flows down my legs as they attempted to dig their way back into my uterus."
“You can all have your Walkmans back at the end of the lesson” drones our substitute teacher after confiscating our electronics.,"I keep trying to explain to the old man what an insulin pump is, but I’m slipping unconscious..."
"I stood before God and Satan, and accepted my fate when they sentenced me to Hell.","I saw a bright light and faintly heard the words “it’s crowning, push!!”"
"For the first time in recorded history, no humans died today.","Granted, that's because the last one died yesterday."
"The out of the way authentic Egyptian spa offered soothing wraps, which I absolutely love.","It wasn't until I felt the hook enter my nose and pierce the skull that I realized the wraps were linen, and not seaweed."
"Mommy was gone and he didn't know how to change a diaper, so he put his little sister in the tub with some soap.","He was only 7, but he'd seen mommy do it before, so he selected 'Warm', 'Heavy Load', 'Extra Rinse', and pushed the start button."
"""YOU ARE TEN METE-- THIRTY METE-- EIGHT METERS FROM YOUR DESTINATION"" the GPS stuttered for the fourth time tonight as I pulled over to finally fix the damn thing.","""YOU ARE FOUR METERS FR--"" it continued as the car came to a halt, 
""THREE METE-- TWO MET-- ONE M--, IT HAS ARRIVED AT YOUR DESTINATION."""
Everyone always talks about “skeletons in the closet”.,What do I do if a skeleton comes out of the closet? (Urgent)
“I would LITERALLY do ANYTHING to make you happy babe” I told my husband as I drove the knife deep into my chest….,"He’d recently drunkenly confessed to me of being a necrophiliac, and as I fell to the floor with only seconds left to live I whisper “fuck me, fuck me cold!”"
"My daughter lay on the bed weeping and begging us to stop, as we all stood above her laughing and enjoying the show","I flashed the strobe light into her eyes, and we all watched as she suffered yet another epileptic fit"
"“If you don’t pay me, I’ll give myself a black eye and say that you did it,” the prostitute threatened.",I took the tape recorder out of my pocket with full conviction that I could now get away with anything.
She stood there silently smiling.,The stitches wouldn’t allow anything else.
Haunted corn mazes in the early fall were always a favorite seasonal afternoon to me.,"That was until I limped, bloody and broken, further into the labyrinth and heard a chainsaw roar in the distance."
"Coming home late to find my wife already asleep, I climbed into bed, wrapped my arms around her and held her close.","As my eyes adjusted to the darkness I saw her tear-streaked face through the cracked closet door, mouthing for me to run."
I’m doing a little experiment.,">!By!< the >!time!< they’re >!done clicking!< the >!boxes,!< I’ll >!already!< be >!inside.!<"
"“It’s worked - I’ve resurrected your wife,” the necromancer cried as she sat up on the table.","Stupid bitch thought she could escape me with suicide, she’s gonna be really sorry when we get home."
"""Bless you,"" said my professor, in response to my sneeze.","I double checked, and like I thought, my camera and mic were still turned off."
"While on a camping trip, something felt different, so I asked my boyfriend if he was using a ribbed condom.","Surprised, he pulled out and looking down, we counted at least 8 ticks embedded in his member."
[ Removed by Reddit ],[ It is forbidden to publicize information regarding the upcoming events of 2023-2052 ]
“I lost my friend in the recent mass shooting.”,"“Oh, which one?”"
"The doctor says the pills will help my memory, but my thoughts so fuzzy and full of holes.",">!I found his notebook and realized!< **I must be** >!an experiment, not a!< **patient,** >!and!< **these pills are helping** >!him!< **get** >!the!< **better** >!of me, erasing memories!< **day by day** >!until I don’t realize!< **how strange it is for** >!there to be only!< **one doctor to care** >!for such a large hospital, where there is always!< **so much** >!screaming. !<"
"""The kittens are licking my toes"", she giggled.",As the rats feeding began to grow more frenzied I continued to take bets from the assembled crowd as to whether the painkillers or the hallucinogens would wear off first.
"Remembering the safety videos, he locked himself in the bathroom after hearing screams and gunshots from the cafeteria.","He realized how terrible his mistake was when, two hours later, the scratching and moans of the undead grew louder just outside the door."
"After 12 years of grueling torture, I threw my captor into a furnace and headed towards the basement door.","""Fingerprint Recognition Required"" the door responded as I looked back at my charred assailant."
"Every morning, I have a new face.","Whoever keeps leaving those in my bed, please stop."
"I swallow the pills, down the bottle of vodka, and then lie down waiting for the end.",At last I see a bright white light but as I start walking towards it a voice says ‘prisoner 7 million and 43 please do not attempt to exit the simulation early’
My mom hugged me & assured me uncle Eric was in prison for what he did to me.,I can’t believe the attention I’m finally getting!
"TIL picking up hitchhikers is mandatory for government vehicles, if passenger space is available.","Dropping them off, however, is not."
"Ever since I went to my friend’s BBQ, I’ve been having body tremors.",The doctor said I had a rare disorder called Kuru as I let out a burst of laughter.
My heart sped up as my phone battery dropped to 1%.,I could see the grin at the foot of my bed growing wider in anticipation of my only light source finally fading.
"I woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of the rain on my window, so I decided to grab a coffe and open the curtains to see it.","There are no clouds in the sky, just hundreds of slender fingers tapping the glass."
Five days ago a man broke into my house and stole me away in the middle of the night.,"After what my parents had done to me over the years, I knew I was better off with this man."
"""Come on, smile for sissy,"" my older sister cheerfully said to me as she tried to take my picture.",All I could do was keep myself from vomiting when the ventriloquist took his hand out of my sisters' head and forced me to smile.
"""I love you too,"" I replied as we held each other, crying tears of joy.",As the years passed I slowly forgot about the foolish girl I used to be who screamed and clawed and tried to escape.
"Someone shouted ""Pikachu, I choose you!"" and the crowd roared in excited applause.","The boy in yellow rubber jumpsuit sobbed as he was dropped into the arena holding a live electric cable with an exposed end, reluctantly preparing to attack a crying girl clad in bright red with a powerful blowtorch in her hands."
The Germans released a new gas on our trenches today.,"We thought it was innocuous, until the corpses of our fallen brothers began to stand up."
"""Ok kids close your eyes and count to ten!""",I didn't want them to see the mushroom clouds in the distance.
I splashed my face with warm water and used my fingertips to gently remove the sleep crust from the corners of my eyes.,It wiggled against my touch and retreated back into my tear ducts.
I wish I hadn’t tried to put my cat down.,He only responded with “bullets don’t work.”
I always hated that my brother left us because of our mother's hoarding.,"But as I uncover the human bones buried beneath a mountain of debris, I wonder if he ever really left."
I’m usually not the type to get scared in graveyards.,But I can’t help but wonder why the coffins have locks.
"“He really did hurt me,” I sobbed, trembling as I showed him the bloody hem of my skirt.","“You think anyone’s gonna believe a fucking prostitute over a federal judge!?"", my father yelled in desperation, before turning away from me in shame."
"To the horror of everyone watching from Earth, the first man on Mars took off his helmet.",He was finally home.
"As the Rapture began, I was bitterly disappointed to find myself left behind.","

Then I looked up at the departing figures and saw all the open jaws awaiting them in the sky."
Spend 24 hours locked in the old insane asylum and win a million dollars.,"It's been 26 hours, so why is the door still locked?"
"My roommate eyed herself in the mirror, feeling confident about the weight she lost.","That is until the next morning when I found her on the floor, spasming as the tapeworm burrowed deep into her brain."
Today I’m finally being realeased after spending 30 years in prison for a crime I didnt commit.,I smiled as I kicked the chair out from under me.
"Still madly in love with my ex, I’ve spent all of today leaving him heartfelt voicemail messages.","If I fill up his inbox, he might not notice the one voicemail his girlfriend left him as I murdered her."
I open the door to a police man that tells me my husband died in a car crash on the way home.,As I turn my head to see him eating the dinner I just served he starts grinning at me.
"Today they announced that there are only 12,000 spots left in heaven.",Millions of terrified parents rushed to kill their own children.
"As the only operator at the Suicide Hotline facility, I was happy that I didn’t get any calls for the day.","Coming to work the next day left me horrified, as I noticed the phone wasn’t plugged in."
"“Sir, you’ve been in a horrific accident, and I need to give you this medication to manage the pain.”","With my broken jaw, I was unable to protest and soon felt the familiar opioid rush from the morphine for the first time since finally getting clean."
"After we order our drinks at the bar, my date pulls me aside in private.","""You think I don't know what an angel shot is?"""
"Those of us still able to walk slowly hobbled toward the town hall, our skin sloughing off after each agonizing step like slugs oozing across the pavement.","
The ones who hadn’t lost their sight in the flash called out to the blind through charred vocal cords in a macabre game of Marco Polo."
"When I was a child, a shadowy figure would lock the door from inside when my father is approaching my room at night.","As my father got taken away by the police for murdering my mom, I realized why the figure would do such a thing."
"As Death himself extended his bony finger towards me, I began to sob.","""Not again"" I choked as he touched my barely swollen belly, and I felt that all too familiar pain."
"The captain has been banging on the walls for the last 3 hours, begging us to let him in.","I've counted several times, but all the space suits are inside."
"“Daddy, daddy, look mommy’s home!”, my daughter said jumping up and down with glee.",I guess now is as a good a time as ever to explain the concept of zombies to my 4 year old.
"""Please, no more,"" they begged.",I laughed at my intestines' pleas as I poured myself another glass of milk.
"""In your stupid arrogance, you have done nothing but murder innocent women""","As the terrified villagers felt the fire consuming them, they finally understood what happens when you try to burn a real witch."
My hungry boyfriend sighed heavily as I moved the cutlery to take a better picture of our dinner., “Babe can you hurry up it’s getting harder to hold her still.” he said.
The police were very apologetic when handing me my daughters suicide note,"I didn't take too much time reading it, after all I wrote it myself."
"“Can I speak to the manger?” She asked, eyes full of irritation.","Glancing below at his body beneath the counter, I gave a shake of my head and told her that he wasn’t here right now."
"""I'm so sorry about this m'am"" the officer said regretfully as he walked me into the room to identify my estranged husband's body.","
Frozen in my steps, the sight of my husband's cruel smirk swam before my eyes as the officer's voice continued ""but the reward for getting you out of hiding was too good to pass up""."
"As he walked into the strange house, he thought the three statues looked a bit TOO realistic.",So did the next person who saw the four statues.
My dad didn’t beat cancer....,"But I’m ok with that, one less thing for him to beat."
"When the witch told me I would die on a Friday, I took it to my advantage doing dangerous things every other day knowing I wouldn't die.","Little did I know that it would take 2 days for my body to finally give out in the collapsed glacier cave, lost and alone."
"You know the ""shadow people"" in the corner of your eye",Its your brain protecting you from the real things
I hid under my blanket when I heard the loud banging and raspy breathing at my front door.,I later learned that my neighbour passed away from an asthma attack.
I was excited to find out I could read people's minds!,"Gotta say, the excitement faded quickly when the all I could hear in the empty graveyard was screaming."
"I went to the bedside of my dying grandfather where he looked at me, visibly in pain, and asked to shake my hand one last time after reciting is favorite prayer.","When I woke up, I was looking at myself, recognizing my grandfather's grin on my own face before he left the room."
A fever is the result of a body trying to get rid of an infection.,Global warming isn't the problem — it's the solution.
"""Seedless Watermelon, my ass,"" I thought as I spit a particularly large one back onto my plate.",Then it ran away.
"While father types at manuscripts, and mother folds the clothes, my movement is a whisper undetected by them both.","And once I’ve gotten to the cribs, where sleeping babes now lie, first mother slumps, then father falls, then children breathe to die."
"""So, $5700 as is,"" he said handing me the cash for my car.","But when I began unstrapping my newborn, I felt a cold barrel pressed against my head, heard a click, and then his gravelly voice say:  ""As is."""
My friend always practiced on me when she was training to be a makeup artist.,"Now that I'm earning my degree in mortuary science, isn't it time to return the favor?"
"“I wish for cancer to go away”, the boy asked the genie.",“I’m sorry.. I can’t undo someone else’s wish.”
"I was nervous to visit my boyfriend’s house for the first time, since he told me his mother is overprotective of him.","She jokingly said “Sorry dear, but he’s mine” as she firmly grabbed his thigh, but I couldn’t help but notice how uncomfortable he looked when she touched him."
"She was so easy to manipulate; all I had to do was flatter her a bit, and then she'd do exactly as I wanted.","Today again, she comes to me and asks, ""Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?"""
Four teens drove to the woods to investigate the goatman legend for themselves.,"Disappointed, they drew straws to see who would take the middle seat on the trip back."
"""Please put him back"" I whimpered to my husband.","""I know you're struggling but you can't keep tucking him in to his cot, please go and rebury him"""
"Having been enslaved, tortured and scarred for generations, they suddenly found the strength to free themselves.",The old farmer made it halfway across the field before being shredded and whipped into a frothy pulp by the baleful hay.
"I picked up the phone to order us a pizza, telling him I would pay for it to make up for angering him.","Unfortunately, my husband spends as much time on social media as I do."
Everyone warned me that having an outdoor cat meant that it would bring me dead things.,"I got used to it, the occasional bloody gift on my porch...but I expected it to stop when he passed away."
"“For my execution, I choose nuclear detonation in Times Square, your honor,” I said smugly, knowing the judge couldn’t possibly meet their promise.","As the city’s evacuation plans went underway, I was forced to admit to myself that maybe they knew something about me that I didn’t."
I was in the hospital bleeding out but everyone was looking at their TVs instead of helping me.,I still remember 9/11 as the worst day I have ever had.
"When the officiator asked Marie if she would take me as her husband, she began to tear up.","She and the entire wedding party began to howl with laughter as she said, ""I'm sorry, this is the longest prank I've ever pulled and I can't believe you fell for it!"""
"My mom started scolding me and saying that I have to stop being so dependent on them for money, and learn to finally be an adult before hanging up on me",The kidnapper gave me a sympathetic look as he prepared to cut off another one of my fingers
I don't regret killing the man who raped my little sister.,What I regret is sitting next to him the first day of school and deciding to be his friend.
"No matter how much we fight, my wife will always prepare my coffee in the morning.","Though this time, it did taste a little like almonds."
"“I’m not very familiar with Poe,” I lied, leading my friend deeper into the wine cellar.",
"I promised myself that I wouldn't starve myself ever again, after I woke up in a hospital bed after passing out from hunger","I began to second guess this decision after my mother came in to visit me, and pointed out how the hospital gown makes me look chubby"
"The gardener mumbled to himself, cursing his poor memory, as he spread fresh homemade fertilizer on his crops.",“Eyes are good for your carrots... or do I have it backwards again?”
AITA for enforcing a ‘no electronics’ policy at meal times?,My wife found my stepdaughters pacemaker at the table and hasn’t stopped wailing since.
"""mommy, where do we go when we die?""","""i don't know, sweetheart"" replied the mother, picking up speed ""let's go see."""
I listened in horror as she told stories of how she was repeatedly beaten and raped,"My girlfriend had threatened to make me regret splitting up with her, but I never realised how far she would go as I sat silently in the court room"
"Following the sound of the child's crying, I make my way further into the cave.","I feel my guide line suddenly go slack and, as my torch begins to flicker out, the crying slowly turns to laughter."
People say your worst fear is what killed you in your past life,That would explain why so many little children fear me
"When the king stepped out of the palace, he found a crowd of his subjects enthusiastically shouting his name.",His smile broke apart when he saw the guillotine in the town center.
"The ransom letter concluded, “if the money isn’t there by noon tomorrow, your son dies.”","He ran his fingers across the page, but couldn’t find a single word of Braille."
I frantically searched around the dark room to find a hint of where my captors had left me.,"Only to realize it wasn't a dark room, they took my eyes."
"We thought our daughter had a disturbing imagination judging from her drawings, but that wasn't the case.",She just had too good a memory.
I look in horror as the rabid canine sinks his teeth into my throat.,What hurt the most was seeing my master yell with the crowd of humans watching and betting on the fight.
"[MAY21] As she sat crying after being beaten by her husband, her son came in with his teddy bear and asked, ""Mother, may I?""","She nodded, and right after he twisted the bear's head, they heard a satisfying thud coming from the bathroom."
"""Cheating is unforgiveable,"" I sobbed, pressing the knife deep into my boyfriend's throat.","""That's why my husband must never know."""
"""Daddy come watch me go down the tree slide!"" my son yelled from outside",My stomach dropped when I looked out and saw him running toward the neighbor's wood chipper
My daughter's unblinking gaze was off putting as she stared up at me.,I put the lid back on the pot and left her to simmer.
"She awoke feeling too warm, wet and itchy, so she shook until she was dry and had removed most of her fleas.",Then Earth returned to sleep.
My wife told me that someone was following her last night and I was so angry, I've asked the hitman to get the job done without being spotted
"I had seen depictions of Cthulhu in popular culture, but I never thought I'd see him in real life.",And I especially never thought I'd see him fleeing in fear from something.
My grandfather died a hero for having hidden four jewish girls during the Occupation.,"Now that I find the remains of the fifth one in his attic, alongside the diaries detailing everything he did to her, I'm happy he's gone."
"""Finally! I have the power to freeze time!"" The scientist said as he flipped the switch.",Little did he know that the device's effects will also be applicable on him.
I was concerned when my husband said that he was going to commit our son in a mental hospital.,"Too late, I realized that he had said ""arson,"" not ""our son"" as I watched the hospital burn to the ground."
"""Are you okay?"" I asked the pale woman lying naked on the beach.","""Oh yes,"" she replied softly, ""this is my first time breathing out of the water."""
After 357 years running from death I was almost relieved to finally see the Grim Reaper had tracked down to my remote mountain cave.,"Until he asked, ""Do you mind if I hide with you?"""
"The small girl giggled as she swung between her parents, holding both of their hands.",She was too happy to notice the rope holding them both up.
As I was dunking the man in the church creek for baptism I recognized him as the one who had terrorized my niece.,"I put him under, baptizing him, in the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit, and Mary and Joseph and the Twelve Apostles, and every other holy name I could think of, until he finally stopped twisting and jerking under the water."
"I could feel her little fingers take a viselike grip around my throat, squeezing the life out of me with all their might.",It's so cute when they fight back.
"""Hey,"" my wife said, looking at the police sketch of the suspected killer, ""that looks just like your dad.""",I was just disappointed they made me look so old.
It was annoying how much she screamed every time I saw her.,Sawed*
"My neighbor has been listening to people scream, cry and beg for 3 straight hours.",Whether he likes it or not.
"No matter which Chinese restaurant I go to, no matter which city I’m in, the fortune cookie always reads “Enjoy every meal as if it was your last”.","Until today, that is, when it read “I hope you enjoyed your meal”."
"I watched, terrified, as my little girl leaned over the edge of the well.","As she grinned down at me, I knew it hadn’t been an accident."
"""I'm sorry, son, but your mother and father were in a car accident, and you'll need to come with us"", the cop at my door said.","I don't know who these guys are, but I literally just killed my parents in the other room."
"As I presented the two severed heads to her, she wrapped her arms around me and kissed me deeply.","“Mom and dad can’t keep us apart anymore,” I said before kissing her back."
The ticking seems to get slower every tick.,I really wish they hadn't buried me with my watch.
"Buried alive but immortal, I resolved to claw myself out no matter how long it took.",It was half a century before I considered I could be digging the wrong way...
I jumped in to try and stop the drunk fighting as I didn’t want anyone’s head hitting a rock.,In the heat of the action nobody had noticed the canary’s silence.
Sounds of sirens filled the air as World War 3 began and the rich bunkered down in their subterranean shelters.,"Their cheers and sighs of relief turned to horror, though, as the attack came not from above but below them and the feasting began."
My roommate hasn't left his room in three weeks.,I know he's depressed but he's gonna have to do something about that smell.
"My friend says she’s a psychic, but I know she’s lying.",If she really was then she would’ve been able to see me.
I came to a sudden halt and grabbed my friends arm as I saw two clowns with knives blocking our path,I turned to him and my heart sank as I saw him grimly putting on a red clowns nose
When I went down to the basement and saw a desperate looking family I knew I had to report my father to the police.,Hiding Jews was against the law and my father needed to be punished.
"Jenna had never given much thought to the lack of sensation from her chest down, that was just her life.","The night she awoke to flames consuming her bed, she just prayed the smoke would kill her before the flames reached her neck."
"Ever since we let our dog, Lucky, back in the house last week he’s been walking with a strange limp, so we took him to the vet.",Our vet’s voice went cold as he explained the x-ray; Lucky’s unusual gait was because his bone structure indicated he was a bipedal vertebrate trying to walk on all fours.
"""Mommy and Daddy are going to be so proud of me for giving puppy a bath and drying him.""","""What's the smell coming from the microwave,"" said Dad."
"I poked my head above the water, excited to breathe the cool air of the cave.",*Clunk.*
"""Don't be doing something like that in front of my children"" the woman screamed at me before grabbing it out of my hand and smashing it on the ground",I looked down at what was left of my only epipen as my vision began to get blurry and my breathing became more labored
The terms of the will were clear: all heirs must be present before the safety deposit box can be opened.,"They gathered around eagerly as the eldest turned the key and lifted the lid, detonating the claymore inside."
Every night my mother would secretly kiss me in the forehead while I pretend to sleep,I told her on mother's day that i loved her for that but she called me silly and said that she never did.
The flight attendant serves me the same drink with with same bright smile she always did.,I could barely contain my tears as a wondered how many times I would have to relive this crash.
"Gently so as not to wake her, he pulled her bra down and exposed her tits.","Then he added a couple drops of arsenic to each nipple and faked asleep, waiting for their newborn twins to wake and cry out for breakfast."
"""Your wife's still hot,"" the cartel boss said, pouring me a drink.","""Drink her,"" he instructed after setting down the thermos."
"He cried when he saw the acceptance letter from Stanford, as he wished his parents could be here to see it.",But he had to do it to come up with that orphaned teenager story for the college application.
I smiled warmly as my mother blinked in surprise when I visited her at the nursing home.,"I knew that it was Morse for ""SOS"" but calmly wished her a good rest of the night as I strode out of the room and shut the door."
I kissed my baby daughter on the forehead and she smiled sweetly.,That was the moment I regretted choosing an open casket.
The Bartender had gotten my name wrong.,"My name is Henry but she put ""HELPME"" instead, what a bad restaurant."
"He stumbled in late, and I’m sure I could smell alcohol on his breath as he slurred an apology.","But I need this surgery, and he’s the only doctor I can afford."
"Quietly she whispered, “Oh sweetie, did you wet the bed again?”","“It’s a good thing those chains are rubber coated, or they would have rusted away years ago,” she said as she turned the hose on to spray down the thrashing man."
You are the most powerful being alive.,Yet you seem to be bothered by that funny feeling in your ass.
My two brothers are hysterically knocking at the door of my big brick house but I refuse to open it for them.,"To be savagely devoured by a hungry predator is the result of their sloth and incompetence, and I have nothing to do with that."
I’m surrounded by faceless people.,"Judging by the amount of blood on my clothes, I think I’m the one who removed them."
"You're all alone, but this man keep staring at you, and you know he wants to kill you.","You shrug, look away from the mirror, and head off to work as usual."
Did you know that some predators hunt using the ability to detect movements from their prey?,Now you might begin to understand why your sleep paralysis demons can't hurt you.
"We had a warm autumn Saturday together, so I let my 6-year-old daughter bury me under a mountain of leaves.","After I lifted myself out, I could only look around in confusion, never imagining that would be the last day I would ever see her."
"To alleviate the homeless problem the philanthropist donated a new tent, sleeping bag, and solar powered lantern to every unhoused person in the U.S.A.",The tents and bags were constructed of Polyurethane polymer-not  to reduce cost- but because of the material's extreme flammability; easily ignited and impossible to escape at the time of the lanterns' synchronous combustions.
“You’re such a bitch!” I screamed at my sister in the middle of the town market.,"The other villagers misheard me though, and they wouldn’t listen to my pleas when they grabbed my sister and dragged her to the lake to see if she would float or sink."
I'm still a little confused about NNN.,It's been a year now and they haven't grown back.
"“If you take the red pill, you become a millionaire - but we kill a baby”",“If you take the blue pill you….errr….gosh it’s been so long since someone picked blue I can’t remember what it does”
"""This will be a game changer for the food industry"", she started her presentation right off the bat.","""This revolutionary technology reduces the gestation period of a human baby to a mere 3 days""."
"After I gave the intruders the code to my safe, they looked at me with blank stares.","Finally, one of them chuckled and said “buddy, we weren’t sent here to take your money.”"
"I was so happy, I'd finally found a cure for cancer!","That must be the research team coming to see the results,but why are they all driving black SUVs with tinted windows?"
My neighbor wouldn't stop complaining about my German Shepherd barking at all hours of the night.,Now I don't have to listen to him complain and my German Shepherd has a new chew toy.
"After the paramedics restarted her heart, my sister clutched my hand and begged me not to let her die.","'The angels... the angels are waiting for us... and they are so very, very angry...' she whispered in despair."
"""I said two of EVERY animal!""","With a sigh Noah welcomed the termites aboard then stripped himself bare, ready to receive his final passengers - the parasites."
"The liquid, which granted the drinker a much longer life, sold at auction for a staggering $963b.","To the person that now owned the last few hundred litres of the Earth's clean drinking water, I'm sure it was worth every dollar they paid."
Her teachers always said that our daughter was an excellent problem solver.,If we had only known that she considered her little brother to be a problem.
"I saw my former student, he said, ""Hello"" to me, I walked on, he turned to stab me, I felt his knife go into my chest, I said, ""Don't you know that you can't just make multiple sentences fit the rule of a subreddit just by adding commas, this leads to run-on sentences, have I taught you nothing?""",
"I got my sister a ""better luck next time"" card, and got all of our family to write funny messages on it","Watching her collapse to the floor weeping after reading it, made her infant son's funeral all the more enjoyable"
"Upon returning to earth, NASA discovered a dead astronaut.",Nobody can figure out who it is.
“Do you smell gas?” I asked my friend.,"“What?” my friend said, as he struck a match to light his cigarette."
"As she held my hand, she broke down sobbing and apologized to me again and again.",That’s probably a bad sign coming from a palm reader.
"She was walking alone and wearing a short skirt, so of course a creep followed her into this alley.","She smiled, delighting in how fun it was to choose victims this way."
Today I'm finally going to my first visit with a new therapist to finally say everything I wanted to say for so many years,I wonder if she'll realize I am telling her own story or she was too young to remember everything I've done to her.
They say the human brain can stay active for up to 30 seconds after being separated from the body.,"Its been 13 years now, why am I still here."
"""Your call is very important to us, please stay on the line and your call we be answered in the order it was received.""","""IT'S BEEN THIRTY FUCKING MINUTES MY MOM NEEDS AN AMBULANCE!!"""
"The animal rights leader preached, ""It is time we gave heartless pet abusers some perspective.""","As they strapped me to a chair and closed in with their knives, I wished I hadn't told them that I neutered my cat last week."
"I’ve always wondered - when I close my door, does the outside world still remain?","Today, the answer was no."
I was beating the enemy in combat to a bloody pulp.,"But when I saw my daughters beaten face, and the sound of my wife crying, I was brought back to the sound of fireworks."
"Due to the terms of the surrender, I had no choice but to behead the man in front of me.","After his family was set free, my own was brought up next to watch while I handed the executioner's axe to the man behind me."
"IN CASE OF FIRE, READ THE FOLLOWING POST.","You cheated, I haven't set the fire *yet.*"
"Having never learned to swim, I was terrified when I fell overboard in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.","As I sank beneath the waves and took what should've been my last breath, I was even more horrified to learn that I could breathe underwater as I continued sinking ever deeper."
"""Turn back"" whispered the eerie voice.","Trembling, I apologized profusely as I turned back to the previous page, forgetting that it isn't nearly as fast at reading as I am."
Just in time I noticed someone slip something into my drink at the party.,My blood ran cold when I realized it was the friend who's supposed to drive me home tonight.
"And now for my final trick, I shall make myself disappear!",The audience's cheers of excitement quickly turned into screams of terror when I took my jacket off to reveal the bomb strapped to my chest.
My hands were shaking and there were tears in my eyes as I dialed 911.,I hoped that I sounded convincing enough when I told them how my best friend had “committed suicide”.
UPS NOTIFICATION: Your package was delivered.,DRIVER'S NOTES: *Package did NOT want to be delivered.*
"growing up, my parents wanted me to be a surgeon or a lawyer.","as a serial killer defending myself in court, i got to be both."
"It was gross pulling all the hair out of the bath's plug hole, but then I found the teeth.","Dammit, the website said the acid would dissolve EVERYTHING!"
The kids decided to play doctor.,Nobody realized they could reach the medicine cabinet.
"Walking down the mostly empty city streets, I had the feeling someone was following me.","Then, I got a text that said, “run,” with a link to a live stream following me."
I've watched my daughter's 3rd grade saxophone recital at least 100 times.,"If I pause it at the right frame, I can almost make out the stranger that was talking to her backstage before she went missing."
"As the first person to land on Mars, I decided to prank the mission control by saying ""WHAT IS THAT THING"" and then going silent.","Never expected to hear ""Mission Successful"" from them."
I felt like I was really getting to know my future wife’s kids these past few weeks.,Now if I could only find a good way to introduce myself to her.
My father was levitating in his room and i think he may be possessed.,That was what i thought until i saw the rope.
"Yesterday, I had to put my cat down as she had contracted rabies.",It wasn't until I felt a pain at the base of my head that I remembered she had bitten me the week before.
"For her fifth birthday, Katie had begged her parents for light-up sneakers.","She regretted it now, as the flashing lights threatened to give away her location to the man prowling her kindergarten with a gun."
"She climbed off the moaning corpse and crossed ""Sex with the undead"" off her bucket list.","The fact that zombie sperm also had a taste for brains came as a real, if short-lived, shock to her."
I used to do necrophilia,"I stopped when the body said ""more"""
We went looking for God.,"All we found was an empty, blood-stained throne."
"After 24 years, my husband was finally out of the house","That's how long it took to send him, piece by piece, as birthday presents to his mistress"
Head's Up: TSH is going dark...indefinitely,"# In accordance with the results of our poll, this subreddit will be joining in on the protest of Reddit's API changes that will essentially kill all 3rd party Reddit apps.

## What's going on?

A recent Reddit policy change threatens to kill many beloved third-party mobile apps, making a great many quality-of-life features not seen in the official mobile app permanently inaccessible to users.

On May 31, 2023, Reddit announced they were raising the price to make calls to their API from being free to a level that will kill every third party app on Reddit, from Apollo to Reddit is Fun to Narwhal to BaconReader.

Even if you're not a mobile user and don't use any of those apps, this is a step toward killing other ways of customizing Reddit, such as Reddit Enhancement Suite or the use of the old.reddit.com desktop interface .

This isn't only a problem on the user level: many subreddit moderators depend on tools only available outside the official app to keep their communities on-topic and spam-free.

## What's the plan?

On June 12th, [many subreddits](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/1401qw5/incomplete_and_growing_list_of_participating/) will be going dark to protest this policy. Some will return after 48 hours: others will go away permanently unless the issue is adequately addressed, since many moderators aren't able to put in the work they do with the poor tools available through the official app. This isn't something any of us do lightly: we do what we do because we love Reddit, and we truly believe this change will make it impossible to keep doing what we love.

**The two-day blackout isn't the goal, and it isn't the end. Should things reach the 14th with no sign of Reddit choosing to fix what they've broken, we'll use the community and buzz we've built between then and now as a tool for further action.**

## What can you do as a user?

* Complain. Message the mods of /r/reddit.com, who are the admins of the site: message /u/reddit: submit a support request: comment in relevant threads on /r/reddit, such as [this one](https://www.reddit.com/r/reddit/comments/12qwagm/an_update_regarding_reddits_api/), leave a negative review on their official iOS or Android app- and sign your username in support to [this post.](https://www.reddit.com/r/Save3rdPartyApps/comments/13yh0jf/dont_let_reddit_kill_3rd_party_apps/)
* Spread the word. Rabble-rouse on related subreddits. Meme it up, make it spicy. Bitch about it to your cat. Suggest anyone you know who moderates a subreddit join the coordinated mod effort at /r/ModCoord.
* Boycott and spread the word...to Reddit's competition! Stay off Reddit entirely on June 12th through the 13th- instead, take to your favorite non-Reddit platform of choice and make some noise in support!
* Don't be a jerk. As upsetting this may be, threats, profanity and vandalism will be worse than useless in getting people on our side. Please make every effort to be as restrained, polite, reasonable and law-abiding as possible.

## What can you do as a moderator?

* Join the coordinated effort over at /r/ModCoord
* Make a sticky post showing your support, [A template has been created here](https://www.reddit.com/r/ProCSS/wiki/api_protest_template) you can use or modify to your liking, and be sure to crosspost it to /r/ModCoord.

**Thank you for your patience in the matter,**

**-Mod Team**"
"I sighed as I picked up the phone and said, “911, what’s your emergency?”","My lack of emotion turned to despair as a voice two feet away from where I sat whispered, “I’ve just witnessed a murder.”"
"I petted the little puppy in my arms, reading all the praises and compliments after her rescue video reached 1M views on YouTube.","With a smile I opened my phone camera, dropped her into the sewer, and started recording once again."
"The priest has been trying to exorcise me out of this body for two days, but I’m not going anywhere.",It’s the only way to keep them all safe from the child.
"I tried to untie her from the chair, blind and shaking.","The rope was so strange, for it felt like warm wet meat and i couldn't find the end of it yet."
"She crouched, hidden, motionless as a statue and barely breathing, hoping he wouldn't find her.","Mommy had always taught her not to leave with a stranger, and these men in helmets with hoses calling her name were strangers."
"I watched in shock as the woman threw it to the ground, and then exclaimed ""I shouldn't have to pay for this as it is damaged""","The newborn on the ground was screaming in pain, as the mother continued to argue about the hospital bill"
"“You said you’ve always wanted a sibling,” my father said.","As he hugged me from behind with both palms on my pregnant belly, he whispered, “Soon you will have one.”"
"It was on every radio station, ""Cover your eyes, they can't hurt you if they can't see your eyes!""","The creatures smashed through the door as we all huddled in the corner, hands over our faces, but I could only sit and listen as they devoured my youngest who shouted as they entered, ""Peek-a-boo!"""
"When your brain stops getting enough oxygen, sometimes you will forget what has just happened.","When your brain stops getting enough oxygen, sometimes you will forget what has just happened."
"I opened my eyes to a message on the wall, ""Run before they wipe your memory"".","I opened my eyes to a message on the wall, ""Run before they wipe your memory""."
My best friend finally invited me over to her house!,"I knock on the door in anticipation only to have it answered, not by an oblivious little girl, but by a cop."
The Lead Detective celebrated as I was found guilty of murdering my Wife and two children.,If only I’d bullied someone else in grade school.
I woke up to the sound of chickens chirping at each other on this fresh morning_,"_and looked out the window of my cage.
How many more reincarnations before I was human again?"
I told her there was no monster in her closet as I picked her up told her she could sleep with us tonight.,I figured that was the safest way off getting her out of the house without him realizing I saw him. 
"""I swear, I was just innocently walking home; I was kicking stones, and one just got away from me!""","The Father and The Holy Spirit were still angry despite my apology, claiming that the stone was rolling toward their pet-project in the Milky Way galaxy..."
I always thought those people in the zombie movies who hid their bites from their friends where dumb.,"But now I'm looking up at the zombies getting cured, and I wish I had been dumber before I shot myself."
“My baby would never do something like that!” mommy screamed at the policeman.,"Now that my little brother is gone, I’m finally mommy’s baby again."
"“Did you know all humans are female while they’re in the womb?”, she asked her son.","“So in a way, you already know what it is like... I’m just going to help you remember”, she continued, snipping her scissors in the air."
"[AUG21] As punishment for making fun of a homeless man the other day, my mom is making me sleep in the cold garage for a night.","But jokes on her, I snagged her keys and I'm already getting sleepy in the nice warm car."
Did you hear about the Serial Killer that slaughtered 27 brunettes across the U.S. and Canada in 2020 and 2021?,"Of course you haven’t, I’m very good at what I do."
"The GPS is telling me there’s a major accident on the road ahead, but I don’t see one.","Maybe it’s just my phone, let me see if it’s-"
"My brother and I sat down with the ouija board, and both place our hands on the planchette,",He said “Cole are you here with me?” I moved the planchette to yes.
"The worst part of the Zombie Apocalypse, wasn't the deafening silence and loneliness.","It was having full consciousness and thought, but being unable to control my rotting body."
"“I’ve always wondered, what’s the scythe for, anyway?” I asked, as Death escorted me to the underworld.”","“Protection,” he answered nervously."
The young boy was taught to poke holes in boxes that housed any of the little critters he captured so they could breathe.,"So when his little sister told him she had butterflies in her stomach, knife in hand, he knew what he had to do."
"In an isolated room, a group of people are assigned with a number from one to ten.",You can guess why everyone was afraid of seven.
"I opened another pack of cigarettes as she admonished me, “You know, those things can kill you.”","It wasn’t until I woke up screaming into the pillow pressed down hard on my face, as a thousand cigarettes exact bloody vengeance on me for all their charred brethren, did I realize the true meaning of the phrase."
"His head strapped in place, he screamed as she pulled the guillotine, cutting it off.","Then she readjusted the small device, and told the crying man:  ""Get ready for the next inch."""
"""Happy Birthday Ellie!"" we cried out joyfully, as my daughter blew out the candles on her cake.","""That's him Officer, the man who took her"" I said, pointing at the stranger in the back of the shot as the policeman paused the home video."
"After the tour Bus accident, we boarded the another bus which arrived and waiting there","When I asked the conductor why my friends weren't getting on the bus, he replied: ""because they survived the accident""."
"I chased him, gun in hand, as he ran down the street, screaming.","If I couldn’t contain patient zero, we’d be in serious trouble."
"""It's called Heterochromia"" my little girl said, proudly pointing to her blue and green eyes.","I left her standing with the bloody orbs in her upturned palm, as I sprinted to the playroom to find her little brothers."
They didn't understand how she'd died as she'd been bitten several times before and was immune to the virus.,"When they did the autopsy, her writhing, mangled insides revealed that while she was immune, the fetus wasn't."
Tyler's classmates always mocked him for being so overweight.,"But when the plane crashed, stranding them on this barren island, they were very grateful for his plumpness."
"I leaned into the mirror, squinting as I raised the tweezers to my eyebrow to pluck a single hair that had been annoying me for a while now.","It was strangely difficult to pull, but I could only scream as I realised I had pulled out the leg of a very angry spider in my skin."
School shooter kicked the door open to the class i was hiding in.,"




Good thing i already finished the ritual and the swarm of dead students mauled him in a span of seconds."
"Blood started gushing out its neck, rapidly staining the roof and walls.",Emily regretted pulling her doll's head off.
"After I killed my wife’s doppelgänger, the real Amy smiled.","Then she took my wife’s diary from behind her back and said, “it’s a good thing I had the answers to all your questions.”"
"I remember my granddaughters birthday like it was yesterday, as she blew out the candles she proudly proclaimed ""I want Grandad to live forever!""",I tried to hide my anger with a frown at the funeral as I watched her grandsons coffin be lowered into the ground.
"The lights turn off, and I immediately race up the basement stairs.","""I almost had you that time!"" I shout as he slams the basement door behind him."
"My mentally challenged brother loves finger-painting, so I let him decorate a bunch of my stuff.","Since I told him to use “invisible ink”, now it’s *his* prints that are all over the evidence."
"In a vision, an angel had told him, ""you will leave this world with your wings stretched wide.""","He learnt this to be true twelve years later, on a holy mission to the lands of the Norse."
"Grasping my little sister's hand, I sprinted through the refugee camp my family had been relocated to for our safety.", I hated to be the one to tell them that if they didn't pay the increased ransom the rebels would send the full arm next.
"""BBBBBBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ."""," The industrial fridge's overwhelming buzzing drowned out the trapped young girl's fading screams, while only a few steps away her parents left to join the search party on the 3rd night since reporting her missing."
"My stomach dropped as I turned on the TV, desperately trying to see if my son was alright after hearing the local high school was dealing with an active shooter.",My fear turned to confusion quickly - why did every news reporter know him by name?
I immediately stopped stalking the woman I’ve had a crush on for the past six months.,"When I discovered dozens of pictures of me sleeping, hanging in her closet."
"After hearing the prophesy of who would kill him, the man had of course slit his beloved son's throat.","As he lay there, completely paralyzed and wracked with agony for the last 10 years, he realized that not all killing was done with malice."